heartbreaking gender dysphoria over my personality

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

i am so * dsgusted with my stepfather (not just him on his own but many people) for me being "childish temperamental woman that overreacts when she does not get her own way and thinks the world revolves around her"
i get treat like that by so many strangers on the internet (comments like "if you dont find a strangers clothes ugly do you lash out at them?", getting described as "extraverted", "free spirit", etc, allegations of BPD) and IRL (sex jokes, someone in home bargains once shoved female deodorant in my face, "that lady thinks frowning will get her further in the queue", people describng my behaviour as "histrionics")
it is not just triggering but absolutely heartbreaking

I long to be more logical, cynical, apathetic, monotone, introverted and/or detached from reality (not necessarily all at the same time, but just ANYTHING EXCEPT THE OPPOSITE)

my psychologist explained to me that i only behave in specified way (overly dramatic and loud, the exact opposite of how I wish i were) when under great psychological turmoil and that i am otherwise polite, quiet, contemplative/thoughtful but it doesnt help that much. I dont want to ever act the former at all ever.

[Kizzie]

my psychologist explained to me that i only behave in specified way (overly dramatic and loud, the exact opposite of how I wish i were) when under great psychological turmoil and that i am otherwise polite, quiet, contemplative/thoughtful but it doesnt help that much. I dont want to ever act the former at all ever.

I think seeing a therapist is a way of learning to regulate your behaviour. Dysregulation is a major symptom of Complex PTSD hence the reason we need a hand (therapy) to work on why we are dysregulated and then on learning regulate, usually a bit at a time. If you keep a journal, like many of us over time you can look back and see the changes. Looking at what you're struggling with every day means you likely don't see the small changes that really do add up.

You're working on yourself and that's something to feel good about IMO. 

[Blue_Jays]

I felt similarly to you when I was your age. The way people saw me was so challenging. I got "you think you are better than everyone" daily, among some pretty harsh remarks. I knew they were wrong, and it felt so unfair that they were constantly telling me who I was. I was also in so much emotional pain from 16-23 that I was pretty much a bomb. I could be really reserved, but things would set me off so easily, especially if I felt I wasn't being heard.

For me, one really important thing has been unlearning the lies that were told to me growing up. I think you can be whoever you want to be, and do what makes sense for you, and that chaos/uncertainty is going to get easier to navigate. Trying to forgive yourself when you are not doing things exactly the way you want to be. Humans are messy, and we make so so many mistakes. I don't handle everything with the grace I would like to, but sometimes when you are speaking your truth you need to do it in a messy way.

I agree with Kizzie that a journal is super helpful, even the journal you are keeping on the forum. It is so helpful to get everything out.

[WabiSabi]

Hey Gecko,

Also weighing in to let you know you're not alone.

I used to feel I was playing a part I hadn't signed up for. Everyone would tell me who I was, and deep down I knew it wasn't true, but I ended up playing along. I was explosive, rude, intense, difficult, and aggressive. All the things they said I was I became.

As others are saying keeping the journal will help. It can help you piece together the puzzle over time.