I always always always thought it was me

[Desert Flower]

I think the most valuable thing I learned these last couple of months is this. - It's not me, it's what happened to me.-  Big, big thing. Because I always thought it was me.

Elsewhere on the forum, Kizzie wrote:
The effects of trauma are indeed just that—effects of an event [or events]—and as such are causally related to the trauma and not to the harmed individual. .... when psychology and mental health professionals draw that causal path incorrectly, when the field fails to place the dysfunction solidly on the shoulders of individual and societal wrongdoing, survivors of trauma .... end up shouldering the burden. This, in essence, is pathologizing—the assumption that because individuals exhibit certain sets of symptoms, they are themselves disordered.[/i]  From Rosenthal et al, (2016). Deconstructing disorder: An ordered reaction to a disordered environment. Journal of Trauma & Dissociation 17(2).  As this article points out, we are not disordered; rather, we sustained lasting psychological and physical injuries due to the abuse/neglect of others.  These symptoms we develop are normal responses to an abnormal situation; that is, the ongoing abuse/neglect we were subjected to.  These responses allowed most, but not all, of us to survive.  It is important to our mental health and to how we are treated by professionals, government, the public and family that we accept this perspective rather than accept blame for our symptoms.

And I just want to say I'm so happy you wrote this Kizzie. For so many years I really thought there must be something wrong with me for reacting the way I do to so many situations. It's all starting to make sense to me and I feel so much less crazy now. It's such a relief, I can't tell you enough. It is my new mantra: It's not me, It's what happened to me. Even if I still react the same way and get triggered, at least now I understand what's happening. There's actually nothing wrong with me! I cannot get over how liberating this insight is.

Time to use this emoji:   (I don't even like fireworks, they scare me, ha ha!)

Just wanted to share my happiness about that. Because you've all been so helpful and supportive with me here.

[Desert Flower]

I feel instantly guilty for blaming 'them'. I always always always thought it was me. But really, I'm finding out so much here. On this forum, there's a lot of talk about narcissists. And I didn't think so much of it. I really am new to some of the wording here, I feel really stupid about it. But I looked it up and it turns out that an ex of mine (6 year relationship when I was an adult), one that hurt me very much, and whom I didn't even think was worth mentioning here because he is not one of my primary traumas, he is one of the repetitive traumas or re-traumatizing patterns, just rubbing it in a little deeper, turns out he was a complete narcissist! I knew he was a complete d*** of course (he's a toddler with a fancy car), but actually he just ticks all the boxes! Oh my. Including the way he acted towards me. And I always thought it was me. It's NOT! I am almost happy about it. It is so liberating to know there was (again!) nothing wrong with me. And then I almost want to start blaming myself for not finding out sooner, I'll try not to. And maybe I'll start another post about these repetitive patterns in our lives. I have so much I need to vent!

And I thought about my mother some more too. And I also found out there's a name for her condition. Apart from the anxiety (I knew that) I think she is actually dysthymic. Wow. Somehow that helps me tremendously. There was never any joy, any playfulness, any enjoyment of any kind, doing anything FUN with us kids. It's part of a condition. She's still that way of course. I find it very hard to deal with. But I decided I'm not going to try to make her feel better anymore. I decided it's impossible. And I will only do for her as much as I can bear. And it will not be enough. And that will just have to be it. Period.

[Chart]

Sounds like you're making some big and positive changes and realizations DF. I can feel your excitement and, dare I say it... JOY at these breakthroughs.
Very cool and very happy for you.
 

[Cascade]

Hi Desert Flower,
Thank you for helping me remember that feeling of it's not me, it's what happened to me.  It's very powerful and validating, indeed! 

I, too, feel guilty when putting the blame at the feet of my perpetrators.  I still put it there, though, with the caveat that they can do with it as they please.  If it's not theirs either, they can move it.  This is all in my mind.  Sometimes I just throw it far away if I'm feeling generous.

Glad you're here,
   -Cascade

[Desert Flower]

So glad you're here too Cascade. And Chart. And everyone. 

[Lonewolf86]

Hi DesertFlower,

I like your name btw.  A beautiful fragile thing that blooms in the harsh desert environment.. I like the analogy.  Anyway, wanted to say that I think its really awesome that this realization that "its not you" is so powerful.  I have been slowly having that realization too but for me it's buried under more "stuff" because I can't seem to shake the tendency to blame myself and hate myself for everything, for nothing even though I intellectually know what I know - for me it's often still not enough to get me out of it all.  Reading your post gave me some encouragement that if I keep working at it, I might begin to feel more peaceful inside myself more of the time. That's what I want. Peacefulness

[Desert Flower]

Yes Lonewolf, I hear you. Peacefulness would be great. I've been striving for it for 17 years now. And I do feel more peaceful at times.
So it was not only this realization that has made me feel better, it has been a journey.
And many times still, I do not feel so great. But I know there are moments where I really do feel better.

Your post made me contemplate how exactly this realization is so helpful to me. I think it has to do with validating my feelings and not pushing them away anymore. It makes me feel I'm okay, with whatever I'm feeling. Whereas before in my life, I had some people telling me soooo many times that I shouldn't feel any of this and I had come to believe I shouldn't. That there must be something wrong with me for feeling the way I did/do. But there's not. I may feel these feelings.
And also, because 'normal' people (apparently) didn't feel this way and I wanted to be normal so badly. And I'm now in the process of accepting that what I'm feeling is a reaction to things that happened that were not normal.

And I'm now starting to share the way I'm feeling with people around me (with my husband, a few friends, some people at work), because they had no idea, they can't see it. And it makes me feel less crazy to know these feelings are a normal reaction to what happened. It gives me the beginning of acceptance. Allowing myself to feel - even though it's overwhelming too sometimes - helps me relax, which may bring some peace to my mind. I'm not crazy.

I hope you will find your Peacefulness too.

[Chart]

We are not crazy. Indeed, we are good people who have somehow managed to escape through consciousness the cycle of hurting others because we ourselves were hurt. I believe this is the number one problem facing humanity now. We have to stop behaving such that we destroy others to our own advantage. The mechanistic functioning of evolution stops working after a certain tipping point in conscious development. We are at that point. I sometimes wonder how many other animate species throughout the universe have arrived at this point as well. And how many have managed to survive beyond it... I believe this strongly because once living things begin putting more energy into the joy of existence over the constant fear of survival, then the whole game changes. We are not crazy. We want to live in peace. That is the most sane thing possible.

[Desert Flower]

True Chart. Thank you.

[lostwanderer]

I know this was originally posted about a month ago but I just want to say I love this:

It's not me, It's what happened to me.

What a great reminder for me.  Thank you for sharing what you did.

[Desert Flower]

Thank you too lostwanderer, I'm glad it's helpful.