Hopeful to find this community

[BrightArrow]

Hello everyone!

I'm so filled with hope to find a community like this. I've been searching for ways to connect with others who can understand my experience and have found it difficult for a number of reasons.

I was diagnosed with CPTSD about four years ago by my current therapist. I was floored at the time and resistant to the diagnosis ("surely what I went through wasn't really that bad?"). Mostly it made me feel "broken" at the time to hear from my therapist that such-and-such thing could be a trauma response. I thought I was handling things so well! 

But eventually it made more and more sense. My CPTSD stems from a difficult childhood marked by neglect and home chaos as the eldest daughter of a mother with untreated schizophrenia (she wasn't diagnosed and medicated until I was in my mid-twenties) and a father who was mostly well-meaning but regularly inactive and absent, due to traveling for work. He also likely had ADHD and could be emotionally reactive. There's lots of facets to this of course but a major one is parentification as I often felt solely responsible for my two much younger siblings. My trauma responses tend to be fawn and freeze.

My CPTSD symptoms didn't get really bad until I developed health problems (thanks, ACEs!!) and experienced a series of medical traumas at the hands of uninformed providers. I live with several chronic and dynamically disabling health conditions (one necessitated minor surgery and another confined me to my bed/home for about half a year). I found a good therapist skilled in chronic illness and trauma, and have been working on healing through weekly appointments, reading and workbooks as well as nervous system regulation. And basically learning to ask for help after literally years of firmly believing that there was no one to help and I had to do everything on my own (my most powerful core belief).

I have come so far—lots of my intrusive trauma symptoms around my disabling illness have faded. (My therapist says "last on the bus, first to leave".) I still deal with the family trauma triggers on a regular basis but they are mostly manageable. The one thing that is a persistent struggle is severe separation anxiety in very particular situations (being alone overnight). I'm working on it but whew this is a hard one.

Both my parents are dead, and those losses, because of the way they happened (my father died suddenly and my mother after a long and difficult decline from dementia during Covid lockdown) were their own kind of trauma. So riding the complicated grief waves are a part of healing. I simultaneously miss them and grieve for the things they never gave me and the harm they did and am mad I didn't get to tell them any of this (my diagnosis came after they both had died). 

One thing that has really helped me recently is getting diagnosed with ADHD (I'm a woman in her 50s, so a late diagnosis) and finding a great coach. I'm just starting to try medication for that...it's a little tricky with my other health conditions. But lots of things make more sense to me now—how my unique brain and its strategies intertwine with my trauma responses.

I look forward to connecting with others here—and in particular hearing from those with similar stories. Grateful this space exists!

[Kizzie]

Hello and a very warm welcome to OOTS BrightArrow, so glad you found your way to us! It sounds like you already have a very good understanding of your CPTSD, but sharing here with other survivors and hearing their stories will likely be quite helpful to your recovery.

We know that if you have CPTSD symptoms it really was that bad so you never have to explain or wonder if it's appropriate to be here. So many of us come here thinking we didn't have it that bad and then learn that it doesn't matter if the abuse/neglect was severe/overt or subtle/covert, if it's ongoing it inevitably leads to CPTSD.

You mentioned having separation anxiety and I know a number of people post about it when they're feeling it which seems to help with not feeling so alone. You have a lovely community now who understand those kinds of feelings and that means you're not so alone with all things CPTSD. 

[Papa Coco]

Welcome to the forum, BrightArrow.

I'm glad you found this group. I joined about 3 years ago, and have been comforted many times by the wonderful people here. I trust you will find that same comfort and compassion and openness here to help you feel not-so-alone with CPTSD also.

This is definitely a place where others can understand and validate that your emotions and flashback states are real. We feel them too.

Welcome

[BrightArrow]

Thank you, Kizzie! I really appreciate hearing about others with separation anxiety. It helps to know I'm not alone with that.

[BrightArrow]

Papa Coco, thank you so much for your kind words—-comfort, compassion, and openness are exactly what I was hoping for.

[Desert Flower]

Welcome BrightArrow,
I'm glad you found this place and I'm sure you will find lots of support here, like I do too. (I'm a little tired at the moment, so excuse my English please).

Your story resonates a lot with me, as I'm sure it will with lots of us here.
Especially this notion when I (only very recently) have finally been diagnosed (also a women in my early fifties) and thinking: okay, but it wasn't that bad, was it? (But I'm afraid it was.) And also, I only recently discovered/recognized that my mother probably should have been diagnosed with depression/dysthymia at the time, but she wasn't either (still istn't).

And I can see from what you write that you're well on your way to healing. Wishing you lots of support.

[Chart]

Hello and Welcome BrightArrow. I love your pseudonym! The mutual help here on the forum is priceless. I only figured out my condition since about a year but am convinced I've gained so much time and healing specifically due to the support and connection here. I am embracing Love more and more as my healing continues and the forum makes that shared feeling so much the stronger. Sorry you suffered from developmental trauma but glad you have found us, and vice-versa.

[BrightArrow]

Thank you, Desert Flower and Chart...your kind words mean so much to me, I really appreciate them!! I am so glad to be surrounded by people who understand in this space. It can be hard in everyday life when others struggle to "get it".

[Hope67]

Welcome BrightArrow,
 
Hope