dollyvee's recovery journal

[Chart]

So, I may have perhaps opened a can of worms yesterday talking about my reaction/what was coming up with the man in the sauna. I went to a cafe yesterday and had a coffee before going to the gym. I felt "cute casual" let's say and did a little bit of make up as I was hoping to run into someone. So, I felt like I was receiving unwanted attention from the man sitting next to me who was talking with a woman, shooting me dagger eyes. I just tried to ignore this, but I don't like how this man's energy made me feel, or just like I couldn't shut it out? There was a voice/feeling that came up, something like she didn't protect me. It made me think of the psychological reports and what was written about me and what happened with my gm. I was sort of shocked by this and think that I put off writing about it today, even though I wanted to remember it and thought it was significant for something to come up like that.

DV, I actually identify a bit with this situation, but kinda from both sides. I'll try to explain. I like to look at people when I go to a café. When I lived in New York I'd go to a café to write in my journal and after two hours would see only two sentences completed. I'd simply spend the whole time "people watching". But being hyper sensitive I'd also automatically go into my head and feel and analyze the "energies" of people around me. The worst was girls I found attractive. I would never stare, but my psyche had a strong desire to connect and "find love" where I'd never gotten it as a child. These experiences have been painful all my life. My own "energy" is "empty" a kind of desire to be filled. In my mind this was repulsive to people around me (especially cute girls). I also felt strongly that I was being aggressive and "bad" if I looked at girls. This was my conditioning from my abused mother who deeply hated men. I now am much more okay with my feelings of desire. I've worked on this and know where it comes from and that it's okay to feel (and express) this. I realize this isn't exactly the situation you described but perhaps it's interesting to hear a slightly parallel version.

I don't know/how it's related but I also feel like when people want to help there is this part that will push it away, like they can't protect me. Maybe this is a hypervigilant part that is aware that people have failed me before.

I might be wrong, but sounds like a Trust issue. And I'd like to quickly add that this makes perfect sense. Trauma creates this in us (I'm simplifying.) Anyway you are probably well aware of this. The trick (for me) is breaking the neural connections that keep this repeating.

[dollyvee]

I would never stare, but my psyche had a strong desire to connect and "find love" where I'd never gotten it as a child. These experiences have been painful all my life. My own "energy" is "empty" a kind of desire to be filled. In my mind this was repulsive to people around me (especially cute girls). I also felt strongly that I was being aggressive and "bad" if I looked at girls. This was my conditioning from my abused mother who deeply hated men. I now am much more okay with my feelings of desire.

Thank you Chart  I'm  sorry that your m was like that. I am also aware of this boundary crossing/ emotional incest in my own family and like yours, my gm told me that men were bad. Perhaps this is where the trust issues stem in part from.

I've been trying to untangle some feelings around SA that have come up over the years, and part of that is that I don't have any memory of something that might have happened. What I do have is a report where I was taken to a clinic after I was "caught" playing with another child in a sexual manner at the babysitters (I could go into it further what we were doing and if it was appropriate for children of that age to do those things, ie it wasn't just touching). My feelings around sex have always been clouded in something and guess I'm still trying to unpack what. All I have from this is a mention of it in my gm's psychological report and how she rose to the occasion, and how it made her feel better to "deal" with it. It was never mentioned again. So, I don't know if this is something that was a nothing burger, or something that I was somehow talked out of dealing with because people in my family wouldn't have been able to handle it. (I know that my m drunkenly called my gm one night and asked her why she didn't do anything when a neighbour (?) touched her.) What I know is that this sort of attention makes me uncomfortable and almost like I can't do anything.

It's interesting that the man in the sauna and the man sitting next to me were both older. I would say probably 10 - 15 for the first, and 20 years for the second. Usually when these feelings have come up in the past, I'm pretty sure I've shut them down because "I'm not supposed to feel that way," which is something I can imagine I would have internalized like something that was felt by the adults around me and I was supposed to model.

I might be wrong, but sounds like a Trust issue. And I'd like to quickly add that this makes perfect sense. Trauma creates this in us (I'm simplifying.) Anyway you are probably well aware of this. The trick (for me) is breaking the neural connections that keep this repeating.

After writing the above, I thought, it's almost like my gm has given this warning (don't trust men) so that we (my m and I - I'm guessing here she said the same thing to her) are responsible if men come around and hurt us. I don't know if I'm twisting it, but it almost gets her off the hook for having any responsibility (I'm having a sensation of smelling 1000 islands dressing here, or some sort of salad cream; I don't know why, but sometimes smells are important to me). I'm sure as well that these were her own experiences with men and from what I understand, she had a very strict father, and she wasn't forewarned about anything that had to do with sex. So, I have always had a feeling like these feelings about men were unfounded and didn't make sense, like they weren't mine. Yet, somehow the "panic" that comes up also seems disproportionate. There's also other "signs" that I have to acknowledge like somehow I feel like a pedophhile around children, or I freeze, don't trust myself, even though I would never do anything of those things and am repulsed by anyone that would. (This is pretty difficult to write given how it might be taken and all of the implications, or just admitting that this is something that actually happens). This isn't a direct response to you Chart, just something your reply sort of opened up. So, on the one hand, yeah I should be able to trust because these trust issues aren't mine, yet somehow I also don't trust myself and I don't know why.

I have been thinking about doing something like MDMA assisted therapy after Denverite shared his experiences.

[Chart]

DV, I've had that feeling too of feeling like a pedophile around childhood, or rather around children and other adults who I projected onto them thinking they thought I was the pedophile because I was being too nice to their kids...

For me this goes back to catching my biological father watching me. For sure I was terrified and was hyper aware of his presence (as he was mostly absent).

For Mdma, check out Dina's thread if you haven't already seen it:
https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=15993.0

[dollyvee]

How funny. I came back to find the references I made to spiders because I had a dream I was being bitten by a spider last night. Well, it was something to do with work and this big (black and fuzzy) spider sort of levitated/floated up to my foot and bit me, and then it happened again with another couple of them. I also think there was something about insects somewhere, but I can't remember for sure.

When I looked it up in the dream dictionary:

To dream that you are bitten by a spider represents a conflict with your mother or some dominant female figure in your life. The dream may be a metaphor for the devouring mother or the feminine power to possess and entrap. Perhaps you are feeling trapped by some relationship.

What's funny about it I guess is that yesterday, I had the experience of standing up for myself where I felt like I was having to defend myself against a bunch of people who see my actions a certain way when talking with other people, I don't see myself as the problem (just a bunch of entitled, macho behaviour and people who think they are right - not that I'm being judgemental haha). So, it's interesting that I was also writing about a dream I had about standing up for myself around the spider entry as well as another entry where I was discussing possible CSA and the things I knew for sure (in the same way I was doing yesterday). I guess it's funny because I feel like I'm circling around these themes, or these themes keep coming up, even if I can't quite put my finger on it (ie how is the devouring mother/conflict with my mother coming up yesterday).

So, the wonderful thoughts that I had after my dream about standing up for myself did not go as planned. Or maybe they did, but I wasn't prepared to deal with the feelings around standing up for myself if that makes sense? I feel like I've been doing well with that "stuff" lately and to not let it drag me in, and that there was some sort of boundary. But it was gone yesterday and I was left feeling like a recepticle for everyone else's passive aggressive behaviour, where I felt like I couldn't stand up for myself. Or, I was "standing up for myself" against this behaviour, but it's like it somehow made it worse and unrelenting? Why did this feeling of no, I'm not going to allow that, or the feeling that I didn't have to take it on dissipate?

Yesterday, I also felt like I was a recepticle for everyone else's passive aggressive behaviour when I tried standing up for myself. Maybe I wasn't actually standing up for myself because I didn't want to be "difficult?" Someone hit my car yesterday, totally their fault, then tried to get out of it saying there's no damage and then being reluctant to give their details. When I discussed something with someone later on, they told me the thing I wanted didn't exist when I know I've had that thing before, went out found the thing, and then had to wait in line for 45 mins for them to then adjust it. When, if they would have just listened to me in the first place, I wouldn't have had to do that. So, I told them that. Was it standing up for myself? Potentially, but also maybe not really. Maybe this reluctance of expression, or retribution for lack of a better word, is what's bringing these dreams/feelings up, but I also feel like I don't know why I can't express myself, or feel I have to take "this" (other peoples' behaviour) on? On top of that, I felt like being in this agitated state made other people just pile on, or feel like I had a more difficult time repelling/blocking out that kind of energy (and maybe seeing it's not me).

Further on in the earlier journal entry, it says:

A central theme was the importance of a loving and compassionate healing alliance between therapist and client, coupled with a desire on the part of both the higher self of the client and the personality for change to occur.

and

The guides reported that fear is the major block for change to occur as it creates its own vibrational frequency and holds the old patterns in place. The belief that the work can make a difference is essential as the doubt blocks the change from happening. An absence of guilt or shame regarding past behavior and the energy being changed is also essential for the negative patterns not to be pulled back. The energy of fear, guilt, and shame is often on a similar frequency to the energy to be changed and thus keep the negative patterns in place. A willingness to let go of the storylines that perpetuate stuck thought forms is also key for healing and transformation to occur.

There is a fear that still exists I think that I am somehow still at fault for what I say and do, that it's not "right" or acceptable, and I'm somehow "in the wrong." Even though I knew that the accident wasn't my fault, there was still doubt as I said it. I'm also aware that even though I might not be "wrong" about something, or my actions, it doesn't mean that people are going to like or accept it and can make my life difficult as a result. I think this results in fear about what might happen. (This is also another theme that's happening right now with people lying about the things I'm doing with people saying to me the only way this is going to get resolved is if you do this thing and there's no way that is the "right" thing. This person is a snake, but that's another story. But I do find myself feeling like I have to prove myself to other people because it's about survival, and the battle of saying something (and deal with ensuing conflict) or don't say anything and try to get along, smooth it out (and self abandon/take it all on).)

It's just interesting these things are coming up again. A thought about connection popped into my head and how maybe I feel like I need to connect with these people, who might not have my best interests at heart, or have no connection and be on my own. I think this is "old stuff," or another old theme or pattern. What's funny is I had a connection this weekend that felt like a good connection where the person is someone I can trust (but is something holding me back in this connection?). So, it's like on the other side, I can see that there are good connections out there who are affirming my experiences. Why am I feeling like these negative experiences are my "fault?" 

[Hope67]

Wow Dolly, that's interesting to hear about the meaning of the spider dream. 

Your final question in your journal entry 'Why am I feeling like these negative experiences are my "fault"?' - I wonder if it's perhaps a small part of you (i.e. child part) - when at that age children tend to think that everything is their fault, or they're responsible for everything?  I sometimes wonder if a younger part of me operates in that way, as I often feel as if I'm responsible for so many things.  (Please disregard if this doesn't make any sense) - I'm not sure how well thought out this reply is.  But I wanted to just say that.

Sending you a hug 
Hope 

[Chart]

I agree with Hope. My understanding is that newborns cannot really distinguish what is "them" and what is "exterior" or "outside them". They have no boundaries or limits. People are always just picking them up, putting them down, changing the diaper, etc. They were literally "fused" with their mother. Occurrences around them cannot be distinguished as not being part of them. This lasts for many years. The classic is children who are convinced their parents  separation is their fault, somehow magically related exclusively to them. Since they cannot understand the other elements involved they all too easily assume it's something to do with them. Children who are over-indulged come to have a similarly warped perception of reality. And children experiencing trauma are the same, thinking the treatment is entirely justified because of something they did and more aptly, something about how they "are". This becomes a reflex that can last the rest of our lives.

[dollyvee]

Thank you Hope    it does make sense. I guess when I look at it in my own brain or the incident itself, it's like I don't recognize that "part," or it gets triggered without my awareness. I tried to describe it to t and I would say that it's deefinitely more of a feeling, then something that pops into my awareness. I guess that's something to note and pay attention to when this comes up.

Thank you Chart 

T and I talked a bit about being at fault and how it's like "getting into trouble." I think it brings up the same feelings of I did something wrong/I am bad, which seems to be the connection/progression in my mind. Also, I can see how this might lead to "perfectionistic" tendencies when putting "myself" out there because I don't want to be wrong and therefore bad? As in, I struggle to express myself to other people because I don't want to make a mistake and then be bad? Or perhaps a part does, and then this is sort of compounded with that part is easily suggestible because it doesn't feel it's right (there's shame in being wrong?). I think this feeling also comes up when I feel like I have to stand up for myself, and there is an implication that I have done something wrong (shame) because I have to "defend" myself. It's not seeing that I can have healthy selfishness and that everyone doesn't automatically deserve my trust.

It's funny because I forgot about the accident and writing that entry entirely. I wonder if it went back into the stressful things I can't process that I might be at fault for part of my brain, or if perhaps I processed some of it as t suggested.

I also can see how the spider/devouring mother dream would be coming up around shame and that this is an underlying theme. I guess the dream meaning is along the same lines as having sex with my gm and not really realizing that was what was happening. To me, there is shame in doing the act, and then perhaps shame for not doing it. Or maybe that is guilt? That I've let someone down.

One thing that has been on my mind is that t when discussing my feelings/parts with t, she told me, "I think it's shock etc from a humiliation young age." I can't help but to feel like she has her DBR glasses on and thinks that I will be solved by doing this, even though I've told her how uncomfortable the thought of doing DBR makes me feel. It just makes me uncomfortable that it's like another person isn't listening to me about what's going on. I tried to communicate this to her yesterday, so let's see how it goes.

[dollyvee]

So, I've done some more reflecting on my dream. Well sort of, the connection popped into my head about how I feel like there's always some "crazy" (jealous/manipulative/playing the victim also fit here too) woman that's going to take something away from me ie like my m and gm where I will be "standing up for," or proving my truth while people see me as a "bad," or "mean" person. This to me, is the energy of the devouring mother, and feels like being "trapped" in some sort of way. I've been in many situations like this and some I can recount recently. It seems like I have to give up myself to validate the insecurities of other people, which seems very much like old stuff from growing up.

(Of course I can empathsize with people who are feeling a certain way, it just seems like a lot of the time these things are one directional where I am carrying someone else when I think that there might be understaning in another direction. Though I don't feel like that with a recent friend I made though I wonder if I'm being selfish at times because I'm not giving enough. Maybe it's just breaking an old pattern? I'm rambling)

I will also say that the day after I had the dream, a woman that I had spoken to infrequently, which became much more infrequent after she told me that she thought forest fires were started by lasers from space, and that celebrities were taking this "drug" farmed from children in order to stay young, tried to approach me at the gym. Internally, I said, NO, and she just turned around on her heels and went the other direction. I did avoid her after seeing her in the toilets, so maybe she wanted to say something about that. Anyways.

I have been trying to be more aware of being in Self recently because I'm curious about this "dissociation" and how I seem to be just being carried along, and feeling like my brain/self/parts are compartmentalizing things. Last night I woke up around 4am and couldn't remember my dreams, even though I had just woken up from them. So, I tried to be in Self and felt like there was a part that was active protecting me from something, or wanted to protect me. It just sort of came up as a feeling in time, which I can't quite remember now. I acknowledged that part and the work that it was doing, thought (or didn't think about something else for a while), and then the dreams popped up into my memory,

Poss TW


which had to do with three women/young women/girls? who were sort of stationary with sexual acts being preformed on them. I don't know if it was consenual or not.

End TW

When I was thinking about not remembering my dreams, I thought how weird, usually they are present. So, I think a part did want to hide that, protect me perhaps. This is reminding me of something that I may have touched on briefly, but growing up I was told how women in the family/village would go into the sheds and rub themselves with dirt to make themselves ugly, so they wouldn't be raped by soldiers. It reminds me of my gm's attitudes towards men and how perhaps some of her fear stemmed from that, and whatever had been passed down to her has been passed down to me too. Yesterday, the man came into the sauna again and it was quiet. I gave a half smile as I would to others, but after a few seconds, I felt like this sort of black hole opened up that I was slipping into. Like some sort of magnetic pull of fear or panic, which I tried to rigidify/toughen out. Afterwards, I thought it was perhaps touching on my core of toxic shame, and this is what that feels like when I'm exposed in some way? Although, I do wonder if perhaps the fear is coming from inherited memory, or maybe perhaps they are intertwined. This generational stuff has been coming up for a bit now, and I'm wondering if it's time to maybe try some family constellations and see what comes up. (It's funny because a friend ha done some family constellations and I was so excited for them about it and to hear how it went. I think it's another one of those siituations where it's something that I wanted for me, but "gave it away" if that makes sense?)

[Chart]

There're so many things I want to comment on, DV, in your last post... But I only have time to read...

[dollyvee]

Thank you for reading Chart 

I started writing this yesterday and wanted to write about my session with t and how it all came back to me feeling like the problem. Well, it boiled down to I'm either doing lots of efforting to try and solve something and if I wasn't doing that I would likely feel moody and depressed. I woke up in the middle of the night wondering if that idea had been "planted" by t, or was a conclusion that she sort of wanted me to arrive at, and then felt betrayed.

We've talked about efforting before (her words), why was I doing so much in therapy. She is the second therapist I'm seeing right now because I wanted to get a different perspective with NARM, so I can see how it looks like efforting. However, there's been so many things in my life that didn't have answers that I (feel?) I had to solve to help myself because either I didn't understand what was going on with me (and how my brain works), or why I was so sick, or how I was going to survive in the world on my own. All of these things take effort to understand, process, and work through. So, for me I get that struggle with inquisitiveness and it has been helpful to me. I can see quite a few instances where I do think I'm the problem, or worry about being the problem, being blamed as if I'm at "fault."

I wonder too if this sense of "betrayal" with t is me replicating how I've been let down and how I've had to fight for things, or where I'm interpreting what she's doing as something that's not good for me that I have to fight.  I wonder about what happens when asked to take in new information (as in the session the other week) and how it seems like it gets shut down, or I feel like I have to shut out how I'm feeling about something (reminiscent of growing up). So, the narrative becomes that I have to fight for myself. T asked me what I would be doing if I wasn't doing therapy and I said probably be moody or depressed or I don't know. And here I think is where it came back to, if I wasn't a problem I was trying to solve, I don't know what I would be doing with myself? What is it that I want? T asked me about the man from the sauna and if I would actually be interested in him, and I said I don't think so, but I didn't know for sure. It's like there's this unknown checklist in my head that things are run by, but I don't have any feeling about that, or connection to it.    Maybe it's because I can't actually say no to something because then that would be disappointing someone, or letting them down and it was my "job" to make people feel ok. So, it's easier not to say anything.

___________________

I also wanted to write and process a bit about a dream I had. Someone recommended I do some of the heart frequency meditations on youtube. I have done them before with interesting results. I had a lot of the same twitching/body movements, but nothing really popped up except a man's face. (I feel there was some stuff that came up last night, but I'm either numbing it out, or can't remember. I do feel like it comes up in a "unified" way, and that's it more of a body/conscious thought, than just a conscious thought. An aside, it's interesting after watching a documentary called Tukdam, that the Tibetans see the heart centre as also the seat of consciousness (if I'm understanding that correctly)).

In the dream, I was riding down this hill on a metal box type thing and there was a bar that was a brake, which didn't do anything, and another brake that I thought didn't stop the box, but actually worked. I was eating this really yummy, buttery gluten free croissant (which I never get to eat in real life because they don't exist) and this man with glasses was following behind me on a bike, sort of concerned about me, but also just letting me do it, and I thought this is what I want. When I looked up the meaning of the croissant, I had to laugh:

"To dream you are eating a croissant indicates that you are lacking some love or affection in your life. There is a void waiting to be filled."

How fitting for a heart centre meditation - ha! I dismissed the dreams I had that night at first, because they sort of felt "all over the place," but now I'm wondering if perhaps they stirred up a different part of my consciousness. When I went back to the dream after reading about the croissant (because it stuck out so much, how could I not look it up), I wondered about my actions and being independent and whether or not it was sort of fair/reasonable to expect someone to follow me on a crazy adventure like that (except I feel like I do IRL and perhaps don't account for how someone might be concerned?). It also made me think of the kind of ideal/good enough parent one has to have in developing secure attachment where they will be there to come back to if something happens. Perhaps this is what I'm wanting from a partner, that kind of attachment figure to come back to. However, I don't think it's really reasonable to ask/expect someone to be that/do that? Perhaps this is the emotional void I have in my life, or the love and affection I was lacking? The cycle I keep repeating? It's interesting because I woke up thinking about my dad, and I would say that he was probably that kind of attachment figure (and this is what I had forgotten! Was being in his house at that age where I probably started developing, and then something about shutting down those responses. It ties into another dream I had I think).

I've done this meditation for two more nights, but I feel resistance to doing it and I wonder if it is stirring up too much consciousness that I want to keep hidden.

[Chart]

I might have already shared this... but maybe it relates to your "heart" orientation...
https://youtu.be/6u0JjjikmT0?feature=shared

[dollyvee]

Haha - thank you Chart. I will take a look! I just came on here to post this (another video about the heart):

https://www.facebook.com/tenzinwangyalrinpoche/videos/442139476386159/

I like how he says to be open and trust in your ability to change your perception. I know that's something I struggle with at times, even though it might not be on a conscious level. Also, I think it's a way of giving agency and saying that you do have the ability to change "this." I also thought it was interesting that he said some of these things it touches are outside our logic/reason etc (ie goes into more subtle things that need to shift). He also talks about how the mantra purifies attachment, and I feel like this is what my dream was referring to.

Tbh when I said the mantra a few times, I did feel myself smiling. It felt good.

If anyone is interested, this is the documentary I was referring to:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDBEl9bSGMQ

[NarcKiddo]

I haven't commented in your journal for ages, dollyvee, but I have been popping in to read from time to time. Just wanted to say that, really. I was interested to read about the meaning of a croissant in a dream. Would never have guessed that!

[Armee]

Do you think your reaction to the man at the gym was more about general male attention, or something about him specifically? I just wonder because I know I can have some pretty intense triggers and what you describe sounds similar to how I feel in that state, and often there are triggers that I'm not recognizing. So I was just wondering if there's something specific about that man or the circumstance he approached you in (even something like a specific angle of approach) that could have been a more specific trigger than just general discomfort with people getting close. You don't need to answer I just wanted to put it out in case it helped you identify triggers. I find once I know specific triggers it's easier to manage but they can be pretty subtle.