So that's what this is!

[Convalescent]

"Healing from PTSD is also a long, gradual process because recovering our developmentally arrested instincts of full self-expression requires practicing new self-championing behaviors that trigger flashbacks to times when we were punished or abandoned for acting in our own self-interest. Self-championing was punished like a capital crime in many dysfunctional families. The flashback pain that this kind of practicing triggers can feel so acute that it masks the gradual relief and reduction of the chronic pain of remaining invisible."

Finally, someone puts words to what I've been feeling for the last couple of months. I think a lot of the pain, to some extent anyway, is caused by this. And it makes me so * angry! This last 8-9 months I've realized just how much one person has * me up. ONE PERSON!!

My god...

[PaintedBlack]

Oh I am so with you in your anger. Totally get it - I can feel it, coming through the page and smacking me in the face. I know the feeling. Just, when you're sick of being angry, remember that they're not there anymore. No ones holding you back NOW.

You're safe now (hopefully) and it isn't anything like it was then. These are the thoughts that give me hope.

[Convalescent]

Oh I am so with you in your anger. Totally get it - I can feel it, coming through the page and smacking me in the face. I know the feeling. Just, when you're sick of being angry, remember that they're not there anymore. No ones holding you back NOW.

You're safe now (hopefully) and it isn't anything like it was then. These are the thoughts that give me hope.

Thank you Yeah, that's my thoughts exactly. And yes, I'm safe now. That was in the past, this is in the present. That's what I try to say to myself. I slammed my fist on the table when I read it... it's just so true. Everytime I've come a little bit further lately (maybe I've taken too many steps, or too giant steps at a time), it's like someone gives me a thorough beating and smacks me right in my place. Not physical of course, but mentally and emotionally. "I'm doing something wrong"... or so does my subconscious say.

Self-punishment... god damn I'm so ... my whole being is the embodiment of self-punishment a lot of the time.

[PaintedBlack]

Well, I don't know if this applies but I will say, for me, going from more hurt than anger, to more anger than hurt, is a progression in the right direction. In other words shame and hurt and pain turned more and more into anger. The anger is more appropriate for the situation. I think it's a grieving progression of some sort. Now, as I'm working through the anger... it's turning into acceptance and resolve to stay away from her, and make my life what I wanted to be, and to love myself and take care of myself the way she should have but didn't.

In some ways I want to hurt and shame to be correct. because then there's a chance that she loves me. when I get angry, and I know I'm right, the hurt is different because I know she will never change. But that is the truth. and the only thing that's going to make me better is facing reality and truth. It's a tough stage to go through, and I'm still going through it. But I know I'm moving in the right direction, & I hope and believe that you are too.

I will use this opportunity to give you another big huge hug.