My Sister

[Blue_Jays]

When you were born I was excited to have another girl around. I thought we were going to be friends and have a great life. Trying on dresses, watching movies, going on adventures. I did not understand the game we were playing in the house and how it started the day you were conceived. I was only a child, after all.

I can see now what your existence meant.

I was the unwanted and fatherless child, meant to be unloved and unseen. Your father hated me, and he came into the family pretending to love me. But he loved the idea, and the idea of a loving family (wife and kids). Just as our mom loved the idea. But loving the idea of something does not mean you will get what you want automatically. These things take a lot of work. He was so resistant to my presence once you were there, like I was a mistake and the reason he was always angry. But he was just broken in his own way.

We were pitted against each other our whole lives. You were taught to treat me the same way he treated me. You were taught that anything that was mine was yours, that if you screamed loud enough the blame would always fall onto me- even if you did it they would never believe me. You could harm me, disrespect me, belittle me, because that was the standard.

You were so young, you had no idea, and neither did I. You loved me, as my abuse began to show and I began to withdraw. You wrote me letters when you were 4 about your love for me, bought me cute gifts as you got a bit older- but I was already shattered. I remember you crying, wondering why I hated you. Wondering how you could make it better. I hated you for so long, because you were wanted and I was not. You were loved, and I was not. They always thought you were amazing, even when you were not.

I couldn't love you, or care about you. I didn't have the opportunity to be the older sister you needed or wanted, at least fully. I am so angry about what has been stolen from us. Our relationship did not stand a chance. Even before you started to hate me in return, you witnessed my abuse over and over and over again. You witnessed how I was being treated. You tried to protect me with your screams, while I was trying to protect you by being the target.

We didn't stand a chance. And it breaks my heart that two adults brought us into the world, just to hate one another. You learnt so many terrible traits, and you inherited a handful of other ones. You have become a monster like no other.

We no longer speak. We have come to an unspoken agreement that we are not going to have any kind of relationship. But it is your pain that pushed me away. You hurt me, you insulted me, lied to me, manipulated me, and put my life in jeopardy. Now I don't even want to hear about how you are doing, because you are just as broken as your father was(if not more). I ask about you to make sure you haven't vanished, but everything beyond that is not necessary.

We may be different, with different fathers, but there was no reason for any of this. We should be sisters, we should care about each other.

People air their opinions about our current relationship. About how you have changed, how you are doing really well. But I feel sick at the idea of inviting you into my life. I cannot imagine how we can mend this, and I am not sure I want to. But I do wish you well, in the way that I hope you find professional support and help.

Time will tell.