Emotophobia (possible triggers, not sure)

[tesscaline]

Emotophobia is something that SpartanLifeCoach has referenced a time or two, that has really resonated with me.  I have been, over the course of my life, afraid of feeling (or causing anyone else to feel) bad feelings.  I'm working on that, and have been making progress with the assistance of anti-anxiety medication.  However, I thought it might be cool to get a bit of a discussion going here about it, to see what other people's experiences have been.

For me, anger/rage have been my biggest sticking points.  There are very few instances in which I have, historically, been able to really feel my anger (let alone express it) -- and those times are when all my other defenses have been ineffective.  I.E., only when my typical freeze/fawn didn't work, and I was unable to flee. 

My issues around being incapable of becoming angry in most circumstances are three fold -- first, it's not as culturally acceptable for women to express anger, right?  It's "okay" for women/girls to cry, to be anxious, to be scared, etc., but anger isn't generally "allowed" unless it's to protect, say, their children -- and it's definitely not "allowed" when protecting themselves. 

The second part for me is that I was not permitted to express anger (or, indeed, any "negative" emotion) as a child.  Doing so would incite abusive responses (including abandonment, because, well, that's abuse too) from my mother. 

The third part is that the only real model I had for how to express anger was from that same abusive mother.  My dad wasn't around much, and when he was, he didn't get angry very often -- mostly only mildly irate.  I saw her fight with my father and abuse him both verbally and attempts at physically (sometimes with sharp implements), and the cops wound up being called on more than one occasion.  And of course there was how my mother would treat me when she was angry, which, well, Bad Things happened. 

I've had such a huge issue with being afraid to feel and/or express anger that I've been unable to follow through with anger expression exercises in a group therapy that I was part of once.  We were supposed to write down our feelings on a plate with a marker, and then take all of those feelings and funnel them into hurling this plate and breaking it.  I couldn't.  I simply couldn't.  The idea of using any sort of violence (at an inanimate object or otherwise) to express anger was triggering in and of itself, and there was just no way for me to follow through with the exercise. 

So, as I said, I'm working on the emotophobia with the help of anti-anxiety medication.  It's lessening the fear and the catastrophizing that comes along with feeling anger, and so it's becoming easier to feel it.  But I don't know if that effect will go away when I stop taking it (can't take Benzos forever, nor would I want to), and I thought maybe other people might have some advice, or share their experiences with being emotophobic, and how they're working on overcoming it (if they are).

[Dutch Uncle]

So, as I said, I'm working on the emotophobia with the help of anti-anxiety medication.  It's lessening the fear and the catastrophizing that comes along with feeling anger, and so it's becoming easier to feel it.  But I don't know if that effect will go away when I stop taking it (can't take Benzos forever, nor would I want to), and I thought maybe other people might have some advice, or share their experiences with being emotophobic, and how they're working on overcoming it (if they are).

I have difficulty expressing anger myself. To a large extend I'm not really capable of feeling anger, I think I automatically tone down any anger I feel to 'mild annoyances', which I then keep to myself. This is learned behavior, I know, so I am now learning to express my 'mild annoyances'. Sometimes I can even be very annoyed nowadays, in public, which is a great improvement.

Since you write that with the meds you are better able to access/feel your anger, I think these meds are a great help for you. I wrote earlier that Pete Walker considers restoring the "Fight"-reaction is quite essential for recovery, so the meds help you along that path. I assume that if you are able to 'work through' losing your fear for your (and others') anger, chances are you will manage much better even without the medication at some point. Probably the first period without them you'll have to go through a similar process as you do now. But hopefully (and probably) by then you have learned how to go through that, and it will be sort a 'repeat' exercise.
In any case, getting of medication is usually done in a controlled way, so I think you don't have to worry how things will be when you come off them.

PS: I did read your journal, and was very impressed by the emotions you expressed, both at your home and in writing. That's real progress. I tend to reply little to journal entries, but I read a lot of them. And I'm happy I can show you my encouragement to you in this closely related thread you made. 

[Pieces]

The topic of chapter 5 in Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation by Suzette Boon is 'fearing internal experience', maybe that's helpful?