My report of my personal MDMA and Ketamine Experiences

[Desert Flower]

That's great Chart, thank you, I'll try in French un petit peu.
I'm in that place at the moment, very nice, very grounded, hopefully I can stay a while.

The first time in my life I consciously felt this was at Koyasan mountain in Japan. They have this enormous graveyard and cider trees reaching up into the heavens it seems and fog and moss and there was this temple where they had thousands of lantarns hanging. A lantern for every deceased person. And it was there that I felt I was not alone, I was connected to all of it, and there was a place there for my (deceased) dad and a place for me too. Up to that time, I had always felt there was a hole in me that could not be filled, that was just bottomless, but there I felt: There is no hole, there is a Whole. And 'I' (whatever that is) am part of it. And one of my tattoos is one of these lanterns.

[SenseOrgan]

Papa Coco
Thank you for sharing this. I've been there too. To Love. I recognize it in your words. Already in how you responded to my introduction. My vehicle was ayahuasca. I never was the same after. It was almost six years ago and the deep sense that all is well never left me. Even while suicidal ideations happened. Nothing compares. I was afraid I couldn't speak about the most important experience of my life on this forum. And about spirituality. Because it's such a delicate topic, especially here.

Much love.

[SenseOrgan]

TW/spirituality/

Papa Coco
I hope you don't mind me reacting to others in your thread... You and others have touched on something profound, which is precisely what has made the only true difference for me in decades of desperate attempts. I relate wholeheartedly. It touches my heart to read this thread and to see the love coursing through it.

...For me (like many here, I think) this process has been coming to know myself on a deeper and deeper level. As I continue to go deeper I cannot but at some point hit spirituality. It is the only logical possibility in trying to comprehend something incomprehensible: why in a universe of love do some persist at all cost to continue to crush and destroy, even with the gift of joy within their reach?

I believe we come to spirituality because we embrace truth above all else. This is the road to enlightenment and it eventually leads to an answer that will bring peace to our tortured bodies and souls.

We think along the same lines. For me, the crazy thing about all of this is that eventually you end up seeing through the central illusion called "I". Which is also the collapse of the dream of time, meaning, purpose, growth, obtaining, achieving, resolution, liberation, hope, suffering, good and bad, understanding, answers, and all the stories the mind creates to veil suchness. This is a return to innocence. To beingness. To Love. To reality. To the open, undefended heart we started out with. I see this in all of you here, on this forum. We never closed our hearts fully, like our abusive counterparts did. I love you for this. I love you for being so brave to be vulnerable. And real. I wonder if y'all see and appreciate that quality in yourself. It's beautiful.

Michael Taft once suggested in a meditation that the very thing you fear most, is the exact same thing that liberates you when embraced. Underneath it all, it's the fear of annihilation, of not existing. But what we long for most, is exactly that. Our own absence. To go through the gateless gate. The mind itself is the gate. The one we identify as. A part of us senses there has to be something more to this painful existence, which makes us into seekers. The greater the pain, the more desperate the search. The cosmic joke is revealed with the dissolution of the one we thought we were. With the wave realizing it had always been the ocean; that which it was looking for. The end of the search is here, now, this. No subject or object. No separation. Only what is. The search itself is the rejection of reality, the source of suffering. And reality "Chart-ing" and "SenseOrgan-ing" like eddies in the stream at the same time. Nothing is not the stream. Including that which thinks it's separate.

I was catapulted into this as an anti-spiritual, scientific materialist taking one last chance to keep me from taking my own life. What happened was far beyond what I could have possibly imagined. The mind can't persist when touched by Grace. Tears roll down my face writing this. It's all Love. All words I use are bs. It's all story. I know nothing. But I think I'm pointing to the same as others have here. I'm not pretending to be realized. I got a glimpse and I can't help but end up using absolute statements trying to capture the ineffable with words. Perhaps only Rumi could capture the Beloved with words in a graceful way.

The irony of this experience is that in some ways I ended up even more lonely. There's nobody in my life who can relate. I know exactly how all this sounds, since I was a staunch skeptic myself prior to this pivotal moment. This is far out stuff. But it's the single most significant and positive thing that ever happened to me. And it has been rather difficult to determine where to go from here in the years that followed. On some level I can't take anything seriously anymore. It feels dishonest to see myself as being on a path to somewhere. At the same time I definitely am doing all those constructive things to increase the quality of my life and I can suffer greatly. Everything changed and nothing changed.

Much love.

[Chart]