Before it's too late

[blueteddy]

Last night was just as bad. I barely slept. I was sweating all night, waking up over and over, drenched in sweat, and the fan wasn't even pointed in my direction. It was aimed at my third brother and my mom, as usual. I kept having nightmares, and every time I managed to fall back asleep, it was only to wake up again, just as miserable. My third brother didn't help either—he was in and out of the room, making noise, getting ready for work. I feel like I haven't had any real rest in forever.

I'm just so tired. I don't have any strength left. I haven't been able to reach out to any organizations or get the help I need because I'm being pulled in so many directions. I'm being abused too much to function, and no one is stepping up for me. I don't have a family to give me strength, no children to give me strength. I know you're not supposed to rely on children for emotional support, but still, they give people strength. I've seen it with V—their family, their children, their chosen family—they all give them the strength to keep going.

But me? No one is there for me. No one, except my chosen family, Ian, but he's barely around because he's busy and we're in different time zones. Sometimes Brian helps, but he's not around much either. No one is giving me the support I need. No one sees how much pain I'm in, how close I am to completely giving up. It feels like I'm hanging on by a thread, screaming for help, and no one is listening. I'm so tired of asking, so tired of crying, so tired of being ignored. I wish someone would step in before it's too late.

Today was another day of fighting. Fighting just to survive, just to be seen, just to be heard in a world that's been relentlessly cruel to me. I shouldn't have to fight this hard, not for something as simple as care, or love, or even the basic human right to feel safe. But here I am, exhausted, and forced into a life where strength is seen as a virtue when it was never my choice. Strength, to me, is just survival because there's no one to turn to.

I've been battling in a war that no one sees—a war fought in the shadows, where the abuse and neglect have worn me down day by day. People don't understand what it's like to be in my shoes. They don't see the countless times I've been abandoned, the times I was literally dying and no one came to help. They don't understand how it feels to be pushed to the edge by the very people who were supposed to protect me—my family, healthcare professionals, even those who claimed to love me. It's beyond heartbreaking.

Today, I'm overwhelmed by it all. I imagine myself in a hospital bed, alone, like my final days will be spent in the same solitude that has been my constant companion. I imagine saying my last goodbyes to Ian, to V—if they're even fronting—and just fading away, because it feels like no help is ever going to come. I'm not suicidal over something trivial; I'm tired of being stretched beyond my limits with no hope in sight. I don't want to die yet, but the way things are going, I can see it creeping closer, and that terrifies me.

People, like V, who were supposed to understand, never really did. They told me I had to have it in me to save myself, but they don't understand that you can only carry so much alone. Everyone around me has had some sort of support, whether from family, friends, doctors, therapists, even the government. But me? Nothing. No one. I've been neglected, abandoned, abused—even by the healthcare system—and all while people kept telling me to be strong.

My strength isn't something I want to be praised for. It's something I've been forced into because no one was there for me. I've been pushed to fight alone for too long, and it's not something I can keep doing. It's not about being weak or giving up—it's about the fact that no one should have to go through this much pain and be expected to keep going without someone stepping in to help.

I think about my partnership with V, how I was always waiting in the shadows, prioritizing them while being neglected. I thought I deserved that, but I didn't. I know that now, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. Every day, I'm still triggered by reminders of our painful relationship, and it makes me feel even more alone. I deserve better than that. I deserve better than the life I've been given.

My alters are here, but they can't give me all the support I need, not without professional help. And most of the time, I can't even connect with them the way I need to. It's hard, and it makes me feel even more isolated. I'm not asking for the impossible. I'm asking for the basic human decency that everyone else seems to get without question. But for me, it feels like the world has just turned its back.

I'm tired. Tired of being strong, tired of carrying this burden alone. And no one should have to be this strong for this long. I deserve relief. I deserve love and care before it's too late. I've endured more than anyone should ever have to handle, and I deserve better than the extreme abuse, neglect, abandonment, invalidation, manipulation and misunderstanding I face every single day.

[Armee]

I hope you are able to find help, BlueTeddy. If hospitalization is an option I hope you will consider that for help though I don't know what things are like in your country.  There's no true shame in getting professional help even if your family makes you feel that way. 

[Chart]

Blueteddy, It sounds like you can only rely on one person... yourself. At some point it is ultimately your job regarding finding a solution to your situation. But you can only, apparently, count on yourself. This is not a question of either Choice or Courage. It is a simple fact of reality. If no one is coming to save you, then you must find the solution yourself.

This is horrible, but reality is reality.

Here, on the Forum, we can exchange, suggest, encourage, and support... but not much else. Already, this support shows that people care. We can care, but be unable to DO very little. Does this mean there is no love at all?

There is Love. But it has to be found. You found this Forum. I am part of a group who does care. I promise you, there are others. Please don't give up. Take what little energy you have and go someplace. A library, a café, a place that might have information. Keep trying. Don't give up. Find one thing each day that is beautiful. Look for it. Don't let the sun set without seeing a beautiful thing, even if it is the sadness in your enormous heart.

Sending love and support.

[blueteddy]

I hope you are able to find help, BlueTeddy. If hospitalization is an option I hope you will consider that for help though I don't know what things are like in your country.  There's no true shame in getting professional help even if your family makes you feel that way. 

Thank you for your kind words. Unfortunately, hospitalization and healthcare in my country have been a source of deep trauma for me. I've tried reaching out to the healthcare system for help, but it's been filled with malpractice, neglect, and abuse. My recent experience during a wisdom tooth surgery left me further traumatized because the doctors ignored my pain and concerns, and it felt like no one in healthcare cared about my well-being.

I've also tried talking to medical professionals about the abuse I've been experiencing, but no one listens or takes me seriously. Instead, they treat me like I'm just another patient, another number. I've been invalidated, and my concerns have been dismissed repeatedly. So for me, healthcare isn't a place of safety or healing—it's another source of pain.

I have SLE since 12 years ago, they don't even want to provide help or care for me because i dont have money to pay the several expensive tests (i have done all kind of tests before but they kept asking for more to convince themselves i truly have SLE), so they just left me to die here literally. Recently i came back to several hospital i attended to ask for copy of medical history and i ended up being abused and scolded for no reason.

[blueteddy]

Blueteddy, It sounds like you can only rely on one person... yourself. At some point it is ultimately your job regarding finding a solution to your situation. But you can only, apparently, count on yourself. This is not a question of either Choice or Courage. It is a simple fact of reality. If no one is coming to save you, then you must find the solution yourself.

This is horrible, but reality is reality.

Here, on the Forum, we can exchange, suggest, encourage, and support... but not much else. Already, this support shows that people care. We can care, but be unable to DO very little. Does this mean there is no love at all?

There is Love. But it has to be found. You found this Forum. I am part of a group who does care. I promise you, there are others. Please don't give up. Take what little energy you have and go someplace. A library, a café, a place that might have information. Keep trying. Don't give up. Find one thing each day that is beautiful. Look for it. Don't let the sun set without seeing a beautiful thing, even if it is the sadness in your enormous heart.

Sending love and support.

I appreciate the support and the reminder not to give up, but the reality in my country is incredibly harsh. I live in Indonesia, where there are no reliable places to find the kind of information or support I need. There aren't resources like shelters, mental health support groups, or even healthcare that truly listens and helps. The system here is so broken, and corruption runs deep, so even when I try to reach out for help, I'm left with nothing.

It's not that I don't want to rely on myself, but I'm severely chronically ill and untreated. My illnesses are taking a huge toll on me, both physically and mentally, and I'm unable to access the healthcare and support that could help me get better. When you're in as much pain as I am, fighting through severe chronic illness without treatment or care, it becomes impossible to save yourself. I can barely survive day to day, let alone find a solution all on my own.

I'm trying to hold on, but without proper medical care or a real support system, it feels like I'm being asked to perform miracles. I'm not giving up, but it's hard to stay hopeful in a place that offers no help, no compassion, and no relief. Thank you for caring, though—it means more than you know.

Just a heads up - Based on my research, NGOs in Indonesia, and governmental bodies like the Indonesian Commission for the Protection of Children, often have significant flaws in their ability to support abuse victims. Systemic issues include limited resources, poor training, and inadequate responses to victims. My personal experiences, such as dismissive interactions wand unqualified staf with the only NGOs that help victim of abuse in Indonesia, have only added to my distrust in these organizations. Local authorities like the police often fail to provide real help, leaving victims like me feeling abandoned.

I've also tried contacting international organizations like UNHCR Indonesia and UN Women Asia and Pacific, but despite multiple emails and calls since July 2024, I've received no replies. The UNHCR Indonesia hotline is unreachable, and when I contacted other UN offices, my calls were hung up on when I spoke in English.

In desperation, I've reached out to over 100 organizations, both locally and internationally, seeking refuge or asylum. Unfortunately, none of my efforts have led to meaningful support. My untreated chronic illnesses now prevent me from applying for any work or scholarship programs. I'm trapped in this cycle of abuse with no one to turn to, I'm struggling to find immediate help locally, as I can't trust anyone, including officials.