the next step

[sanmagic7]

thanks, NK.  i do feel better today. 

ready to do another round of processing the grief inside (and whatever is attached to it) but in a much smaller piece this time.  i've been told how brave i am, how much courage i've exhibited by continuing this processing on my own.  i said i didn't feel brave or courageous, cuz i've always heard those states of being come from doing something that one has fear about, but doing it despite the fear.

until now, i haven't felt any fear about doing this processing, so it never felt like a brave thing to do.  since i fired my T, am waiting to hear from someone next month, i thought i'd tackle this area of grief that i'd never done before, mainly cuz i didn't have the feelings usually attached to it.  didn't/couldn't recognize the stages, cuz i was already working hard to survive that particular loss.  now, however, since the seizure, i do feel fear.  i can't trust my brain, which is what emdr/flash technique is all about, and it happened during a Flash episode.

so, yes, now i can consider myself brave, even courageous, to tackle another bit of this grieving stuff, but it's going to be a small, yet powerful bit.  it's the loss of my dog, who had been with me thru all the awfulness of my first marriage, and when i left, he didn't want to be married anymore, i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant, found a girlfriend in another state who had room, moved there on my own, and my dog was able to come w/ me.  w/in a month, i was told the landlady didn't want the dog there anymore, and i had to send him back.

i had survived everything up to that point, but having to get rid of him was the straw that broke my camel's back.  i've already written about what came after, but losing my dog is something i've never grieved, and while it's a small part of my story, to me it's one of the most powerful and heartbreaking parts.  it almost did me in.  so, i believe the loss of my dog deserves to be properly grieved, and i'll do that later today.  wish me luck.  i am scared.

[HannahOne]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dog, SM7. You were in a difficult situation and had to survive. Our pets are companions and attachment figures and losing them is very painful. It makes sense you would need to grieve this. Sending you virtual flowers in honor of your beloved dog, and tissues for the tears. Grief is love that now has no place to go. Your dog is gone, and the love remains.