Family fail? (TW domestic assault)

[DrPhipps]

It's hard to properly detail this without giving too much away. I am venting, but I'm also not sure if I should stay in this relationship. I have a significant amount of time and financial, I'd say losses at this point. If I leave, I have my clothes and not much else to my name.

I will background some facts. I am sober, I'm very relaxed, I simply walk away and hide, I don't rage or raise my voice, I am not physical.

My wife was in a very bad relationship and has trauma related to that. She is resistant to counseling. I only trigger her if we are fighting. More on this later.

My stepdaughter is an SA victim and has multiple diagnosis. She is in therapy.

Everything was great until COVID lockdowns. It was only then I lost my last bit of freedom and escape; personal time. It was only a few weeks until I broke down. For the first time I told someone what I went through. She said I needed to get counseling or leave. I have been in therapy since.

Working with therapists and trying to educate my family over the years, things are only getting worse. I am on my 4th therapist at the request of my wife because I am not healed yet. She thinks they are all quacks. It seems the more I reveal to my family, the better they get at exploiting my condition and they can bring me to tears in seconds.

This one said I need to be doing all the same things the others have said. She is taking a slightly different approach but it is the same stuff. Personal time is still not allowed. Any mention of it is a huge argument with no resolution. Other than my family treating me like a human, personal time is the most important thing I need. Some days it is like she wants to learn and help. But then again, she will put me in situations or do things that she knows are my top triggers. And I don't have many of them so it's not like she forgot.

Now if I try to bring this up, I'm told it never happened. Or that something very similar happened but the triggering event didn't take place. I have disproved this with audio recordings just to test my own sanity. She also does this in chat where it is logged. Oddly we have a rule where we can't reference past things, but this only applies to me, as she will go back years to before we were even dating, sometimes even before we met using "stories" from "interviews" of friends to make me look bad. I think my friends would have reached out to me on that last one and her info is spotty and incorrect anyway.

I can go on, but many weeks ago there was very traumatic encounter with my stepdaughter where she assaulted me and caused quite a bit of property and goods damage. It took me a bit under a month to heal. Two weeks after that I was assaulted three more times in one week. All I can say is that I did nothing to provoke or create these situations. They all started with a lie and I simply stood my ground and professed my innocence. And these are very minor things such as; I did not touch the scissors, I turned off the TV this morning, I put the cat treats back in the cabinet.

She did not get in trouble for any of this. Her excuse to me is that she was defending her mom. This makes no sense as her lying does not constitute any need to defend her mother. But anyway due to all this and the tension it caused and how absent I had been, this did not help anything at all.

Given these events and my already fragile state, I have been extra sensitive. Almost daily the trigger that is related to what I just detailed is happening. I go to my wife and let her know I'm upset but we end up fighting. I try to explain whatever just happened is traumatic due to recent events and that I'm not asking for change (because this alone would usually not bother me) I just need reassurance and to know I'm safe and nobody is mad.

And that alone probably won't work anymore because after the first assault she said the cops would be called and charges would be filed if she does that again. And before the last assault I told her I do not feel safe and I have a feeling I will be assaulted again, I was assured nothing would happen and they talked already, but two hours later my head is split open with her standing an arms reach away doing absolutely nothing.

Now when I fight with my wife, it is very stupid. It will start with something like what are we doing for dinner or I'll be having an attack and she will start yelling at me. In person I usually go nonverbal so most fights are over text. So in text I'll stand my ground because I've done nothing and for hours I'll ask what did I do, why is it ok to scream at a trauma victim, especially when they are having a flashback, one that you seemingly intentionally gave them? I don't exactly say this, but you get the idea. I'll also just beg to not fight and remind her I've done nothing, this is highly ineffective though.

At the end of the day it is my fault for having a trauma response and I've acted improperly, ruined the day, night, weekend, whatever it is. There should be no conflict at all to begin with. This always starts with things that don't need answers, it's beef or chicken (who cares, pick something), not some "random" woman telling me she had a good time last night. That needs an answer and that wouldn't freak me out because I'm actually guilty and I'd be a man and say, yes I'm having an affair - for example.

I saw another post titled something like 2 steps forward, 100 steps back. This is how I've felt for years. I've never said anything like this but my wife said something similar the other day. We actually had a good day, but the next day was horrible thanks to my stepdaughter making a comment about some Minority Report type garbage over something I didn't even care about and this is the trigger that has been bothering me. My wife also denied anything was said. Like today I am too exhausted to even engage.

Yesterday I told her her feelings are valid but I did nothing wrong and I'm very tired of this happening. 14 hours later she does it to me and ruins my day. Another day I'm not spending any time with my family, pets, locked away crying, scared to come out and use the restroom, can't eat, can't work, can't sleep.

She keeps saying she wants to learn and I've sent her some stuff but she quickly came back and said that this is stuff that I wrote. And it was, because out of everything I'm seeing online, it's so basic or too broad and talks about too many other things and people raging or sleeping around and that is not me at all. She's not going to take anything seriously unless it's from like WebMD, a site like this or a blog isn't good enough. But to me that's just an excuse to further invalidate all of this, that is something I didn't mention.

[Kizzie]

Welcome to OOTS, sorry to hear you are dealing with what sounds like a very traumatizing family environment. You did say you are going to therapy, but IMO it sounds like it's the whole family needs to go together to see if you can work things out. Otherwise you will likely keep going around and around in the same way, because all three of you have a history of trauma.

In the meantime, you say you can't have personal time anymore but that's only the case if you accept that as a rule.  You can simply take personal time if you choose because in reality you are free as a human being to do so. I guess you have to weigh the cost of doing so against the cost of not doing so. Having some space may be worth it.

[Chart]

DrPhipps, what you've described  sounds extremely chaotic. I don't believe it's possible to think very clearly in situations that are violent and toxic. But to start making changes, a certain amount of calm and rational thought is necessary. Can you find someone or someplace where you can get some help? It strikes me as extremely important. Finding a small space of safety from where you can perhaps start to make some changes...
I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
Sending support and hugs if that's ok...