Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hey alliematt, sorry things are so difficult right now. I only want to gently remind that we should take things one step at a time. It's okay to not get 'everything' done in a week. Any progress is progress, regardless of how small that progress is. Things might feel impossible if we look at them as one big hill, but do know that you can chip away at these things, little by little, and the hill will eventually crumble.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Chart]

 

[alliematt]

I threw up my hands this morning and deleted everything on Google Calendar with the exception of "fixed" events (e.g. two doctor's appointments this week.) I've tried everything. I can't get a decent, consistent schedule on paper. And every time I do, something happens that blows it to bits. Last month it was a bunch of doctor's visits. This month it was spending time with my son watching the Olympics. I cannot juggle work, writing, doctor's visits, keeping house, Bible study, prayer, and caring for my family!

[AphoticAtramentous]

Sorry to hear you're having great frustrations with your calendar organisation, alliematt. That does sound like an incredible amount of tasks to manage. If the time management is stressing you out, have you considered lessening the workload a little? It's okay to step back a little and put things aside if you need to. We're not machines, we're not meant to be operating 24/7!

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Chart]

Sorry to hear your struggling Alliematt.
 

[alliematt]

I yelled at my counselor on Tuesday. I'm tired and frustrated with so many things.
And then yesterday, there was an act of violence in the state I live in that made national news.
Today I wrote a Substack post about a time when the bullies won in my life. Because I really feel like nothing changes, especially with violence.
Bullies drove me off the bus in 12th grade. When I said, "they won," my mother's response was, "Don't you EVER say they've won!" But they had won. They drove me off the bus. I wish I had punched a few people in the nose when I was six years old. Then they would have learned that I was a force to be reckoned with and left me alone! But no, I had to be nice and sweet and Christian and forgive everyone . . .and it left me with a lifetime of low self-esteem, tears, pain, and poor coping skills.

And maybe I just want to sit here and wallow in self-pity and not do anything about it. But between past abuse and present circumstances? What can I do? What am I supposed to do? What do you do when there is so much to do, you know you can't do it all, but you feel like you HAVE TO do it all because no one else will if you don't?

[alliematt]

I'm in a better frame of mind today than I was after my last entry, but yesterday evening I got a shock, and the implications didn't hit me until this morning.

I was part of a group of churches during college that turned out to be cultic. They were/are a subset of a larger denomination that I am still part of. Two men were responsible for shaping that group, and while I believe they began with good intentions, they took a turn into cult territory. Man #1 was eventually fired by his home church. He died a few years ago. Man #2 organized not one, but *two* split-off groups of churches from the original subset. (Long story.)

I learned yesterday that Man #2 was disfellowshipped for recurring, unrepentant sin. Man #1 was also guilty of "recurring sin" that I don't think he ever apologized for.

This morning it hit me that from fall 1981 onward - fall 1981 being when I got involved with this group of churches - EVERY major decision I made in my life was somehow influenced by these two people. And it makes me very angry. I'm not yelling or throwing things right now and I'm not in danger of metaphorically or literally jumping off a cliff! But I'm just shocked, stunned, and very angry at how much control I've let these two people, both directly and indirectly, have. And now both of these two people have fallen.

Man #2 and the estate of Man #1 have both been named in a number of lawsuits accusing their group of churches in complicity in sexual abuse. Basically, if an instance of sexual abuse came to light, the victims and families were told to let the church handle it, not law enforcement. The way the church "handled" it was to send the offender to another congregation in their group of churches and not tell anyone what the real reason was. A lot of rot has come out in the open over the last few years.

This is not something I will get over overnight. This is going to take a great deal of processing. 

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[Chart]

And maybe I just want to sit here and wallow in self-pity and not do anything about it. But between past abuse and present circumstances? What can I do? What am I supposed to do? What do you do when there is so much to do, you know you can't do it all, but you feel like you HAVE TO do it all because no one else will if you don't?

Alliematt I identify with this so much. I think I'm doing exactly that this morning. The only thing I've found lately that's helping me is that I do "something" (even something absurd or unrelated to what I think I should be doing) and I recognize that I'm trying. Usually a day later I'm a bit better (but not always )