Miscellaneous ramblings of NarcKiddo

[SenseOrgan]

NC, It's interesting that reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents brought up doubt about your own maturity. I think that level of introspection/honesty is actually a sign of maturity. Immature people lack that awareness and tend to react instead of respond. Being aware of our Littles creates the opportunity to pause and respond in a way we deem more appropriate than our impulses. One way I view trauma is being stuck in a zero options reaction to difficult emotions. And healing is also learning to relate to those in different ways. That's only possible when we're willing to get to know ourself. Immature parents don't go there, and dump their emotional states onto their child(ren) unregulated. That's one way the cycle continues. I don't think that happens when an adult is aware of the ways they flee from difficult emotions.

One thing I'm grateful for is Pete Walker writing about his own developmental arrest. Developmental trauma very much also is that; a part of our development halted at a certain age. Referring to that as a Little is a genius way to create the opportunity to relate to ourself and others differently and to mature later in life. 

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you all for your encouragement and love. 

M has gone textbook. She clearly realises she made a bad mistake by not asking about my health when we were all together. She is not stupid and she knows all about social optics. This is worse than social optics, too, because her fantasy is that we have a happy family and we all love each other, and the person with the most love is her! For her beloved children! I have exposed her smoke and mirrors by asking her why she did not raise the subject when we were together rather than waiting until I got home and then saying she was worried. She is not used to being questioned and she hates it. The question has gone unanswered and a couple of days ago she started spamming up her own text chat with pointless chatter. I am assuming so she could stop that question from hanging there in the air. She cannot bring herself to apologise. She could easily issue a fauxpology (as she would maybe do in a social situation) just saying that she was too shocked. There's any number of excuses she could come up with. But she hasn't. I've clearly jabbed her in a weak spot.

I've mentioned her trying to pay for transport for visits, which I turned down. I suspect that if I had said I don't have a cleaner she would try to pay for one, but I sidestepped Cleanergate without ever saying whether I have a cleaner or not. We have had a couple of telephone conversations that have all been a bit weird and stilted because I have been even more silent and boring than usual, simply staying within the bounds of politeness.

So - how has she gone textbook, you may ask. She sent money into my bank account. Quite a meaningful sum without being ridiculous. Three times what she would spend on my birthday, say. And she messaged me to say she had done so as a gift just because she wanted to. To be nice.

I am guessing she considers the slate wiped clean now. She's got rid of her discomfort by sending me money. She was unable to give me money with strings because I refused, so in the end she could only send a straight gift. I am not going to return it - that would provoke a discussion that I do not want to have. I have said polite thanks, no more.

I don't feel happy about the gift. Objectively it is nice to have a small windfall. It will pay for some therapy sessions! But it has not wiped the slate clean as far as I am concerned. Why would it?

[sanmagic7]

NK, my ex has been good at that, still is.  he easily handed over money - maybe as a way of assuaging his guilt, i don't know - and he still does that w/ my D.  but we need it at this point, so i'm not going to say 'no'.  it's enough in my mind to know what the game is that he's playing.  i'll never confront him on it, but i will take advantage.  he's done mean things to her via money before, so i'm glad he's finally stepping up, if that's what it is, and giving some to her.  he'd been supporting D1 for many years - it's about time he helps this D out.

that's how i've been able to resolve this particular dilemma.  but i'm not in contact w/ him anymore, either, so i can allow this w/o repercussions or really feelings of any kind.  best to you in your situation.  i know it can be a rough road to travel.  love and hugs

[Marcine]

Hi NK,
This reminds me of the part in the Wizard of Oz movie when Toto the dog pulls back the fabric curtain and exposes who is working all the levers and scary flame effects, who has been manipulating and bullying for his own purposes.
Dorothy and friends see the human who is yelling into the microphone, "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!"

Then I read about the money "gift" your mother deposited in your account.
My father used to do that back in the day by sending me a fat check in the mail. To me, it distinctly felt like he was trying to buy my silence and compliance. I'm sure he's done that lots in his corporate career. At first, I donated the funds, but then I just ripped up the checks. Blood money.

It is my opinion that money never wipes the slate clean. Nothing takes the place of personal responsibility, true listening, and love.

[Hope67]

Hi NarcKiddo,
It's almost as if your M was wanting to buy some kind of repair by paying you an amount that might assuage a debt.  The fact you mentioned that she has 'gone textbook' suggests she does this as a matter of course.  Definitely no way to wipe a slate clean - infact it seems to perhaps leave a kind of film on the slate almost as if she's covered it up rather than addressed the actual issues.  I can understand that you'd feel that way - when you said 'I don't feel happy about the gift' - sending you a hug 

[zen_racer]

I'm sorry NK.  My M also does these weird manipulative tricks and tries to reframe everything so she always seems irreproachable, or so she thinks.  I don't think she's ever apologized for anything, but she has attacked me and told me just how horrible I am as a person for daring to tell her how she's treated me.  I see so many similarities when you describe your M.  I'm sorry, because I know how draining it is.  I'm glad that you seem better prepared to handle it.  I myself am refusing to accept a gift of money for my birthday earlier this month.

I don't have any good advice or words of wisdom, but you're not alone in having to deal with a M like that.

 

[HannahOne]

NK, it makes sense you don't feel good about the gift. Your feelings are valid. You know that the gift is not free and clear, and not FOR you, but for something about your M. At the same time, part of me hopes you can really treat yourself with the money! But only you know how best to respond. Sometimes giving it back is what feels right. Other times splurging with it or using it to solve a problem feels right.

I'm sorry she can't just be a good enough M and say she's sorry she didn't inquire as to your health, that she is concerned and wants to hear about it now. You deserve care, tracking, attunement.

[NarcKiddo]

Sad. I feel sad and sorry for myself.

It just feels at the moment like everything I enjoy is being taken away bit by bit.

My health is the main issue. I'm pretty good about being content, about seeing and acknowledging progress. But the reality is that I have been bust back to such a low place. It feels like an academic study I read a while back about the effects of a particular drug on exercise capacity for people with COPD. The headline was all 'this drug had demonstrable benefits, participants increased their exercise capacity by 25 percent'. Then I read the study only to discover the participants were able to exercise for two minutes before and now they could do it for two minutes and thirty seconds. Wow.

So I can look back on my progress in the last 3 months on the new inhaler and it is good. Very good. I have cut my warmup time down by half, from 20 minutes to 10, so I have more time to do meaningful exercise intervals on the bike. I have increased my resistance level from 7 to 12. It's big, relatively. I went on AI yesterday in desperation and it quite rightly pointed out that the progress has taken grit and determination. I have done well. I have not given up. I fight on. Yes, yes, fine. But it feels like all the things that really gave me joy in the gym are forever out of reach. Boxing. Lifting more than my bodyweight. I mean, even walking is a problem these days. We are going on a trip in a couple of months to a town I love. I used to love walking into the historic town centre and looking in all the lovely shops. It's not a long walk from the hotel. At least, it wasn't. But ten minutes then is at least 30 minutes now, complete with sticks and still feeling off balance, and a massive cognitive load as a result. Exhausting. And then trying to go around the shops with my sticks and look at things, and having to take a backpack to carry any shopping because I haven't a spare hand for bags. And the town is heavily pedestrianised so getting a taxi is challenging. And then in the autumn I'm going on a cruise and I know how hard it will be just to navigate the gangway to get on board, and then in the evenings I will have to wear all my fancy evening clothes and still go around with sticks, and will I even be able to handle all this in high heels or will I have to get some sensible old lady shoes? I'm not even 60, far less old!

And then someone I thought was safe has stopped feeling safe but it's a colleague I still have to work with. They might even be safe still but I don't know how to find out or if I want to.

And then my security camera at the back of the house stopped working. It's not hugely necessary for security but I really liked it. I could check on my phone if visitors had arrived. So I ordered some wifi extenders and that is a trial in itself as our internet provider makes you do it all through chat bot, and you have to jump through several hoops answering the exact same questions every time. But I did that a few days ago and then yesterday it was finally not boiling hot so I could face setting the thing up. And the range did not extend to where I needed it to go and the camera still didn't work. A minor hiccup, but something else that's been taken away.

AI was at least helpful about that and has talked me through other options I had not thought of.

And then I overheard my H talking to the neighbours who were asking after me. And he was telling them I was struggling with my health and would never be able to get back to where I was. It's true, I guess. Well, I know.

 

[sanmagic7]

NK, i'm right there with you.  used to walk 3-5 miles/day, now can barely make 1/2 mile.  weights, the same.  and then my flare-ups, and it's back to square one, or so it seems.  it's so disheartening, so spirit-sucking.  for me, i guess that life is gone and this is my new reality.  we can only do what we can only do, but it still sucks big time!  love and hugs