Today I realized that ...... (Part 2)

[Sienna]

Trigger warning...

Oh * yes, how many times ive thought this.
We never know what the future or recovery holds, and i do think that *hope* implies maybe optimism, maybe trust that it will be ok. Which is hard, as how do we know!
All i can say is, is that this is very true. Hopefully it gets easier.

[Sienna]

For me, when things are going well...and or, I'm feeling better, everything *does* come crashing down.
Im not talking about self-sabatarge..though sure, thats a problem of mine.
Im talking..life events...other people...
and sure, maybe sub consciously, i cause that through actions / words.
And sure, a part of me not only craves safety and happiness, but it craves the drama and adrenalin that I'm used to.
After periods of silence...its like a whirlwind of stuff gets hurled in my direction...
and maybe i caused it through words / actions, but maybe subconsciously.
Sometimes, i cant even write, for being too triggered, as everything is too overwhelming, or its flat and numb.

[joyful]

I always thought I had a lot of issues. I'm slowly realizing that they're not isolated--they're all connected. They're all SYMPTOMS. Somehow that's comforting to me?

[Blueberry]

I'm on the way back up again after an EF-y time.

[milk]

That I can stand up after a fall. Sometimes I forget that I can do this. I feel my body standing strong and comfortable when I,...

At times it feels awkward because its new.
I want this strong feeling to be the norm.

[woodsgnome]

...still mucking around, feeling like I'm stuck in place. Unfortunately, that place includes sleeplessness, denial/avoidance, and increasingly losing confidence in ever turning this around.

It feels like yes, it can seem like I'm getting better, but truthfully I can't say the gnawing inner and outer aches ever stop. I'd like to curl up and sleep, but even those comforts are denied. Trouble is I don't feel like trying again; more like giving in, giving up the wants, hopes, self-doings, all of it and settling into the pain.

I used to call this a remnant of cptsd. Sure, but why does it just feel like this is the only normality that's steady for me. Some more steps in reverse, feeling very worn and disappointed that apparently being stuck is all I can ever attain. Recovery makes for a good story; when does the real one show up?

[Blueberry]

I don't have an answer for you woodsgnome but sorry this is an issue for you atm.    plus I hope some good vibes from OOTS 

[Three Roses]

Ugh, that winding, twisting path of recovery. Can't it just get here and stay here, already? I'm sorry you're feeling stuck, WG, you're valued here. Safe to you if you want it.

[Jdog]

Woodsgnome-

Sometimes being stuck feels endless, and then after awhile the stream of life will work the stuck log free and a new perspective is born.

That is what I wish for you, friend.  Meanwhile, I'm glad you are here and glad that you write to us. 

Be safe, dear companion.

[woodsgnome]

...and then I've realized what a treasure being here can be.

Yes, I often feel stuck, and feel so utterly alone and defenceless. It seems there's no longer an obvious way forward. Then, as jdog says so well: "the stream of life will work the stuck log free and a new perspective is born."

And this time, it was so obvious to me ... the river of life, the moving force against my stuckness, was all the kind words from Blueberry, Three Roses, and Jdog. I still feel frustrated by getting so down again, but it goes with this clogged stream, which isn't my fate but merely stops me along the way.

Thank you friends, and thanks to the community at large who can understand these feelings and who realize that when it seems hopeless, at least there's true friends who can support when the next stuck point blocks life's flow.

[Blueberry]

It sounds as if you're doing a little better? Maybe come a little bit unstuck?

I regularly get stuck again. My imagery is similar to Jdog's. There's a river with sticks floating down and eventually they all jam together. But then sometime one breaks free or is moved on by the current and the others start loosening and freeing themselves too. Things flow again, in me especially. Then not so long after - another log jam. They come and they go. When I'm in them I often don't have much hope that I'll come out the other side, but I do.

so happy that OOTS continues to help you in this way. The community here helps me immensely too. 

[Hope67]

I am very grateful for this forum - because just thinking of people here, and knowing that people understand C-PTSD and the issues that come up for us - it makes such a big difference.  I'm finding I'm able to do more things today - and I am sure that it's due to the support here - I am so grateful to everyone here.  Just felt the need to say it.   
Hope