conflict and frustation with self intimacy

[blueteddy]

Today has been really hard. I'm struggling a lot with my feelings around self-intimacy. It used to be something that was so complicated, painful and confusing for me until my former partner and I started our partnership. Together, we helped heal each other, and things got better in that area. But now that we're no longer together, everything feels worse, like it's all fallen apart again back to square 1 and perhaps even worse than before.

I've been feeling sexually frustrated and emotionally conflicted. The only healthy and safe way I knew to approach self-intimacy was imagining myself with my former partner, revisiting our past chats and voice messages where we talked about intimacy. We had such deep, personal plans—intimacy that felt safe, calm, and protected. We didn't even have physical intimacy, but we discussed it, and it was important and meaningful for us both. I think about the safety we created for each other, how much we planned, and how we were both scared of touch, scared of intimacy because of our pasts. But we had faith that we'd figure it out together.

Now, I feel lost. The idea of trying to find other ways to relieve myself feels impossible. I've tried other media, roleplays, and things, but nothing feels safe or aligned with my morals and beliefs. Harmful media (example: adult videos and adult books/comics) only makes me feel worse, it reminded me of all the horrible things my brain tried to repressed ever since i was a kid. All those nasty and vile things people did to me my whole childhood to adulthood. And a significant memory that is so repressed that perhaps only my non-verbal alter holds that unbearable memory. It's like I'm trapped between needing an outlet for this frustration and knowing that the only healthy, safe outlet I ever knew was with my former partner.

It hurts to think about going back through our old conversations because there's so much pain in them too. There's too much that brings up sadness and loss, and I feel like I can't win. It feels wrong to imagine us like that when we're no longer together. It feels like I'm taking advantage of my former partner, even though I know I'm not. But I can't bring myself to do it, and I'm left feeling more repressed and frustrated.

I know it's almost impossible for me to create a safe space for myself right now. My mind is too full of trauma and abuse, and I'm constantly surrounded by the pain of everything happening at home. It's like my mind is too dark, too heavy to even feel that safety again like I did with my former partner. The safety they gave me wasn't enough, but it was still something. It gave me a sense of comfort and healing, even if it didn't fully meet the extent of the safety I needed. Now that they're not here, everything feels broken, and I can't find a way to recreate that feeling on my own.

Now, I feel like I'm stuck with all the harmful ways of coping, and it's crushing me. I don't know how to do this on my own. I wish I had someone who could guide me, someone I could trust. Someone who could provide similar safety but not through intimacy. But I'm scared, and I don't think I can trust anyone with something so personal and deep. It feels like I'm fighting this battle alone, and I don't know how to win.

Today has been really hard. I'm struggling a lot with my feelings around self-intimacy. It used to be something that was so complicated, painful and confusing for me until my former partner and I started our partnership. Together, we helped heal each other, and things got better in that area. But now that we're no longer together, everything feels worse, like it's all fallen apart again back to square 1 and perhaps even worse than before.

I've been feeling sexually frustrated and emotionally conflicted. The only healthy and safe way I knew to approach self-intimacy was imagining myself with my former partner, revisiting our past chats and voice messages where we talked about intimacy. We had such deep, personal plans—intimacy that felt safe, calm, and protected. We didn't even have physical intimacy, but we discussed it, and it was important and meaningful for us both. I think about the safety we created for each other, how much we planned, and how we were both scared of touch, scared of intimacy because of our pasts. But we had faith that we'd figure it out together.

Now, I feel lost. The idea of trying to find other ways to relieve myself feels impossible. I've tried other media, roleplays, and things, but nothing feels safe or aligned with my morals and beliefs. Harmful media (example: adult videos and adult books/comics) only makes me feel worse, it reminded me of all the horrible things my brain tried to repressed ever since i was a kid. All those nasty and vile things people did to me my whole childhood to adulthood. And a significant memory that is so repressed that perhaps only my non-verbal alter holds that unbearable memory. It's like I'm trapped between needing an outlet for this frustration and knowing that the only healthy, safe outlet I ever knew was with my former partner.

It hurts to think about going back through our old conversations because there's so much pain in them too. There's too much that brings up sadness and loss, and I feel like I can't win. It feels wrong to imagine us like that when we're no longer together. It feels like I'm taking advantage of my former partner, even though I know I'm not. But I can't bring myself to do it, and I'm left feeling more repressed and frustrated.

I know it's almost impossible for me to create a safe space for myself right now. My mind is too full of trauma and abuse, and I'm constantly surrounded by the pain of everything happening at home. It's like my mind is too dark, too heavy to even feel that safety again like I did with my former partner. The safety they gave me wasn't enough, but it was still something. It gave me a sense of comfort and healing, even if it didn't fully meet the extent of the safety I needed. Now that they're not here, everything feels broken, and I can't find a way to recreate that feeling on my own.

Now, I feel like I'm stuck with all the harmful ways of coping, and it's crushing me. I don't know how to do this on my own. I wish I had someone who could guide me, someone I could trust. Someone who could provide similar safety but not through intimacy. But I'm scared, and I don't think I can trust anyone with something so personal and deep. It feels like I'm fighting this battle alone, and I don't know how to win.

Eventually i performed self-intimacy while looking back on my past chat history and voice messages with my former partner. I was relieved to find some release, but it came with a heavy weight of guilt and confusion. Even though I felt physically better afterward, I couldn't shake the feeling of being dirty or wrong for wanting this relief when my former partner is no longer my partner.

Going through our conversations brought up painful memories, and it felt like I was wading through a lot of hurt just to find moments of intimacy we shared. I tried not to focus on the overwhelming painful memories, but it lingered, making me feel like I had to punish myself somehow. I kept clenching my jaw, my body tense, even as I tried to let go and fell asleep afterwards, while still clenching my jaw and biting my teeth and tongue during my sleep that i woke up in horrible body ache and tension.

I felt like a sinner, grappling with shame and the need for relief.

It's hard not to feel like a bad person for wanting to revisit those moments. I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but the internal conflict is overwhelming. I wish I could find a way to embrace my feelings without judgment. This is all just feel wrong.

I love the safety in our past conversation when it comes about intimacy, but i saw a lot of my past chats with them where i am holding myself back so much and not telling them i want to continue conversation or when they change the topic and made me turned off. It hurts to see me did that, prioritizing them above me again. It kills me. There are so many other triggering past painful memories in our past chat history. So much of me saying "its okay" when deeply i want to say "stop." "thats not okay" "don't leave me" "don't go" "i am not ok" and asked for my needs to be fullfilled. I was so scared.

[Armee]

I think it's super common to feel so much internal conflict around all these things you mentioned, especially when there is a history of sexual trauma and the dissociative symptoms that result from complex severe trauma. It won't get better fast, but slowly it might.