Recovering Gently

[Gently]

....having lost her rag, my M would then sometimes take me to do the 'fun' thing, by which time it was no fun at all. 

This reminds me of a powerful scene in the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" with Jimmy Stewart. George, typically a doting father and loving husband, is going through a crisis in his life and trying to handle it himself. He's desperate, angry. All of his insecurities and unresolved anger and resentments are surfacing. He's is a state, and he goes home lost and confused. It's Christmas time, he has a lot of kids and his family life is a beautiful tableau of happy chaos. He can't handle it, and snaps at his youngest. The youngest is unfazed, knowing his father loves him, secure. George continues to be snippy, his wife senses his stress and relies on her trusted ability to calm and soothe him. It doesn't work. It all comes to a climax when he can't tolerate his daughter's piano practice, start and stop, start and stop. He yells at her to stop. She protests at first because she needs to know this piece for the families, evidence that normally she is allowed to protest something her Father has said. He repeats his demand that she stop. She stops, but doesn't cry. Not yet.

He catches himself, he recovers himself and feels bad about what he's done. He wants it all to go back to how it was before he blew his top. He apologizes, to his daughter, to his family. He tells her to go ahead and practice again. He asks his son to repeat his question to him. He says: What's wrong, go ahead and play! What's wrong with everyone?

Here's the moment that counts: the kids are no longer in an emotionally secure state. They are rocked, and no longer trust him. The attachment has been ruptured and needs repair. They can see that he is not yet safe. The daughter stands, frozen, not returning to the piano, crying, now. The son says: It's okay Daddy, it doesn't matter."

Here is where George really looses himself. He is enraged that his family will not cooperate with his desire for everything he did to be erased. He can't tolerate the reality of what he is doing to them, that they won't pretend with him that it's okay, that he's okay.

His wife, Mary, speaks up for her children, speaks up against her husband's emotional abuse, and says: Geroge, why must you torture the children. Why don't you leave?

Torture. It's torture to mistreat, misuse, abuse, harm someone, and then require them to help you pretend that they have not been harmed by it to save your own feelings about what you've done.

I love that Mary stood up to him like that. She is holding onto the two younger ones and standing in front of all of them, facing George off. Amazing.

Of course, in this movie, George is not an abuser and Mary can see that he is going through something and needs help. She proceeds to get help, loving him, AND disallowing him to cause more harm to her (and his) beloved family.

You didn't deserve to be treated that way because you asked for something, NarcKiddo. You deserved to be delighted in, and shown by example the beauty of life and joy and love. We all deserve a M who would stand against mistreatment and protect us. I hope, for both of us, that we can let our H's delight and love sink in deep enough to be able to trust it, at least with them.

[Gently]

The part that keeps standing out to me is that you're not waiting for the difficult feelings to disappear before choosing what is kind, protective, or even joyful for yourself.

That feels like such meaningful progress. 

I'm glad you're becoming someone you can rely on from the inside.

Thank you for your encouragement, TBB. I opened this forum this morning feeling a lot of pain. Looking at encouragements is hard for me. I tend to bounce off of them. I asked myself to stay with the encouragement in your post and others this morning, let it push through. It was uncomfortable, but it started to till the soil of my phyche, soften it, allowed the encouragement sink in. Now, after engaging with folks here, I feel better, calmer. It still hurts, but I feel less alone.

[NarcKiddo]

[TheBigBlue]

 

[HannahOne]

Gently, I can relate to finding it difficult to receive encouragement, or emotional support, or other good things. I think many of us can, given our history of relational trauma. We either rarely received encouragement and support so got used to being without it, or received it in a way that was confusing, scary, or hurtful.

The forum can be a good place to try things out, as we're anonymous, and it's by text writing so you control the pace and tone. And because we try here to be kind and respect boundaries, we have common experiences with CPTSD.

Glad you could let as much in as is right for you right now, at your own pace and discretion. 

[Gently]

A neat thing happened yesterday after engaging with some of you in this forum.

Before I got out of bed, I was pondering my day and felt that I wanted to do something fun, something enjoyable. But I was on my own, and that has always been a barrier for me. I've been feeling that lately, the impulse towards fun. I want adventure. That's new. Before, I felt mostly a need to be distracted from unpleasant feelings, or I make a big effort to go ahead and do something because I have interest but the feeling of fun and delight was overshadowed by the fog and the dull constant psychic burden.

Anyway, I went with the impulse for fun and it said "ping pong". There are public ping pong tables in a new community space along the river which my husband and I have enjoyed using this summer. He was working yesterday, so I was on my own and needed a partner. I immediately texted my daughter who lives very close by to see if she was interested in taking a break from her work to play with me.

Just sending that text to her felt so supportive, to say "yes" to the impulse for fun, to take action to see if I could make it happen. It was almost enough in itself.

A few minutes later, as I was getting ready for my day, my mind imagined riding my e-bike to do my errands along with going to play ping pong, rather than walking. For the few seconds my mind imagined this idea, there were feelings of energy, delight, joy, mojo, self confidence and self esteem that went with it. Happiness. It felt like a lovely daydream. Then, almost so subtle that it almost just blended into the background, came "Who do you think you are." and then all the happy feelings vanished and I was ashamed that I'd had the idea. I felt like an intruder, an interloper, a fraud, unworthy.

Here's the neat thing: I noticed.

This voice has happened to me so much that I never noticed the voice saying the thing. I've known for a long time that there has been a barrier to me being able to freely do the things that I want to do, especially when it's just for me. But yesterday, I heard it. And when I heard it, my mind was able to say "Wait a minute. What?"

It was profound. I was able to address this part of me directly, I will say it is a bullying part who is now being taught the new way of things. But it is definitely a bullying part. I will not say a "bully" because I believe in transformation. She is uncomfortable, having to watch while those of us who want to have fun and try things go ahead and do things without being under her influence. But the bullying part has been moved aside for now so that others can enjoy themselves in freedom. I will probably engage with that part at some point to see what she needs, but right now I need to let her watch and learn a different world so she can participate instead of controlling.

I went on my bike to do my errands. I went down to the river. My daughter was not able to join me yesterday, but I had a wonderful time. It was exhilarating. I loved it.

When I heard the bullying voice, actually heard it, and then did the internal self care for the part that was shamed. I knew that I was primed to hear it and see it and engage with it because of the dialogue here with you folks, especially the theme I explored with NarcKiddo about bullying and shaming M's about our wanting to do things.

So, wow. This is what group work does, listening to each other's stories and engaging with each other.

Thank you for being here and reading and talking with me.

 

[Gently]

My beloved bike 

[NarcKiddo]

Looking forward to seeing the bike picture when it gets approved.

I'm so happy you got to go to the river and ride your bike. I am very pleased for you that you heard the bullying part, and acknowledged her, and did not cave in. But also that you were not angry at the bullying part - for she likely is in some distress and may have an idea that this bullying is important. You have said that you will probably engage with her at some point. So she knows this and hopefully will be content to watch and learn for the time being.

 

[HannahOne]

Hooray for noticing!!

Hooray for noticing "feelings of energy, delight, joy, mojo, self confidence and self esteem"!

Hooray for parts working together, leaning back, and trusting You to lead the way!