Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[sanmagic7]

ZR, i think that's a lot of what all this recovery and healing is about.  we try something, we learn from it, we keep on or adjust accordingly.  sometimes it only takes once, sometimes we have to repeat many times. we're all still learning, tho.  keep up the good work.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

I hope you're having a relaxing weekend and that the appointment with the new therapist goes well tomorrow. 

[dollyvee]

My session with the T didn't go well, and I think I need to start looking for a new one.  He has no plan for treatment, and his only direction is that it seems like I'm doing good on my own, and just keep doing that.

Hey ZR,

I was reading through your journal and saw this come up, and maybe I can offer a different perspective. Perhaps your t is trying to help you rely on your own sense of internal resiliance and capability. For me, growing up in a NPD household everything I did was challenged and, or wrong compared to those with NPD. I was the problem. So, perhaps he is letting you lead the way a bit because he is trying to help you understand that you are a capable person?

Just my two cents. As someone who has left therapists as well for various reasons, I know that it's a tough decision to make and if the fit doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel right.

Sending you support,
dolly

[zen_racer]

Thank you everyone.  Accepting self compassion and feeling worthy is apparently something I'm going to have to revisit a bit.  The weekend is becoming relaxing, but definitely didn't start that way.  I'm mentally running from things I don't want to deal with yet, though I think I might be ready to do some introspection on those.

DollyVee, it's good to see you back.  I already have an appointment with a new therapist tomorrow.  What you said is potentially a good point that I hadn't considered, but there were other red flags.  Lots of them.  He wasn't willing to do the type of therapy I was going there for, and complained about the protocol that has to be followed for doing it. He'd spend half the time talking about stories that often didn't relate to anything I was talking about, and he even started talking over me to tell me his stories.  He was making me want to give up on therapy completely.

I definitely relate to "Everything I did was challenged", so so much.  It's one of the reasons I'm starting to distance myself from all of my family.  Literally, every single word I say is challenged by my FOO.  I can't state my shirt size without people coming out of the woodwork to tell me that I'm wrong or try to assert the idea that there's no possible way I could be right about that.

Hugs to everyone.     

[sanmagic7]

He wasn't willing to do the type of therapy I was going there for, and complained about the protocol that has to be followed for doing it

ZR, as a therapist myself, this one put the lid on it all by itself.  glad you're looking for someone new.  you deserve much better. love and hugs

[zen_racer]

Thank you SanMagic.  That decision was odd for me.  There were definite red flags, but I was overlooking them hoping that things would get better.  Seeing things getting worse instead of better.  Feeling bad about not wanting to go to that therapist again, but getting to the point that it was making me want to quit therapy completely.  Ultimately, that's what prompted me to very quickly find a new therapist to try.  If therapy is making me want to quit therapy when I know I need it, something is wrong.

And speaking of which, the visit with the new therapist went well today.  She seems like she has structure to how she approaches it.  I don't think that's a bad thing.  She likes to collect data in the beginning.  A broad overview of things at first, and then a more detailed timeline of all the things.  And from there, start coming up with a plan for how to address the trauma, how to move towards my goals, etc.  She seems like someone that's good at asking the right questions, and like she's good at interpreting the information she needs to understand what's going on.  I'm seeing her again next week.  She also asked about the previous therapy and what I didn't like about it.  She was then really upfront about wanting me to know that if I have any concerns about the therapy or if there is anything I don't like that I should speak up.

With some of the brief overview kind of details we covered, there was at least twice where she made a facial expression of being shocked by the events being described.  Later, she had said something about how we had covered some difficult stuff, but to me it wasn't difficult, until now.  I think her real human reaction is nudging my brain towards seeing how bad that treatment was even more.  It's like I've always kind of known, at least a little bit, that it was wrong, but was made to think it was normal.  Seeing someone else react like that ... it's a kind of validation I wasn't expecting or looking for. 

[NarcKiddo]

Seeing someone else react like that ... it's a kind of validation I wasn't expecting or looking for. 

I think that can be the best kind of validation, because it is so spontaneous. My therapist told me outright that I had an abusive childhood. I had not asked her to and did not expect her to say that because she is very 'hands off' in terms of making absolute statements about me or about the way forward. The validation was immense and valuable.

I'm glad this therapist seems promising and has an approach that appeals. It's also good to know that she totally wants you to tell her if you are unsure or concerned about therapy.

 

[sanmagic7]

I'm glad this therapist seems promising and has an approach that appeals. It's also good to know that she totally wants you to tell her if you are unsure or concerned about therapy.

totally agree with this, ZR.  this T sounds like someone who is ready to take accountability, which is very important in my book. and my favorite T's are the ones who react spontaneously and appropriately - i think we all need that validation because, like w/ you, it also validates how much worse it was than what we've had in our minds.  good stuff.  love and hugs