Hello! *small trigger warning*

[DZ]

Hello,

My name is DZ and I am 35 years old. I was clinically diagnosed with cPTSD and depression about 2 years ago maybe even 3 years ago. I've been seeing a therapist for about 7 years now and started my journey with anti-depressants around the time I was diagnosed with depression and cPTSD. I also struggle a lot with anxiety and thanks to the combination of therapy and medication, my anxiety has improved and I have finally been able to work through a lot of my trauma though I am aware there is still a long journey ahead.

I came across Out of the Storm earlier this week. About a year or 2 ago post my diagnosis my therapist suggested seeking out support groups in combination with therapy and medicine. I have been skeptical for a while until last year when I read the book Trauma and Recovery by Judith L. Herman. It was a difficult read however it was something that I think allowed me the push I needed to seek out additional support. I have struggled with a lot of trauma in my life. At 12 years old, I watched my mother suffer through cancer diagnosis and treatment until it took her when I was 15 years old. I was at her bedside when she took her last breath. Until this day I can still recall everything like it happened yesterday. Although my father is loving, he is also abusive and dismissive.

Growing up my father would use physical abuse as punishment and after my moms passing, he and I had the worst relationship out of my 4 other siblings. He would physically beat me and kick me out frequently. This went on for years until I was about 23 on NYE when he physically beat me and I left the house and never moved back home. We are in a better place now though it has taken years, a lot of work, and time to get here. I went no contact with him for about 4 years and he has also sought anger management which has helped. Needless to say the toxic patterns I grew up with unfortunately seeped into how I went into romantic relationships. For 7 years I was trapped in a very emotional, mental, and sexually abusive relationship (from age 16 to about age 22/23). He was very verbally abusive, controlling, and he stalked me even years later. At one point or another it even went as far as being physically abusive. I always knew the relationship was abusive but I was so used to being told that because I was a woman, I was always over exaggerating and being dramatic.

Basically I was used to being gaslit by men in my life that I just viewed abuse and toxicity as a part of what relationships were. The sexual abuse was the hardest thing to recognize because I just figured that being convinced and forced into intimacy was part of a relationship. After the relationship ended, I thought I was in the clear and moved forward with my life. I remained single for 2 years and eventually found myself jumping into another relationship that recently came to an end 5 months ago.

Throughout the last 10 years of this last relationship I had convinced myself that I had found "my person" however, what I realize now being 5 months out was that this last relationship was also very much toxic. My now ex had cheated on me 3x's with the same person, was an alcoholic, manipulative, extremely selfish, narcissistic, and mentally and emotionally abusive. However in the thick of the relationship I could not see it but I felt it. For 10 years of this relationship I suffered an immense amount of anxiety to the point where they eventually became panic attacks. I became reliant on him to emotionally regulate me and sought validation and worthiness from him. I realize now that he would lie and manipulate me into believing I was never doing enough or that I was never good enough for him. He would feed me just enough breadcrumbs to keep me within his reach and within his control.

It was in this last relationship that I finally realized that my issues with intimacy stemmed from what I refused to acknowledge in the relationship prior to this one, which was the fact that I had been sexually assaulted for years by someone I thought/assumed loved me. It was in this relationship where I was finally able to say it out loud and admit to myself that I had been sexually assaulted by my ex. This realization is what began the path to recognizing the abusive cycles I was finding myself repeating and trapping myself in.

Over the last 3-4 years I have been working with my therapist to recognize my trauma's and work through them. The hardest thing in working through these trauma's has been walking away from a relationship that I thought was meant to be forever and recognizing that this relationship in which I believed was perfect was actually in fact not. Walking away from this last relationship and finally getting out from under the toxic grasps of my ex has allowed me to really see how unhealthy the relationship was. This last relationship drained me. It made me question who I was and my worth everyday. I had an unhealthy anxious attachment to him. I had lost myself and sacrificed who I was to make the relationship work with someone who never valued me.

I don't want to continue to repeat these cycles. It is why I am taking this time to truly focus on myself, heal myself, work through my trauma's so that I can finally breakout of these cycles and recognize the signs and triggers when they appear. It is also why I am finally taking the steps to do the necessary work to work through my cPTSD. It is why I am here. Why I am now embracing and seeking a community that can be a support and a guiding light. I want to learn how to self regulate my own emotions. How to ease my anxiousness and anxieties. Most of all, I want to learn how to trust myself again and value who I am and not feel the need to seek for it externally. And I no longer want to feel alone in this journey. I look forward to what I am going to learn and the people that this community will bring into my life.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS DZ.  I am truly sorry for all that you have gone through and are working so hard to deal with.  I hope by coming here it will help you in your recovery. You sound so determined to make a healthier life for yourself - bravo! Understanding your cycles is a great start so keep on sharing. We're here to listen to one another and give support and suggestions     

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, and welcome. I am sorry you have had so many difficulties in your life and applaud you for having the strength to walk away from a damaging relationship once you recognised it for what it was. That is tough and takes courage.

[Kizzie]

  Bravo DZ!