Extreme self-discrepancy

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

I really * hate my blue hair. But I can't afford to dye it.
I've gained weight, my BMI is not in the danger region yet, but nor is it low enough for my ego.
I try my hardest to pick clothes I like but I always end up choosing such * options.
etc etc etc

I feel inferior to everyone all of the time.

I feel inferior to everyone. To the point where I cant watch films thinking "insert x person Cool hot based etc meanwhile Y person no i dont want to be them!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

there's a distinction between "this is me" and
"this is what I like, even if others state otherwise"

The former is obviously better than the latter

I am so deeply ashamed of the emotional outbursts in public, The thought of people thinking of me as some ugly flamboyant extravagant Elvis Presley Freddy Mercury esque theatrical Drag queen ish kind of person is very very very very distressing

I just want to be more apathetic, more neutral, more muted, more detached, more raw, more authentic, etc. It is part of my identity. It means so much to me.

I just please for the love of god want validation that i am indeed what i identify as even though my ideal self is at the end of the day kind of vague.

I compensate for this as much as I possibly can by dieting, as one example. I don't want curves.