Healing or Holding On?

[Dark.art.girl]

San,
I hope I didn't offend you when I said that. I'm so sorry about your circumstances with D1, I'm sure that's been very painful. Thank you for your thoughts and love, I'm sending some your way, too. Yes, it does touches every aspect of our life.

Last night I got into a tiff with my father than escalated because I got triggered by something he said. He mentioned something about me moving in anger which put me in an EF for sure. There were many times in my life that I had no control over where I lived or where I felt safe. That instability left me freaking out in this instance. Anyway, I ended up coming up with a solution to share my feelings with him--it's usually very difficult. I'm pretty proud of this!

I'm more of a writer and feel safe in writing to him than speaking (seems juvenile to me but it is what it is). So, I wrote it all out and read it to him. I sobbed through the whole thing but I felt a lot of relief after and I got to apologize for my frigidness. We had a good conversation and shared some hugs that I felt comfortable with because it broke the wall down. At least for now. I admitted how I beat myself up mentally for shutting myself off to him and how badly I wish I could be authentic with him the way I am with others. But he sees why I struggle with these things and sees past them, which I also expressed gratitude for. I am really grateful. I don't want to push him or my boyfriend away when they're all I have.

Does anyone else feel like once they release their big feelings this way things seem normal, but after awhile, feelings accumulate and build up under the surface again? I'm starting to recognize a pattern here and I remember this being a problem when I was younger, too. I wish I could explain why I'm doing it but I can't think that deeply right now. lol

[sanmagic7]

D.A.G., no, i wasn't offended.  we don't often hear of a child being the NPD and making life miserable for the parent.  i know she's spread stories about me to many friends, some of whom i've actually met and we got along well, some who wanted to do me bodily harm cuz of what they believed i'd done to her.  so, the belief is already out there that i'm the bad guy, and there's nothing i can do about it except try not to think about it.  ugh!

so very glad you and your F were able to have some time to be 'together'.  i didn't think the writing thing was childish, especially - i thought it was a creative way to keep yourself safe.  i often feel safer by writing cuz i can't always think clearly in the moment, so i get it.

actually, i have felt that way, a big release, then an accumulation again.  if i recall correctly, for me it was often because there was some deeper issue going on that i hadn't touched/looked at yet.  it was like i was able to recognize some surface stuff, deal w/ it, but then the core stuff would rear its head again, maybe w/ the same person/incident/situation or another. i think it's the onion peeling dynamic - we get one layer off, then eventually discover there's another layer to be dealt with.  i can go for a while before another layer makes itself known.  i believe i'm between layers right now.

i hope you can discover your pattern and that it makes sense for you.  love and hugs (and thanks for the love back)

[Dark.art.girl]

San, I think we're all in between layers in a way. Thanks for your response again, your insight is always appreciated.

I just realized today how hard I've disassociated this past month. A lot of big assignments were due for one of my classes today. It dawned on me last night how badly I had lost touch with reality when I realized how I didn't put my full effort into these tasks the way I usually do--enthusiastically, too. I spaced on two of them and the rest were incomplete or just minimum effort.. I hold myself to a high standard so I had to fix a lot of it today. I did manage to prepare myself for a few of them very well, considering. But still--wow.

A visit with my partner really snapped me out of it this last weekend though in some ways. The glumness is subsiding for now! He made me smile and laugh quite a lot which I needed. That's a win.

I still find myself, however, constantly looking for ways to escape my mind. Like I daydream about playing video games for comfort and distraction very often. I'm starting to notice an uptick in that behavior when things get tough. Funny thing is, I never actually end up playing them. I watch YouTube during my daily tasks, occupying my thoughts with the lives and problems of other individuals or the conflicts of the world. Just an observation. I wish I'd stop doing that.

I hope everyone is doing ok. Christmas is around the corner and a lot of people are dreading it--more importantly, I hope everyone is staying safe. Love, always. x