I'm finally posting!

[Salsera]

Hi all. I have been posting a lot on OOTF for about 2 years. I found this forum a few months ago and have been reading ever since. I hope the acronyms are used on this forum as well.

There is so much to say that I don't know what to say. I'm 53, divorced for 10 years, 2 teenage sons, diagnosed with CPTSD for a couple of years. I grew up in a family that I always knew was "not quite right". A few years ago I was able to put all of the pieces together - NM, enNF, NGCbro who is a bully/beast, and another mini-NGCbro. I was the SG and was physically, verbally, and emotionally abused.

Before I came OOTF, I began to do things when around FOO, that unknowingly were so characteristic of the abused SG with CPTSD. I went NC on the day of my enNF's funeral in June 2013 after being made aware of the most evil thing NM did to me. It was a lightbulb moment, and like a switch went off, I went NC. I knew at that moment I would never see or speak to NM again. I was abused, smeared, gaslighted, you name it, until I was over 50! Now I am free.

No surprise that NO ONE has contacted me since that day. No family, friends, no one. NM did a great job of continuing with her smearing of me. But, I no longer care. I don't care what has, or is, being said about me. What a feeling of freedom!

So, I have been working on my recovery since then. I have read tons of books on NPD. I am currently reading Walker's book. I am doing so much better since NC. Now I'd like to participate in the community on this board.

Parts of everyone's stories are so familiar to me. We have travelled similar, yet distinct, journeys. I'm so glad I found this forum.

Thank you!

[C.]

I'm so happy that you posted your intro here yesterday.  I knew when I read "salsera" we had one thing in common.  I love to dance, especially tropical bachata/cumbia/salsa!, style. 

Like you I began my divorce in my mid-forties, am now near 50, teen-age son, I have CPTSD, and I'm reading Walker's book.  Nearly all of my neglect/abuse was emotional neglect, but it was 24/7 probably from the day I was born and allowed to "cry" myself to sleep.  Or told that I would "tantrum" at age 1 y.o. so would be left alone.  I relate deeply to the "core" pain that Walker describes in his book.

I'm noticing that my first stage with OOTS and in my CPTSD recovery that began a few months ago is hearing other's similar stories.    I have a lot of friendships I developed prior to my recovery, but now it seems like all of these people are either in denial of their FOO abuse/neglect and/or perpetuate one of my unhealthy coping strategies in our "friendship" (freeze, flight, fawn).  Thank you for posting here.  Cheers and strength on your journey.

[Kizzie]

Hi     and welcome to OOTS Salsera   

I think I've 'seen' you at OOTF - great site isn't it? I know so much more about PD personalities and how to deal with them now and that has made room for me to deal with  my CPTSD. Before that I was just struggling so much with that PD craziness that sucks up time and energy.  I am now LC with my NPDM and NC with my NPDB and my M's FM's.  It's wonderful!!  We just had the best Christmas ever - no PD drama, just relaxing and enjoying our FOC - life as it was meant to be.

I'm glad to hear you're reading "The Book" (as we jokingly refer to it around here).  Walker's writing resonates with so many of us because as someone who has CPTSD and someone who treats it he gets it and deeply so. CPTSD is definitely well ....complex so you may find you have to read it and talk about your CPTSD slowly/in bits or chunks or it can be overwhelming.

When you have a moment please read through the Member Guidelines  and then when you're ready please feel free to post in any of the forums.

[Salsera]

Thank you for the warm greetings!

I will read the guidelines, and I certainly will be posting in the future as I read "The Book".

It's nice to talk with people who understand where we are coming from.

[VeryFoggy]

Hi Salsera! I "know" you!  I have seen your posts many times and you have helped me many times on OOTF.  Welcome!

I love OOTF.  It saved my life. But one day I found it wasn't meeting my needs anymore. I knew there was something really bad wrong with me, and all of the comfort and hugs in the world were not going to help me "move forward."  It was a WONDERFUL, beautiful, magical, healing place to start my journey, to cry and mourn and  get reassurance over, and over that I wasn't crazy.  They were PD.  There was NOTHING wrong with me. But I still knew something really bad was wrong with me. As things were getting worse and worse and I kept losing people left and right.

So I came here.  And started therapy. And it has been TOUGH, hard work.  I just thought I was working hard last year.  No, now I work 3 times harder!  But that is the only way out for me.

The thing I find most different about OOTS is we are really all working on ourselves.  We are pretty much, or getting there, finished with mourning.  And it's still not fixed.  So everybody here is working very hard on themselves and on getting better.

So I would have to say in my opinion OOTF is a GREAT place to start.  But if there is a need for more?  And you think you need to do more work? This is the place.  You won't get as many responses here, as we are still small? But everyone here cares just as much as on OOTF!  So Welcome Salsera!

[Boatsetsailrose]

Glad you are here:)
Going nc is so good isn't it -- to be able to breathe and start to heal ....
I am grateful for this site

[Salsera]

Hi all!

Just popping in to say that I am still doing better! This month was the 2nd year anniversary of my father's death and my going NC. He died the day before father's day. But, I've been living my life, abuse-free, and so this year June was not as bad as it was last year, or the year before, or the year before that....

And something else I've noticed - I no longer feel "bad" about being NC with FOO. When people talk about their families, or their mother, or their brother, it does not bother me like it used to. I am less sad now about not having a mother, or a FOO, or a brother, than I used to be. I'm amazed.

Thank you all for your support, and for your wise words.

[Boatsetsailrose]

That's v good to hear
Me too
It is possible to have life after
A new life
Blessed

[Kizzie]

That's wonderful Salsera  Yay    It's amazing what some distance from our abusers can do isn't it? Time and space to breath finally as BSSR suggests.

I'm also not getting that loneliness, sadness or longing feeling any more when other people talk about family. It was a very long time coming though, but I'm not complaining.    I'd rather be here and look at things straight on than push them down.  It was tough feeling the longing and the anger but it's sure better than where I was.