Hi! Towards a more expressive and creative me

[CreativeCat]

Hi all,

This is the first time I have joined an internet forum, after reading so many supportive and caring posts this morning I felt compelled to join and to belong to a like-minded community.
Like most people here I have had a complex family history, marred by emotional and physical abuse and neglect. Although I've thought for a while that I have CPTSD, it is only this week, after experiencing a particularly horrible emotional flashback, that it just makes perfect sense to me- on both an emotional and logical level. It gives me something way to explain how I feel, without having to explain how I feel every time. I even think I can use this as a way to explain how I am feeling to others, if and when I feel brave enough!
I'm at a stage in recovery where I am questioning whether it is helpful for me to stay in touch with family members, as contact with them often triggers and EF. I'm also at a stage where I am finding myself and who I really am, including parts of my-self I misidentified with myself from as they were influences of abusive caregivers who I wanted to completed dis-identify from.  I'm in a place now where I let myself expect things from life-  I'm studying for a doctorate which I find so much joy in finally feeling as though I have done my best and I am able to celebrate it (no matter how uncomfortable that makes others feel). I want to be more creative and learn to express myself more, both verbally and through art. I want to have deeper and more meaningful relationships and to feel accepted and that I belong somewhere. I feel that in many ways I am moving onto more exciting and fun phase of an incredibly tough journey, although I know that I will always remember the harsh truths of my childhood. I think for me now the important thing is that I don't want to forget.
writing this I realise how worried I am about celebrating my happiness and coming across as gloating! I guess it's a good example of the layers of emotion involved in triggering and EF's!

It's been a hard journey and there's always more to come but I always feel glad that I took the 'red pill'

'This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.'
Morpheous, The Matri

x (film)

[woodsgnome]

 Hi, CC

Good to see you here. Your well-presented thoughts echo into the space of mixed emotions we all feel at times. 

You mentioned family ties and the pros/cons of staying in touch. In my experience I simply had to cut them off, I couldn't function for a long time while in proximity. It helped that I ended up being able to just move far away. I probably danced a jig on my way to the land of "forget about it", for real. Unfortunately, out-of-sight didn't translate to out-of-mind. I finally scratched "forget about it" off the list a couple years ago, as the flashbacks still tumble in anyway and life becomes a frantic tumble and push-pull, which you seem to reluctantly accept as well.

You also wrote:"I realise how worried I am about celebrating my happiness and coming across as gloating! I guess it's a good example of the layers of emotion involved in triggering and EF's!" Precisely. My experience is just when the road seems clear, an awful storm full of lurking images and nightmares overtakes all the seeming progress I think I've made. It slams me, but then I find it passes, albeit all too slowly.

Thank you for adding your thoughtful input. 

[CreativeCat]

Thank you for your reply Woodsgnome, it feels really good to talk to people other than my T who really understand.

I think 'reluctantly accept' is right. It doesn't feel fair but it clicked for me yesterday that this is it! This is how my life will be. We are also moving away to a different country this summer and perhaps, like you, it'll provide a natural break.

Take care

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you and no I don't take it as gloating I read it as you are finally feeling and seeing the magic of life and you aside from the trauma

I feel like that too when I write about my positive stage I am in now and I know it is that 'I shouldn't be happy ' which comes from a place that isn't real

Creativity and the deep source of life are so wonderful and to finally feel / see that is birth right

Re no contact I am 7 yrs with the mother limited contact with father
Best thing I ever did
Worked through a lot of the anger and feel in many ways I've moved on
Wish u all the best on the next phase of your recovery
Enjoy each moment - because you and I deserve

[CreativeCat]

Thank you for your kind words and warm welcome.

It's encouraging to hear how other people are pushing through and finding their authentic selves. I need to make sure I make time for creativity and spontentaity more often.

It's such a hard process to go through about contact. And I'm sorry to hear that so many people here are grappling with this issue. It's so difficult for me to come to terms with but at least I'm thinking of it now and considering choices rather than just blindly accepting my fate.

I think being here will be a huge help.

[thegirlintheattic]

Hi Cat,

I just wanted to let you know how good I feel reading you expressing your hope and optimism!  I hope that exploring your creativity proves to be a rich and enlightening experience.

[CreativeCat]

welcome girlintheattic. I read your introduction post I'm sorry to hear that you've also been going through a tough time.

Thank you for posting, it means a lot to me to feel validated when sharing my positive experiences and for it not to affect others in a negative way, as I always expect it to. I look forward to hearing more from you.