hello everyone

[rainbug]

hi!

i'm rainbug.

I've experienced various forms of abuse over the years but I am here mainly to learn to cope with the emotional, sometimes physical, abuse and isolation/neglect I experienced during my childhood. it was complicated by the fact that I have a mobility disorder and so was even more dependent (in reality tho my needs weren't met) on some reasonable degree of caretaking even than many other children throughout the time I lived in my foster-turned-adoptive mother's care. for instance she kept a house in which I had to walk sideways down very narrow paths with my crutches as there was no room to walk any other way, I couldn't reach cups to get a drink, my room was always upstairs, I didn't learn to put my own shoes and (braces,i had braces then) on till I was in late elementary school so went without a lot, etc. food  was scarce and I had to wait on her to bring it home eventually at night after work, if she did, and I was made to know just how much of a burden I was and how much she wished she hadn't gotten me often.

much more of course, but that's enough for now.

what I seem to have been left with that almost troubles me more than the darker stuff is a deep yearning to be loved, held, reassured, comforted, and to have my emotional needs met and all my little triumphs acknowledged. this is more painful to me than it sounds bc i am also shy and rather agoraphobic and prefer to communicate in writing which doesn't lead directly at all to those things. also I struggle with the fact that I understand others can only give what they can give and it is unfair to ask others to meet unmet childhood needs but still- my needs are so strong.

I have had general weekly counseling on and off for years and recently some specifically trauma based counseling which was far more helpful and gave me far more skills to work with but it is a slow slow process and I find I continue to struggle too much as I work to learn them.

nice to meet everyone!

[Hope67]

Hi rainbug,
Nice to meet you too, and welcome 

Hope

[Chart]

Welcome Rainbug, your story brought tears to my eyes. I understand that need for being loved, just how powerful and all-overwhelming it can be. I'm so sorry to hear your story and the abuse you suffered. I'm still dumbfounded when I imagine a species that is capable of doing these sorts of things to children. And you have faced extreme physical challenges as well. It seems so unfair to me. I'm so sorry. Here I think you will find connection and support. I'm so glad to know you and look forward to connecting and sharing. Sending love and support, Chart
 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm  welcome to OOTS Rainbug.

what I seem to have been left with that almost troubles me more than the darker stuff is a deep yearning to be loved, held, reassured, comforted, and to have my emotional needs met and all my little triumphs acknowledged.

Abuse and neglect leaves us with such a strong yearning that most of us here can relate to. What we went through leaves a huge hole in our soul. It's unforgivable that we must live with this and I wonder sometimes if non-survivors and even therapists understand how deep this wound is. It's not something people want to acknowledge and don't know quite what to do or say because abuse/neglect, especially of children, is unthinkable.

I think you are brave to talk about it and I hope you and I and other survivors can carry this message to non-survivors so there is some understanding and then more validation, comfort and support. In the meantime, I hope you find some of that here at OOTS and that it helps you to feel connected, heard and supported.