the next step

[HannahOne]

SanMagic7, I'm sorry about your knee! And the heat is horrific to tolerate sometimes, isn't it? I find it oppressive and it can induce panic to feel the air is too heavy to breathe or there's no way to be comfortable. It's a helpless feeling.

I hope the new T is helpful. It's such a challenge to find one.

You bring a lot of awareness to your experience and that helps you sort through and navigate. Feeling feels awful, and you're making space to feel what is there.   

[sanmagic7]

hope, it turned out good eventually, so thanks for the good wishes.

ZR, thank you.  the session went well, and i'm looking forward to working with her.

hannah1, yep, agree w/ you about the thick air.  luckily we've got a/c, so that humidity gets taken care of inside.  i believe the T will be good.  thank you.

it was a rocky afternoon yesterday around the whole T thing.  i was told the appt. was at 2, but then i got 2 emails telling me it was at 4.  it made me doubt myself, so i didn't sign in until 4, when i got a message saying i'd be billed $200 for the session i missed at 2.  i lost it.

luckily my D took over, called them talked to the guy who talked to me who told her my T already had an appt. at 4 and couldn't see me then.  and i became a yelling, pounding, screaming, cursing mess, cussing him out, crying harder than i can remember ever crying, pounding the bed upside, downside, next to me, just wailing to just let me die, i can't take this anymore - i had been so anxious about this all day and to have this happen felt like more than i could bear.  thank god for my D, who also yelled at the guy, swore at him, became my own mama bear, until he finally texted her a crisis line #, which i yelled at that i didn't want, and then he said he'd talk to the T about seeing me at 5.

all in all it got straightened out, everyone apologized profusely - it really was a scheduling mixup, but all i knew was that i'd gotten screwed around w/ again.   i apologized to my D, said this isn't what she signed on for, she's not sposed to be taking care of me, she kept saying we're a team. remember, and was crying with me, arms around me.  all the things i needed but never got in my life, except there she was and she gave it to me and i'm forever grateful.

so, i finally met w/ the T, and she's an older woman, and somehow very soothing and calming.  she wasn't aware of alexithymia, nor very much about c-ptsd, but she said she's well versed in emdr, didn't know the Flash technique so she's gonna research that.  the other thing i like is she told me she has an emdr mentor and meets w/ other emdr T's, and for my case, i think that's a good thing.  i told her about the seizure and the black mind, and how i need to process really small pieces.  but she put me at ease, and i think a team approach is going to be helpful.  i'm seeing her next tues. and looking forward to it.

[Hope67]

Wow SanMagic, that was so much that you and your D had to go through to access that T.  Well done to you both for how you strove to sort it out - because you did, and I am so thankful that the T was able to see you in the same day, and also that she was a soothing and calming person.  Hope it goes well next Tuesday - and in the meantime, sending you a hug 

[NarcKiddo]

Oh, gosh, what a horrible and hurtful muddle. I am so glad that the T was able to see you later and turned out to be soothing and calming.

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, hope and NK.  i slept most of yesterday, am still worn out today.

[zen_racer]

That sounds like a very frustrating experience, I'm glad there was resolution that ended up seeming more positive, and that someone helped you and stood up for you.

I just went through a mildly similar situation.  I was afforded the luxury of time in responding, and eventually realized that I had been triggered about something from my past, and that I was struggling to respond to the current moment.

I hope further visits with the new T go well.

Sending love and hugs. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, ZR.

unfortunately, i'm still undergoing aftereffects.  i feel at a loss, my spirit is at the lowest point i can remember since the day i went NC w/ my D1, and i'm only going thru the motions of living.  i'm not even struggling, just being.  don't care.

[Marcine]

I'm sorry it's such a slog, San.
Easy does it, best you can, yes?
Sending care and a hug

[sanmagic7]

best i can, yes, marcine.  thank you.

feeling quite spiritless again.  i'll do what needs to be done, but i find nothing in it right now.

[zen_racer]

I'm sorry SanMagic.  I wish I could do more to help, as you've helped raise my spirits in ways you probably aren't aware of.  Most recently, exactly when I needed it but hadn't said anything.

Thank you for being the caring and empathetic person that you are.  I hope you remember how awesome you are, and that you deserve the same compassion that you give to everyone else.  Just a little bit ago, I figured out how to bend the rules of physics to leave an extended time release hug for someone else.  I'm doing the same here so you can have that comfort for longer.  Sending love and hugs. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks a heap, ZR.  time-release feels excellent.

my little armadillo, which has been representing me as a child, who i've taken to bed in order to give it/me touch, nurturing, attachment - everything i didn't get - is now missing this morning.  i had it last nite, gone this morning.  for me, it's showing just how absent i'm feeling re: my self and spirit.  i'm doing all the things i want to do, but there's no spark to the doing.

some of this may not be a bad thing - i don't feel tense, but i don't feel spirited.  major anxiety attack last nite.  lots of confusion inside.  i'm getting a lot of stuff done, but it's like i'm marking time in a shell of myself.