Breaking up with ED

[spookyalice]

I am now entering the last week of my inpatient eating disorder recovery. This is my second time through the program which is a year long and I have also completed two, eighteen month outpatient programs and will return for a third round of outpatient programs. Another eighteen months.

I have weaned myself of drugs and alcohol,that also took years of struggle.

I thought I would feel amazing,I thought I would be functional,I thought I would have some peace.

But I didn't, I actually felt worse.

CPTSD has devastated my life in every way,there is nothing it hasn't touched. Nothing that it hasn't destroyed.

But I am still here,it hasn't destroyed me.

[jessetwigg]

I don't know what to say to you spookyalice.
Everything I could say seems trivial (and part of my CPTSD makes it hard for me trust what I do say that it wont hurt other or anything)
Umm.. does it help to know I felt like going down that road many times but stayed away from it, it is possible to stay off/get off that road....
I wish I could help you.
Stay strong
BlackPanther

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi spooky Alice
Thank u for sharing
I share the similar  recovery story as you and am 5 yrs clean sober and after any attempts am just getting good recovery with the eating

My therapist ( specialist child trauma ) said that I've done incredibly well to get as far as I have with letting go of addictions - she said many don't
And so yes it hurts a lot to take away what we used to cope -
I feel in so many ways all the things I decided to block as a teenager ( am now 42yrs --
But I truly believe I'm on the right path now -
The addictions have to go to gain a chance of truly rebuilding ourselves and we have a real chance
So sending u all best wishes and all the best for finding your road to you

[Trees]

CPTSD has devastated my life in every way,there is nothing it hasn't touched. Nothing that it hasn't destroyed.

But I am still here,it hasn't destroyed me.

Me too, Alice, me too.  You are in the right place here.  What a fighter you are !

Keep going, Alice.  And keep coming here to OOTS.       

[VeryFoggy]

Welcome SpookyAlice, and I am so glad you took the brave leap to post. I am only newly diagnosed in March of this year, but I know CPTSD has affected me all of my life. Since I was a small child.  I am 58.

You are so brave to fight through an ED and triumph! But yes, I get that you thought you would be out of the woods, and when it turned out that all the ED was? Was a mask for something more that still needs to be addressed?  The CPTSD?  Distressing!  But I am so glad you are working through it all one step at a time.  And we are glad you are here!

Do you have a therapist for CPTSD? Have you read Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving?  The book has really a lot of information for understanding the affliction and for finding a way out of the maze.

I hope you find this forum to be a safe place for hope and healing and welcome!