Compounding traumatic experiences

[Azul]

(I'm not sure if this sub-board is the right one to discuss this on, but I couldn't figure out which one might be.)

Do any of you have multiple different things in your life that are probably contributing to your C-PTSD and it's intensity?

I'm pretty sure mine is caused by a few different long-term traumatic experiences: emotional abuse from family of origin, being autistic, chronic physical illness and pain, and healthcare trauma from not getting help for my illness despite trying for over a decade.

All of these things are overlapping for me too, as in are happening simultaneously beginning at some point in time. The negative effects have compounded over the years and have become very overwhelming/consuming for me to the point where I am really struggling to function. I feel so beat down and like there is very little willpower of my own left to draw from.

I'm about to begin seeing a therapist but haven't yet, and I'm currently really struggling. So I'm posting here to try and help myself deal and cope better right now.

[Blueberry]

The negative effects have compounded over the years and have become very overwhelming/consuming for me

I'd say this is part and parcel of cptsd. In fact a good few years back we were discussing a better term for complex post-traumatic stress disorder from our pov and iirc 'compound/ed' was discussed as more to the point than 'complex'.

Anyway, you're not alone on here with having various different contributors to developing cptsd. I'm sorry you're struggling atm. Sending support and care and if safe for you gentle   

[Blueberry]

Considering that just yesterday or day before you were considering setting your M a boundary and maybe you even did, it's not surprising you're feeling a little rough. Unfortunately in my experience steps forward like this rather shake the foundation. Hang in there, it does get better!

[Azul]

Thank you Blueberry.

Interesting that 'compounded' was discussed as an alternative to 'complex.' It definitely seems more specific and to better explain the experience people are having. Thanks for sharing that with me.

And yes, I did end up setting that boundary with my mother yesterday. I didn't even think about how that probably has put me in a vulnerable, rough or shaky emotional/psychological  state. Thank you for pointing that out.

[NarcKiddo]

Well done on setting your boundary. I'm proud of you. 

If trauma started in childhood then we will see and experience everything ongoing through the lens of that trauma. If it starts early enough we have no other experiences to draw on. So, yes, your suggestion that the whole thing compounds feels very accurate to me. The longer it goes on the bigger and more tangled the whole knotty mess becomes. Ultimately meaning it takes that much longer to unpick.

[Phoebes]

Yes, yep, absolutely!    The same has progressively happened to me more and more as well. I thought earlier on I would get help, heal, move on and thrive! I'm frustrated that that has not exactly been the journey but more of a series of injuries and illnesses where I don't have anyone here to help after a surgery, I'm not able to address things because I don't have a ride, I go to therapists and quickly learn they don't understand trauma the way they said they did so I quit. Grieving the losses of N-family, deaths of people close to me, animals that were my sole companions, health scares and conditions. Dealing with every alone, always. It adds up.

[Chart]

More and more I have the suspicion that experiences of people on this Forum go all the way back to their birth (as is my case). It makes sense... in a tragic way. Poor parenting doesn't start at ten or eleven, it's there right from the get-go. I think pre-verbal trauma is far more prevalent than many realize. It can easily be overshadowed by more "recent" memories. And and as well, already Cptsd is difficult to deal with, but about symptoms that come from a period of time you don't even remember? Talk about boxing with an invisible adversary. I think it can all too easily start at birth (or even before) and then compound. Depressing hypotheses. The only positive I can imagine is the possibility to nonetheless face things to their very root. Go back far enough and there is point at which there is "no more".

[Azul]

Narckiddo-

Thank you for the praise and encouragement.

And, yes, for me the abuse began in childhood and continued through,...well now (though I am working to not continue to allow it.) So it is as you so well described: "The longer it goes on the bigger and more tangled the whole knotty mess becomes. Ultimately meaning it takes that much longer to unpick."

Thank you for sharing your insights

[Azul]

Phoebes-

Yes, I can relate. I'm sorry you're going through it too.

I am only now beginning to try therapy. It scares me though. I know I need help, but I also know that bad "help" isn't help. That's what I've experienced with my physical illness: doctors who don't know what they're doing and /or who don't care enough about actually helping people. I think for some doctors, the job is just a nice paycheck and status symbol.

But, I'm hoping I somehow have better luck with therapists and mental health help. I know I can't depend on it, but I'm really, really hoping.

[Azul]

Chart-

I think your suspicion is probably correct, at least for a certain amount of people who experience FOO abuse. And I think it was probably the case in my little life.

There were events that occurred throughout my childhood that made my M and F even more unstable, dysfunctional and abusive; but there is also evidence that their bad parenting was there the whole time, as in from birth or even before birth in the womb.

And, I agree that it makes it harder to see and make sense of what happened, and to treat the effects of the trauma. (I like your metaphor of "boxing with an invisible adversary.")

I appreciate your advice of trying to go back as far as possible, to get as close as possible to the root. That's all we can do, and then just hope it can be enough to bring us to a type of clarity and healing.

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your insights even if they are an accounting of unfortunate, sad things. I always do better with good information and clarity of understanding, even when the subject matter is difficult or dark, so thank you.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Poor parenting doesn't start at ten or eleven, it's there right from the get-go.

Unrelatedly to the thread topic, I needed to hear this, thanks, Chart.

But regarding the thread: compounding trauma, absolutely. In a lot of cases I think it can be a cycle of problems - one problem that leads into another. For example, being mistreated before birth and being born with disabilities as a result, then dealing with FOO abuse because you're not "abled" enough for them, then dealing with relationship abuse because you just wanted to get away from your FOO... etc.

It is an unfortunate fact that those who are abused often continue to be abused by other external forces. It is one of the many miseries of CPTSD and its life-long grip. It is compounding within compounding - not just a compounded set of abuse from one source, but a compounded set of compounded sets from various sources.   

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Azul]

Aphotic-

(I tried to quote the way I see everyone else doing it. Not sure I did it right though.)

not just a compounded set of abuse from one source, but a compounded set of compounded sets from various sources.

This resonated with me. It may sound confusing, but it is accurate. And a lot of what explains my and others' experiences may sound confusing, exaggerated or hard to believe to people who haven't been through similar things. But that's the nature of toxic, abusive and manipulative things. They ARE confusing and shocking.

Thank you, Aphotic