How to pick a safe roomate?

[smg]

I have posted an ad seeking a roomate to share my 2-bedroom house. I'm really scared, but I'm trying to move forward with this because the fear over my finances, losing my house and feeling even more trapped in my crappy minimum-wage job is getting stronger. And I'm also doing it because a little part of me hopes for companionship, and a way out of isolation and the shame of not having the life I "should."

Can anyone suggest questions to ask applicants to weed out anyone with narcissistic or bullying tendencies?

I've already thought of using the word "peaceful" in the ad, and asking a couple friends to help me with a second opinion of the applicants (although asking for that help is also scary).

Thanks.
smg

[VeryFoggy]

SMG - There are actually a lot of other problems you can have with roommates that can trigger you , besides, narcissism and bullying.  My room mate is an alcoholic and when she goes into her own little world it is very triggering as she is loud, obnoxious, talks on and on, tells the same stories over and over and is unaware of personal space, crosses boundaries left and right. So long story short  she was asked to move out in the kindest way possible but I was very firm.  And this was a friend.  I did not know her problems were this bad before we moved in together.

So having said that and having been through it myself, here are some other things I think could help.  You could ask for references, and follow up on those. and you could ask for family contacts as well. You could also make the lease very short, like 3 months or 6 months, so that if there is a problem you can gracefully part ways. I did not see the full extent of my roommate's problems until about 3 months in.  At first she was on good behavior. So keep the lease short. Another thing that might help is a job.  My roommate does not work and neither do I so we were in each other's hair all of the time.  If a person is on a different shift, that could work out great. Less time together awake. Anyway I would not advise taking anyone who does not work.  You need to be very firm about house rules up front in advance, like drugs, loud music, loud talking, etc. We had problems with that for sure!

Anyway I hope that helps a little. I would not wish what I went through on anyone.  Though I have to say that after I got my courage up to lovingly confront her?  She escalated and was angry for about 2 more weeks, but then calmed down and has totally turned her focus onto her own life and getting her own place, and I am so happy for her.  And she tries very hard not to trigger me anymore.

[smg]

Thank you, Foggy! Yes, substance abuse would be a big problem for me. I will ask for references and about employment.

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p.s. I'm glad to hear that your living situation got better.

[Kubali]

Hi SMG

I think the best way to evaluate anyone is to listen to the structure of the language both body and verbal. I try to tune out what is being said and watch for what is not being said. Does that make sense?

Good question to ask is " can you remember the last time you failed at something?" This kind of question if adroitly dropped into the conversation can open the person up. If they do the "yeah but it wasn't my fault" then show them the door politely. If they do the " yeah I really learned something" you are on safer ground.

Do they mirror you at all? Are they listening? Do they speak well of others or are they withering and negative? Your instincts will guide you. Always ask for a follow up visit. For clarification purposes. Are they accommodating and punctual?

Hope this helps

Kubali

[smg]

Kubali,

Yes, that helps! That question about failure is brilliant. I think I need a test that has really clear criteria, because I'm still learning to notice my instincts yelling warnings at me. When I met with one woman who was interested in the room, I tried asking her something like "what happens when you're upset and you forget all your conflict resolution and effective communication skills?" I think at that point she listed all the support groups etc that she could turn to, and then she turned it around and asked me if I had enough support and resources. I think I was very triggered during the whole process of meeting her, and I determined to push through and agree to have her as a roommate -- fortunately, she decided to live elsewhere. I'm a little troubled that I didn't notice all the signs that she and I would have been an extremely bad fit. It's really not surprising that I still need more practice at honouring my feelings.
I'm still looking (very slowly) for a roommate, and the woman who inquired most recently seems very promising. She's out of town, so we've been communicating by email so far, and I've already noticed that we're mirroring one another nicely.

[hypervigilante]

Church postings are a good way to reach out to good people who know good people! 

Also, be careful not to put too much weight on one person.  Remember that you can establish your boundaries and work alongside someone.  Maybe there will be so much good to come from a roommate companionship!! But it's possible that you guys could make better roommates than friends; if you're able to stay open-minded, I think the possibility of disappointment will fall far less heavily.