My siblings invalidate my memories; think abusive mom was a nice person

[FredrickaGoshlox]

It's mindboggling to me, but I WAS the scapegoat. I can see GC not getting it, but I don't understand my sister, who has had so many problems due to our upbringing...intimacy problems, picking good men, substance abuse, anorexia, looking good but having anger issues...you name it. I've gotten help so I am in a better place t han her, but I actually got the abuse worse of all. Well, that and my father.

When I found that both siblings were invalidating my abuse and spaying on my posts on another healing site, I decided I never wanted to see them, talk to them, read their Facebooks, check their comings and goings...literally it was such a shock and slight to me I want them to disappear from my life totally, and since my sister went NC for the 100th time, that is possible.

But it just makes me wonder: "Was it that bad? Nobody hit me. I wasn't sexually abused. Others have it worse." Yet the tapes in my head: "You're stupid" "you're lazy" "you're selfish" "you're no good" still play sometimes, even with all my therapy. I live a good life now, which I worked hard for, but still suffer from panic disorder, depression, anxiety disorder, mild OCD and my newst therapist insists I have CPSTD. My sister has decided I have borderline. My therapist says I have too good a heart and don't meet the BPD criteria, and I think she just says it to be mean. She is not always mean...I feel she is just damaged and never got t he help she needs.

Is it normal to feel "I can't have CPTSD" because other were hit or sexually abused? The sibling invalidation doesn't help, however I have learned that this is common.  I can't really digest that I have CPTSD although I have every single symptom, including suffering on and off with derealization and depersonalization (what a horrible feeling, but I have learned to help it go away). I also never achieved up to my IQ level, but have learning disorders.

My mother never held me as an infant. She said I stiffened in her arms so she propped a bottle and when I cried because I didn't like it, she gave me chocolate milk and propped it. I was not taught boundareis, rules, or anything about life.

Still...can't help but doubt...

[FredrickaGoshlox]

Thank you very much. I have decided to have no contact at all, not even checking their FB status or anything else online. Any time I hear their voices or see their pictures, it is a trigger.

I have been told I seem to have been traumatized all my life by my therapists, but didn't want to go there or maybe I didn't believe it. I also have had depersonalization/derealization. Yuk. I swear that is the worst symptom of all.

Appreciate the validation. It is beyond my comprehension that nobody else saw what was going on with me, but I have read it is normal for others to deny it.