Hello

[RaidahO07]

Hello everyone. I chose to go by the name Raidah (Ray Dah) online to protect my identity (and help me feel a little more disconnected from the abusive family and husband). Thank you for taking your time to read my post. I'm 32, female, and I'm here for a few reasons.

So, I'm here after seeing a video by crappy childhood fairy on Youtube about how us with CPTSD will eventually need to like ourselves and eventually have people in our lives to be healthy...I was shocked by her message because I didn't recognize that I didn't like myself. Even as I write this, I have to remind myself to be genuine since I'm so accustomed to acting like what I thought my abusers wanted me to be...

My problems stem from being raised by an abusive father who had money, worked in the courts, and was able to keep people in his pocket, assisting in keeping me the family scapegoat. My mother, although she was abused by him and showed sweetness to me many times, unfortunately believed I was born a flawed woman and anything dad gets mad at, will always be my fault. Because "you're a girl and you must learn how to be in this house with him" was the sentence I could never get out of my head from her. Because she knew he would only abuse women, she would plans days to enjoy with my brothers and make me stay with my dad - knowing he was going to get all of his anger out of me and she'll have a break. She would even go as far as to send my brothers to Puerto Rico (I'm of hispanic background) for the summer while keeping me because I'm a girl and couldn't go. - I must add that, I believe she went through a period of psychosis WITH him for a year, during my late 20s. 

My insurance got cut and I couldn't get my meds. Not having my medication (SSRI) made me spiral and quickly came the rage, the overthinking, the flashbacks, etc. It's been draining but it has also showed me how, being on meds has had a slight influence on allowing my abusers to remain in contact. Being medicated has helped me tremendously since understanding, even by professionals, has been hard to come by so, with medication, the isolation is a bit more bearable. If my insurance didn't get cut, maybe I wouldn't have recognized how much I was accepting isolation again...

I experienced my first "round" of losing touch with reality recently.  Coming out of the shower, I couldn't tell what time it may have been and I was in conversation with someone, venting and explaining the unfair things I've endured, but I just couldn't get out of it (or like "snap out of it"). My abusive husband was home and I had no choice but to explain what was happening.  Unfortunately, he too believes anything I feel is just because I'm a childish woman who needs to understand he's the prize.....

So...thats where I'm at. I think severe isolation, manipulation, triangulation and constantly being "set up" by these family members (they have even hacked my social medias) has officially taken a toll on my mind and since so many people have "joined" the flying monkeys, I think my health is just declining quickly. A huge part of me doesn't want to get help because I've been dismissed by professionals so many times, that I just don't even know what to say. What even comes after losing touch with reality?..

Thank you for reading my post.

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum, Raidah

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome, Raidah. I wish you well as you continue to try to figure this out and deal with it. I have found everybody on this forum to be helpful and caring - I hope you do, too.

[Kizzie]

Hi Raidah and a warm welcome to OOTS. 

I'm truly sorry for what you've been through and are still struggling with, but I'm very glad you found this safe community of survivors. Getting yourself to us is a positive move towards recovery so bravo to you!   

[Papa Coco]

Raidah007,

I'm captivated by your introduction. I'm sorry for all you've been through.

I remember when I first learned of CPTSD, it took me a while to accept that I had it because I had just never known that love could be better and fairer than it had been in my family. I thought I knew what love was until I learned about how gaslighting a child is meant to make us believe love is fear.

I went full No Contact with my family because they used to do the same things to me that you write about here. Hacking email, starting smear campaigns when they didn't get what they wanted from me... I thought that's what family was. I thought that's what love was. Then, at age 50, I learned differently. I saw their manipulations and realized I had no actual love for any of them. Just fear. Like you, I've spent my life being who I thought my handlers wanted me to be. A chameleon. A people-pleaser. Unable to even think about what I want in life. I was the least important person on earth until I walked away from my Family of Origin (FOO) and all their manipulations and smear campaigns.

I feel safe to say that there are people on this forum who have experienced everything I can bring up, and when I write something, more than one person will resonate with what I wrote. It's good to know there are people who get it. People who understand the loneliness and helplessness of living life after having been raised to be a gaslit servant/scapegoat.

I hope you can continue to find your way into available treatments that help, and that you find some comfort and friendship on this forum. I've been a member for 3 years and it's been helpful for me to know that others feel things similarly to how I do.

It sort of proves that we humans are stronger together,

Welcome