Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[zen_racer]

Thank you SanMagic.  Because of a couple instances in therapy with this T, she will stop and ask me how I'm doing and if I'm present in the room.  I have been pretty good at being honest.  The issue I seem to be having is that I sometimes have delayed responses.  I felt fine leaving therapy yesterday, but then in the car 5 minutes later I was feeling it so strongly and almost had to pull over.  Then was fine again.  I think when it starts getting too intense, I dissociate again.

B is hiking all the way to cabins at the bottom.  I think she said 8 miles down, and 15 miles back up.  I could be wrong about those numbers.  A month or so ago, she did a 4 day backpacking hike in mountains in Colorado.

Thank you!  Love and hugs.   

[NarcKiddo]

I've never had EMDR so I don't know how it progresses or what the aftermath of a session might be like. I sometimes find a short break is helpful after an intense session as it gives me time to regulate again and absorb the tough session. However, I have had times when I am glad to have therapy again the following week. I'm sure those who have had EMDR can comment if you want advice - maybe put a specific question about that out in the forum? But the safest thing is probably to wait until you have an undisturbed run of sessions. If EMDR proves to be intense then I guess you can leave it out and do something else in the next therapy session before going back to it? Just thinking out loud. Ignore if not helpful.

 

[sanmagic7]

hey, ZR, in my experience as an EMDR client, i, too, have had kind of delayed reactions to processing. or vivid dreams afterwards.  from what i understand the brain is reorganizing itself, re-wiring in a way to the movement that processing provides.  in effect, it's re-processing (the R in EMDR) the original information it held fast in order to be able to let it go or change it into something manageable and tolerable, (desensitizing, the D in EMDR) with the ultimate goal of erasing the bothersome memories or sensations that accompanied the original trauma.

may i suggest that next time one of those hits you while driving, that you do, indeed, pull over, stop, let it pass thru your brain/mind?  for one thing, just in case you begin dissociating, you will be safer, and for another, it will give a little extra time for your brain to do its thing.  up to you, of course, and i don't know where you were driving, if pulling over is even an option.  you might want to tell your T about this, see what she thinks about it, what she recommends, instead of just hearing what i'm saying.  she may ask you to sit in the waiting room for a few minutes, see how your brain is reacting before even getting into your car.

just some thoughts.  as always, take what's helpful, leave the rest.  love and hugs and thank you for yours

[zen_racer]

NK and SanMagic, I appreciate the input.  I have not started the EMDR yet, but I'm beginning to lean towards doing so the next session with then having a break.  My delayed reactions are so far just to stuff I've gone over in therapy just talking about the past and my mind wandering.  I have a race training/practice day after this session, but I have a 4 day weekend after the therapy session.  Then for the week that I'll have the next therapy session, work will be really busy and hectic.  I think I'd rather try it when I'll have a break, and see what the EMDR hangover is like, and then have more information to be able to choose how well I'll be able to handle a rough work week while potentially doing EMDR in therapy.

Yesterday, B and I had our first day together where we had 1 thing to do, but then spent the rest of the day just hanging out together, running errands, and cooking dinner.  She had been feeling like not doing her training hike for the weekend because of the heat.  After I made a suggestion, she came to my house early in the morning, and we went a little down from where I live and did a 7 mile hike with over 1200 feet of elevation climb.  We were both wearing weighted backpacks.  It was an enjoyable day, except for when I felt like I was dying at the end of the hike.  LOL

I've been spending time in the mornings on workdays at least, sometimes on the weekends, checking in with myself for 15-20 minutes.  More recently, it has gotten to where I lay down for the check in, and rather immediately start experiencing strong feelings/emotions.  At times, it has been difficult to shut that off for driving into work.  I had thought I was actively connecting with my feelings, but realized I was instead dropping the mask I didn't know I was wearing, and simply revealing the emotions that were already there.  These would sometimes come out at other times, like watching that TV show I mentioned, or when in therapy, or talking with B about the same stuff.  This morning, while checking in with this forum and responding to other things on here, I started having those emotions start surfacing without confronting my past or specifically checking in with myself.  It's a definite shift from before when I'd have to be confronting my past or specifically dropping the mask.  I'm not entirely certain what to make of that yet.  I'm assuming that I'm continuing to feel safer, and so more things are bubbling up.  I'm still not sure what to think about that yet.

I hope everyone is doing well.

[sanmagic7]

I'm assuming that I'm continuing to feel safer, and so more things are bubbling up

i think that might be a safe assumption, ZR.  i've found that happening to me as i continued to live w/ my D - she helped make me feel safe, and actually, i don't think i've ever felt safer, so it makes sense to me why i can feel more, discover more about me, look inward instead of always being on the lookout for something else i have to endure or work thru or make a decision to stay or go. 

the other thought that came to mind was 'aaaaah, youth!'  reading about your hikes, 7 frickin' miles! - and i do well walking around my apt. complex, which is about 1/2 mile.  i used to walk about 3 mi./day on a regular basis, but my legs just don't have it in me anymore.  still, i'm happy for what i can do.  it's at least something.  i'm very glad for you that you found someone to do that with.  it sounds healthy and fun and you're enjoying each other as well.  yay!  love and hugs

[zen_racer]

the other thought that came to mind was 'aaaaah, youth!'  reading about your hikes, 7 frickin' miles!

Lol. I get stuff like that all the time, even when talking with people in real life. I'm 50 years old. Admittedly, I'm in pretty great shape physically, despite how sick I was for a couple years because of my gallbladder and then vitamin deficiency.

[sanmagic7]

hahaha, ZR!  back when i was 50, i felt pretty good, too.  i'm so very glad for you that you're able to do this physical stuff.  i think it's wonderful for you and  your health.  i've had to cut back over the years, had to take breaks when i was down and out, but feeling better right now.  back to walking and lifting, which feels good to me.  so, well done!

keep up the good work!  love and hugs

[zen_racer]

Last week, my mom had texted and wanted to have dinner.  She texted while I was at work, and was suggesting that night.  I took a while to calm down before responding, but eventually told her that evening wouldn't be possible.  She suggested other nights, and I didn't want to have a text conversation about that at work, so I just let it go, until the following evening.  I agreed to meet her this week, last night.

I don't like how I felt at her just reaching out for contact.  I don't like how I felt after I agreed to meet.  Between that and actually meeting, I dreaded it.  I thought about worst case scenarios.  I tried to figure out how far sideways everything could go.  Like her not letting me know other family would be around, all of them staging an intervention, her asking me for ridiculous stuff.  After leaving work yesterday, she wouldn't tell me what the new place in town was where she wanted to have dinner, and her wanting me to come to her house first seemed like a trap, and I wanted to cancel.  She has once trapped me somewhere by having us go together, when I was a teenager with my own car, and I've never felt safe going anywhere with her without me going separately since.

But I did go.  There was no big surprises with other people, but aside from the worst case scenarios, it did go kind of like how I thought it would.  After a while, she started beating around the bush of us not having been talking.  Of course, she did so by making up a story about how it was an issue with me, and she didn't know if I was still choosing to be upset with her or if I'd decided to get over it yet.  She obviously refused to acknowledge that it might actually be based on her behavior.  But this time, I didn't let it slide, and pointed out that it was because she acts like I'm a child, talks down to me, tries to pick apart every single thing I ever say.  She asked "Well I haven't done that today have I?"  I simply said "Not yet."  So she gave her smug smile and said "See, I've changed."  I didn't let that slide either.  I said "But don't you remember the last time we've talked about this?  I told you how badly your treatment of me affected me, and you told me that's just the way you are and you'll never change."  She got really quiet, and then changed subject.

She asked about other people in the family that she already knew I wasn't talking to.  Then asked about if I'd been riding my motorcycle much (she's already known that I mostly gave up racing this year).  I told her not a lot, but that I had just done maintenance to it and it's ready to go as the weather gets cooler.  I then told her that I should really do the work to the other two motorcycles so I can sell them, and the one I still ride, to get the new bike I want, pointing out that it would be safer if I wanted to ride to work.  That's when she started attacking the idea of me riding, making up stories about it, and talking down to me like she's the expert on riding motorcycles.  She doesn't ride, and I have for 18 years, including racing.  I stopped her, and told her flat out that I wasn't interested in her opinion.  "I'm not asking for opinions on if I should be allowed to do this.  I've ridden for 18 years and done race practice for over 10 years.  If you'd like to learn about riding you can ask me, but I'm not interested in an ignorant opinion from someone that has no experience with it."

Unfortunately, I let it slip that I'm seeing someone, but didn't give much information other than that.  She started jumping to conclusions up to suggesting that I should come over to dinner with her to meet the family and she'd invite everyone, and I flatly refused saying that's never going to happen.  And just to be clear, that's 100% to do with how my family treats me, and not at all to do with how things are going with B.  I have two view points on this.  If B is someone that I want in my life long term, why would I give my family the chance to show her how to treat me poorly and disrespect me?  That is how my family acts.  The other is why would I subject someone I care about to such horrible and abusive people?  I cannot see a single good thing that could possibly happen.

There was at least one other instance, I think early on, where she didn't have an argument for the facts I stated, so she attacked the semantics and then told me everything I said wasn't true.  I corrected her rather rudely that time.

After I finally escaped, I felt a little good about the interaction on my way home.  I stood up for myself, and didn't let it trigger me as badly with her behavior.  Later that night, I started getting angry about how she created the story about how everything was just some unknown thing wrong with me as to why I might be upset with her.  Angry for how she started acting like I was a child to get talked down to despite being the subject expert while she is 100% ignorant of it.  I think I've already gone through a stage of grieving the understanding, connection, and support I should get from parents.

I haven't started ruminating on it like I've done in the past, yet.  Not sure if I will or won't.  In some ways, it feels like I've come quite a ways into getting better and handling it better.  But in other ways, it highlights that I shouldn't have to spend over a week destabilized because a hollow bitter person that pretends to care wants to create an alternate reality where I'm always wrong and at fault.  And if it's only a week, that's still a LOT better than the rumination and self hatred used to last.

Sitting here writing this, I feel like punching something.  Maybe I should visit the punching bag in the basement.

There are other unrelated developments, but this is already long enough.

[NarcKiddo]

Your post totally resonates. My experiences with my mother are so similar. I also find myself spending endless time planning for any sort of outlandish situation she may throw at me. Yours suddenly becoming an expert in motorcycles just to spoil or stop you from riding them is precisely and to the letter the kind of thing mine will do, and it happens when there is a situation she cannot be involved in. Since she cannot be present in the activity she has to stop it and the only tactic left is to try to ruin it or make me scared of it. I swear, there must be a factory somewhere churning these people out!

I agree that you seem to have come a long way in your handling of such situations. But you are totally right that you do not deserve having to spend a week decompressing. You shouldn't have to spend any time decompressing after a visit from a family member who supposedly loves you. (I mean, I think everybody probably does to some extent because any visit with a family member you don't live with has its own pressures, no matter how well you get on, but surely not in a way that actively interferes with your equilibrium).