Introduction – Not sure whether trigger warning is needed

[inbedby9]

I'm almost 60.  Although I've sought therapy from time to time over the years I'm just realizing how bad my upbringing was and being humiliated by it, about the current negative family dynamics around me and my role therein, and recently experienced something with my mother  that has left me without feeling much and I'm wondering why my feelings feel different.  I should have felt hurt by the event, but I just felt an emptiness and anger/disgust.

I catch myself looking at my fiancé and am grateful for how he treats me, as I've not been treated this well before, but I'm confused as to why I don't feel  up or down  much of anything other than unsubstantiated fear and mistrust... and embarrassment over that.   

I had been diagnosed with ptsd over an event that happened over 20 years ago.  After reading online about complex ptsd, I'm thinking I have this as well, but have not had a professional diagnoses of it. 

[Rain]

Welcome, inbedby9 ...you have a lot of company here  from what I read in your introduction.    Many of us are in the same age group, and a similar sounding history to what you have written.

I would not worry if there is an official diagnosis or not.  If you see yourself in the in posts here, then you will likely find solutions in recovery in seeing it as CPTSD.    You can also visit www.pete-walker.com to read many excellent, free articles on addressing symptoms of CPTSD.    I personally have found solutions with Pete's work that I have not found elsewhere.

His books are excellent, and the current CPTSD book is a roadmap many of us use here for recovery.

I look forward to your sharing more in posts here.   Again, welcome and know that you have others on the same Journey in healing.

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi, inbedby9. Pleased to meet you. I hope you'll find something helpful here.

Distrust and shame sound veeery familiar. That, and the fear. And it was always just generalized, like a thick fog of it that I was living in, nothing that seemed to be caused by specific events.

I second (or third?) what Rain said about Pete Walker's website. It's an excellent starting point for research.

[Kizzie]

Welcome InBedBy9!   

Glad you found your way to us, and given the warm welcomes you've received that you will feel comfortable here soon. 

[inbedby9]

Thank you everyone for your warm welcomes and information. 

I am apprehensive about all of this but have to admit that the more information I get the more I am understanding what has been going on in my life.  It is a very difficult time but my perspective is shifting... which is a good thing. 

Reading such warm comments is so encouraging.   
Again, thank you.