I need help

[Chart]

 

[NarcKiddo]

Lessons I keep learning over and over alongside a cycle I keep repeating over and over. And yet there is steady improvement in my mental health.

The first sentence seems to encapsulate dealing with CPTSD. The second sentence is lovely to read; not just because there is improvement but because you are able to feel and acknowledge it.

I'm sorry you are being battered by triggers, but you are doing very well dealing with them. Keep on keeping on. You got this. 

[Lakelynn]

So I guess the moral of the story goes back to the old backbone of CPTSD treatment and also why Greece went so well...slow and steady. Don't bury it, don't ignore it, don't charge ahead too fast.

Bingo! Well said. This lesson took me, oh, maybe 15 years. But, hello! This summer I got it, acted on it and sailed right through a potential self-induced crisis with my D and her father.

Congrats on hanging in. It's quite a milestone. Obviously this says you are tenacious as heck, and determined to live a different way. Not to mention leaving a GREAT legacy and role model for your children. Wooo hoo Armee. 

[Saluki]

Hey Armee,

I've read through most of the messages here and am so glad you have recovered from the EF. I'm writing my thoughts before finishing reading the thread because otherwise I'll forget what I wanted to write! So apologies if not everything is relevant.

I've had a doctor using that language with me too- "psychosomatic" and it made me absolutely furious at the time. I thought they thought I was making the pain up in my head, and because I'd struggled with addiction to painkillers both to cope emotionally with flashbacks and with physical pain, I felt very judged - I thought I was being judged and treated like an irritating drug addict trying to get free drugs, just for fun. It was horrible. It felt dehumanising. I'm sorry you had a similar "diagnosis". Being further traumatized by incompetent or thoughtless "professionals" is horrible. Some of them can be so cold.

Have you read "The Body Keeps the Score"? I bought a copy after hearing the author on a podcast*. Listening to that was so validating. FINALLY I didn't feel like I was "making it up to get attention" (voices of my abusers):

I noticed you had similar doubts- thinking we are "making things up to get attention" is very typical in people who have been groomed by abusers- said by abusers in order to avoid being caught, so we are not believed if we tell. This is a very common grooming tactic.

*After hearing the podcast, Finally,I understood why I've been in so much physical pain ever since I can remember. Why the chronic insomnia, the nightmares that actually hurt physically. The muscle aches/cramps, the stomach/digestive problems etc. The chronic exhaustion/fatigue. It all made sense. I no longer think I'm "lazy" (another thing told to me by abusers).

The voices of our abusers become our inner doubting voices. We become our own gaslighters. I'm so grateful for this forum too! It's wonderful being able to come here for reassurance. To be heard, believed, understood, validated.

If there's one thing I keep noticing it's my own inner self gaslighter has been quieter since I reached out here which really is wonderful.

I am trying to read the book "The Body Keeps the Score",but for some reason it's been incredibly triggering. I think because the research they did involves people who were able to access excellent expert treatment for their trauma, which I have had a lot of problems accessing. I found myself breaking down in tears as I mourned the life I could have had, if only I'd had an early intervention. The pitfalls I could have avoided,had I been educated about grooming, CSA, narcissistic abuse. Had people not glorified "the mother". "But she's your mum! She loves you!" Had they not been afraid to"speak ill" of her. She was so incredibly cruel to me. Her abuse, gaslighting and DARVO made me a groomer's ideal candidate.

(No: she's not my mum- giving birth does not give anyone that title: being a mum does. She's a person with a womb who happened to give birth.)

Sorry I digress. That's unfortunately how my brain works... :-/

Then comes the self blame and doubting even the kind people who did help ("why didn't they push me for answers?"), because I was scared to tell them the truth, because I blamed myself for being abused. I didn't even know I'd suffered CSA. I thought it was my fault, so I lied to protect myself, thinking I would be punished (words of my abusers).

There's been so much more research done nowadays, but there's still a lot of judgement from some in the medical profession: I guess it's the same in any field - some people just aren't compassionate and probably shouldn't be working in a caring role.

As always, I'm going offon a tangent - sorry - spamgled mind!

What I wondered, reading your i initial post, was whether you have been gaslit about the abuse you are referring to by the abuser - I think all (most) abusers gaslight their victims, which in itself is designed to cause self doubt. Then we can often end up gaslighting ourselves, which is the purpose of the gaslighting - to get away with abusing someone - if we dont trust our own memory, they're more likely to evade justice.

I went through an absolutely horrendous EF thanks to my so-called best friend being contacted by my abusive ex and passing on a disgusting message from him - and during the process of going through all the years of "friendship" with her, completely losing trust in her, I came to the conclusion that she had never believed he had abused me. The self doubt that caused (how did I not notice she wasn't a real friend?) threw me into a really really bad PTSD relapse - doubting my own judgement to the point that how can I even trust my own experiences if I thought she was the kindest person I'd ever met,then maybe I was just a rotten person who deserved to suffer, was being punished in some karmic horror.

So in conclusion - I completely believe you. The way you described the abuse reminded me of a flashback I was having - which I actually managed to get rid of by telling it to my partner. Saying it out loud somehow broke its loop, it's ability to play back in my head as though I was re-experiencing it. It doesn't scare me any more in the same uncontrollable way. And I hope yours won't either.

 

[Saluki]

Quote from Blueberry: "Armee, you are not an attention-seeker or wrong or ... anything of those nasty things that I'm not going to write out for you to read again!! You're not disgusting either, but you feeling that way also tells me your account is true. It's a feeling I have too, especially round my own CSA stuff. Ditto the shame. Man, disgust and shame, that's what the abusers should feel, not us. Grrr."

Yes!

Disgust and shame don't belong to us, but to the abusers. Absolutely.

(I've not figured out how to use the quote feature yet!)