New here (maybe triggers not sure though)

[3of5]

I have finally got up the gumption to introduce myself.
I am so grateful to have found this site. In a positive sense it is nice to know I am not alone, and in a heartbreaking sense I know I am not alone, or the only one.
The first mistake I made in life was being born a girl. I was verbally/emotionally/physically and spiritually abused. (I was raised LDS, but my parents took it too far.)
I never had a voice which has plagued me my whole life. When I was a teenager I discovered a way to voice my feelings and thoughts through music.
In 2009 I was finally diagnosed with PTSD. And then when I tried to get a good psychologist, I had CBT thrown at me along with lots of meds.
I have ran the gamut of psychologists and even ended up staying a couple times in a psych ward, and it never helped, just made it worse.
So I took to psycho educating myself about CPTSD, and learning tools to help with the emotional flashbacks. (Man, it totally sucks how they can come from out of nowhere and blind side you.)
I don't know if anyone else has ever had this go on with them, but I don't feel female nor male inside. To look at me you wouldn't know. I guess it is part of the dissociation thing. I actually have tended to bond with plants, animals, and computers in my life because I have been so afraid of being hurt.
I had 2 abusive marriages prior to my Husband now, who is my rock and I swear the only one who gets me.
I told him last night when we were having one of our talks, that I don't have just a wall around me, I have a fortress! I am the freeze/dissociate kind.
I have also dealt with anorexia and bulimia, feeling suicidal in the past, and self-injury. One thing I never would have thought that I would ever hear myself saying 10 years ago is that actually I am afraid to die! I have no contact what so ever with my family. I cannot have them in my life.
I am grateful for Pete Walker's book. It has helped out a lot.
One major leap forward for me that happened a few weeks ago was when I said to myself "3of5, I am so glad that you were born." The most amazing feeling  washed over me inside.

[keepfighting]

Hi, 3of5,

welcome to the forum! 

I'm very glad you've found us and had the courage to write that first post. 

Hope you'll find support and validation here - and people who 'get' you. You deserve to have many more moments of feeling glad you were born. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Glad you are hear -
I identify with a lot of what u have shared
I suffered eating disorder too and am now getting some recovery -
Am also learning about emotional flashes and yes they come seemingly out of no where !
I feel v grateful for this site and for the literature people have written

Re the male / female thing I get that too ! I was just thinking about it today and I figured I am a women with Tom boy traits -- I am womanly but def have a maleness inside - maybe it has been how I've coped and my mother was the abuser so -- maybe I rejected some of my feminine for a more masculine defence ? I don't know really am just making it up !

I don't have contact with most of my family and I am finally letting go emotionally it's a good place to be

Best wishes to you