Post break up. Idk how to go on

[blueteddy]

Context: I ended my partnership with my partner 9 days ago. Their name is V. I called them "Daddy" because our partnership is very deep more than romantic but it was deep platonical love where they also took care of me. In the day of our break up. We say to each other we will still stay in each other's lives because we still care so very much to each other. And they said they will still love me and they will always love me platonically. They have DID. They have not been fronting ever since the day of our break up. Monster alters (other alters refer to them this way) are fronting now. The monster alter didn't want to talk to me because they know i crave attention and connection and they said they are not a being to provide that. The monster alter is self destructive. They called themselves rude and stubborn. They said mean things to me. The monster alter removed me from all of V's social media.

I kept waking up and went back to sleep the past 9 days. I couldn't sleep properly because of mosquitoes and my mom made too much noise as usual to wake up my abusive brothers to go to work. I had several nightmares; it's all so scary and affects me negatively, but I can't remember what they were about. My head hurts.

I immediately went to the bathroom when I woke up and kept thinking about V (my former partner) and my scary, unknown future. I just want them back. I'm scared. I feel powerless and lost. I'm just a kid; why does everything have to be so hard and painful for me.

The future is so uncertain and unknown. I'm so scared. I don't want to be alone and I don't want to be without daddy anymore.

This is killing me, it's too much for me. I'm hurting a lot. I just want daddy back and be with me again. Huuuweeeee T^T

i want V back... i want us to be together again.. i have grown and thought a lot after our break up.. i know what we both could do better.. we can make it work.. oh god this is killing me idk what to do i wanna be impulsive and get my answer now.. i am so isolated.

Every little thing reminds me of daddy. And it hurts. So bad. Everything hurts. fow me it takes yeaws.., To have those things slowly goes away and not weminded by those things every single time by every little thing.
I feel trapped and isolated. This is killing me. All this pain. Whenever i close my eyes i see horrible things. I kept dissociating and fell in and out of sleep with nightmares and thoughts thar are killing me. I am dying and i am scared.
I feel so anxious. So panic. idk what to do. I want my daddy back. This is killing me. This is all killing me too much.
My head hurts so bad again omg i have been in and out of sleep all day long again because i am lacking sleep. I napped and had nightmares about my nephew and me being abused by my whole family including my relatives and my abusive older sister which is her mother threaten to slap the * out of me when we come home from a trip (in the nightmare we were in a mall for my abusive cousin's birthday and me and my nephew are hanging out and i taking care of him and accompany and i fell asleep a bit in the nightmare and was at home in the nightmare with my abusive siblings, mom and dad. Omg i am dying. This is too much. Too painful. In the nightmare i was so scared. My cousin and the whole family are whispering ans then all of them kept excluding me leaving out and ignoring me and treating me as if i am a stranger. I feel so alone. This is so difficult omg.

I tried to name things around my room to ground myself to the present. i have adhd so its hard. and i kept dissociating too all the time since its one of my main coping mechanism. my life feels just automatic going through day by day with significant too much weight of burden and pain to carry. i want to leave this * house called a home now. i want to be in canada. i want to live with daddy be with daddy. i am so anxious so panic i feel like my skins are being peeled and none of the organization or person i contacted with reached back saying they can help me.. omg.. this is killing me.. i am scared i will never get out of here and die as nobody and be forgotten.. i just wanna be free.. okay.. safe.. happy.. i just wanna be the kiddo i am i don't belong to all these hard unimaginable work..

i wanna get out of home but it looks like it will rain soon.. i wanna go for a walk... even though i will dissociate and think about pain and the past with V and unknown scary future.. the uncertain present where i have to wait for everything and feeling stuck. the present simply too painful.

I am so scared. I am too scared. I feel too lost and too powerless. I feel too unable to move forward. I want to get out of here. This is way too much to carry for anybody. I feel stuck in a deep dark tunnel with no light at the end. The waiting and the uncertainty is killing me. Not just about my former partner but also about my escape plan and refugee thingy. I am very isolated in Indonesia i really have no one.
Guys i am so so scared i am not gonna make it. I really don't know what to do oh my god. I feel like i am drowning everyday in a deep sea despite not being able to swim, i kept reaching my hand to the sky trying to save myself and breathe. Oh my god oh my god please let me be a kid oh my god oh my god take all this pain and burden away from me. Angels please take me oh my god oh my god anybody listen to me oh my god.