New and Struggling

[LadyFinn]

I am hoping (praying) that I am in the right place and miracles really do happen. I am in so much pain and crazy emotions , I have no clue what is happening to me . I have been diagnosed with PTSD and have been off work for several months trying to "heal". So, a little about me .. it is a long long story so this is the very condenced version . I am 55 , married for 30 years and have 5 daughters. My husband had an "identity / midlife crisis / breakdown" and informed me ( out of the blue) that he did not love me, never did, has been unhappy for years and all the other "monster " blame you can imagine . I saw NONE of this coming my way . This was in may 2013 and in Aug 2013 I asked him to leave because I was dying inside. He talked about leaving , being free etc .. but never actually made the ove , so I gave him a little "push". I have never been the same. My MOTHER blamed ME . She said "no man walks away from house , kids , job etc for no reason, you must have done something and it will all come out in the wash."She implied I had an affair and he caught me and left. I could no describe the rage if I stayed here all day. She has been a problem my entire life and I have fought with her .. but she never ever heard me . No matter what I said , she said "it doesn't matter ". I think "I" didn't matter. So, zero support from my mother at a time I thought about suicide ( I lived in a state of utter shock that after bing together for of 35 years.. he was gone ) If I tried to talk to her , she insisted no one in the family "needed to know" and implied I did something to him. I did not.  He was having an affair with my friend and if betrayal is not the most painfull gutting injury .. I am not sure what is .My reactions to rejection, abandonement , shock were so extreme , so deep an injury to me .. I could not function. After 90 days out of the house, he ended his affair, got himself into entensive counselling and begs forgiveness . He wants to repair the marriage and the damage and has  been trying to do so since December 2014 . We are in weekly counselling , but I am "stuck" and in pain that sobs your very soul out , I cannot move forward , commit to staying and am consumed with anxiety and triggers  It is *. My MOTHER . Again, more trouble for me . She attacks.. she does not talk. She has never EVER had 1 spec of compassion, NEVER has hugged or been affectionate, I have never heard a compliment in my entire life and is cold , demanding ( she is the "Queen") and always angry. She called me after my husband came home. She told me ( yelled ) "you better can over it before you spoil everyones Christmas . Your face is making everyone miserable. " .She told me I was" lucky he even came back now forget about it, it doesn't matter". I told her I need someone to talk to, and she said "what in the name of God I there to talk about ?" . She told me to be HAPPY and get OVER IT . I had rage from 50 years of my mother never hearing or seeing me utterly explode . I broke my thumb, I screamed and screamed and could not stop. My husbands affair and actions felt like my mothers action.. ignoring , silence, not mattering , not have an opinion, not heard . My therapist said " your mother sounds like a narcissist ', so we explored that and sorry to say that at age 55 Ifinally know what is wrong with my mother . WOW! but the pain and the scars are so very very deep and painfull and my husband actions slaughtered me . We have been attempting to reconcile fir 18 months and still I can no make a decision abut who my husband really is and what I mean to anyone in the world . My mother is a narcissist and my  husband is a cheaer , I cannt fix this marriage due to some very severe FOO issues , His FOO issues are far far worse  I just have no clue about him or mother  . I just long to run and be alone . How do I know she is a narcissist ? And I see no ability to save this marriage . And that is  very sad sad thing . I live in rage and hurt ..
Thanks for listening .

[C.]

Hello and Welcome LadyFinn.  I am so sorry for what you've been going through.  The way that your H, your "friend", and your M have treated you is wrong.   No one should be treated in that way.  You deserve better.

And wow.  It's always validating, if sad, to hear someone's story who so closely mirrors my own.  I'm near 50, things ended w/my now ex-H after his affair and 22yrs of marriage, my family has N patterns (I think that's what they call it) so my M isn't as directly mean as yours, she's probably Cover N and has always neglected me emotionally and been available inconsistently.  I was out of work on medical leave for 5 months after our separation.  I was completely unaware and caught off guard, never thought he'd do that to me, not once, never had that thought in 20 years. 

Initially I was a nervous wreck and only found peace when separate from him, that's still true 3 years after our separation.  I saw him today (we parent together) and it was painful.  It's just still painful.  I'm not sure that will ever go away.  But I noticed that for the first time in 3+ years I'm really not thinking about him or the situation much any longer.  I'm thinking about me, my kids, my work, etc.  It's like a weight lifted.  A mental weight.

Every situation is different.  I share w/you my experience mostly because I felt better with the validation of other similar experiences when all of this happened to me. 

Again, welcome.  I believe that you will find some much needed and well-deserved support and compassion here at OOTS.  It took courage and awareness for you to reach out here.  Thank you for sharing your story.  I'm interested.

[Trees]

Hi LadyFinn, your dreadful mother sounds just like mine!  The same blaming and mean spirit all the time.  Utterly indifferent when I was suicidal.  Always unwilling to listen.

Fortunately, my mother is dead now, though of course she continues to haunt and torment me.

Your journey sounds extremely difficult.  LadyFinn, you do matter!  Your feelings matter.  Your preferences matter, and your comfort and peace of mind.  You deserve respect and courtesy and support and love.   You deserve a place to scream out your pain.

I am glad you found this site.  There are many people here with similar experiences.  There are many resources available, a great deal of information.  We are here to support each other in our journeys through such difficult situations.

I send you a hug      .   Please take as good care of yourself as possible, because you do deserve it.

[siouxzenbird]

I also identify with your experiences.  I have no income, applying for SSI and denied unemployment, and left work for medical and mental health.  I worked with cold nasty people and ended a horrible relationship.  I'm here now because a friend I don't even care about that much won't respond to my calls or emails for no reason I can think of and all  the sudden.  She was supposed to cut my hair, then silence.  This relationship means very little to me.  Obviously triggering the stuff though.  Feel like no one understands or wants to understand my struggle. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hello there
Thank you for sharing ...
When I read up on bpd ( borderline personality disorder ) one day I felt like something hit me - all that I read fitted my mother -
I suddenly realised its not me it's her - she is very sick
So I'd suggest doing research/ reading and see what type of pd ( personality disorder fits )
It was a huge relief to me to have a name for a collection of attitudes and behaviours that had been displayed towards me -
The messages I received were basically - 'your not good enough ' 'you are wrong' ' don't express yourself ' ' you are unloveable' ' I hate you ' and I'm sure others but that gives a general flavour -
And just as you described no affection / hug /
No empathy -
If a mother is what we are describing they have to be mentally disturbed it goes against human nature to hate your children and give no validation / love
Whatever it's called - it's very damaging for the receiver - it has taken me many many yrs of recovery work and I feel now I'm making good progress -
I'm not diagnosed with c PTSD but I fit the criteria and am now seeing a child trauma specialist

The single best thing I have done in my life is go nc ( no contact ) with said mother - it is 7 yrs now -
I have done work through the 12 step programmes and genuinely do not feel hate towards her anymore I just seemed to have reached a place of neutrality and peace

Re partner cheating - I don't have experience of this but I can empathise what a difficult place to be in - I have heard some people fix things and move on but I don't know how that is done -
What I have learnt along the way that is in spite of others comments / opinions deep inside I know what is right for me and I believe we all have that ability to know what is right for us
Protecting yourself sounds like a good place for you to be in right now

I wish u all the best on your recovery journey

[PaintedBlack]

Hi LadyFinn,
Welcome. Your mother is not helping you. This must be a terrible time and being married so long, now having to go through this emotional nightmare alone. If you want to make the marriage work (assume you do because you are in therapy with him), I hope you get through it and your marriage is stronger. I hope you consider limiting contact with your mother. And also getting personal individual therapy for yourself, which could help you understand and have confidence that your mom has serious issues of her own. Those are hers to deal with, and you have your own family and children to take care of. Do whatever it takes to take care of your own. It's ok to protect yourself from situations that further undermine your ability to survive. You can make it.

Find friends who will support you, if you're mom won't.  Posting here is a part of that! I know too well the agony of going back to mom looking for love, countless times, and never receiving it. I wish you the very very best, that you will find the peace and strength to make it through this, and end up in an emotionally safe situation for you and your kids. 

[LadyFinn]

I am so thankfull for the responses . I need to understand why I reacted sooo incredibly destroyed when my husband had his own "midlife meltdown".. to the point of experiencing the deepest screaming out loud pain and a suicide attempt... extreme reaction to him saying he no longer loved me and wanted to leave etc    I am aware that this would be painfull for any women ... but for me , I was destroyed and begged t0 "die".....that cannot be eve remotely "normal"...Someone tell me,,, what is wrong with me ?

[Dyess]

Ladyfinn you are hurt, deeply and maybe even scared. Given the situation I think part was normal. Talking this out and talking with others that have gone through something like this will help a lot, just to know you are not alone and you are not. Trust is hard to repair, when it is totally shattered. But if you love him, maybe it can be repaired. Either way you are probably going to always wonder what the right decision was. Good luck my friend and I hope you find happiness.

[LadyFinn]

Thank you Trace... I o belive that I love my husband deep down under all this emotional pain. I have just completed a 56 day in house trearment for PTSD and they relate my reactions to my husband behaving like my narcissistic mother  .. just a bullseye hit on extreme FOO issues . Who knew ? He acted just like her for a time period of 8 months . They are correct and I have found my "pain"... but I am so stuck with triggers , intrusive thoughts , reactivity ... it is hellish. I knew my husbands affair "person"...so ther is no guessing what she looks like etc... I can see them in my mind and I was not there , obviously. He is doing all he can do to repair the damage .. I fer I will never overcome this pain.

[arpy1]

LadyFinn, just want to send my support to you, you are in so much pain. but inspite of all the terrible stuff, you're doing the work, trying to learn and grow, even if it feels awful.. i respect that. i know it is so hard. keep going and try to keep your head up. things do get better, slowly, bit by bit, honest.  thinking of you

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hello ladyfinn
Your story is very similar to my own...
All that you say about your mother I can say that too ... It has been a journey of healing and getting to know who I really am and that has taken time - I now have been nc ( no contact for 7yrs) and it has been such the right decision to do this for myself.. It was however a decision I took due to being at my wits end and the rage inside of me being so ferocious I was scared what I was capable of ... That was my rock bottom - after yrs of me having a poor mental health ( symptom of cptsd ) and feeling so worthless and alone - having problems in relationships -
I got out and haven't looked back. I diagnosed her as having bpd but it isn't offical.. I'm not sure we ever know for certain what bracket our sick parents fit into ( unless they have a psychiatric assessment - but for me it has helped me understand and put things into perspective -
Books and the Internet have been my sources ..
Today I am pleased to say I don't harbour any anger towards her I seemed to have healed enough to have moved on..
I am even going up to stay with my father soon for a wk end and I can't believe I have finally stopped living in the fear that has been holding me back from the rare chance she will glean some info about me or we will see each other - I finally feel neutral enough to have clear boundaries and say 'no' it is too toxic for us both - no interaction please
With regard to your situation have the real hope that you can feel better and learn how to do that -
I know for me relationships have taken me away from myself and undealt issues - sounds as if you are coming to a place to be there for you and start to find that compassion for you that is often lacking for us with cptsd -
I have to say at 42 yrs this is the first year when I truly feel I am making good headway to being more functional
I wish you all the best on your recovery and know that anger is a very real indicator of just how being mistreated is really not acceptable to us

[Boatsetsailrose]

Apologies I realised I already had replied to your post and have posted again !

[Shattered]

LadyFinn, I made my first post just now before reading yours from yesterday.  Reading what you wrote brought tears to my eyes.  It is so similar to what I've been going through.  I was a therapist, but am utterly flummoxed by what has happened to me.  I have done tons of therapy in the last year and a half, much of which has made things worse for me....I've been called a co-addict, addicted to suffering, made to feel like I'm the sick one while my husband looks like he's growing and healthy.  Horse pucky! He's got narcissistic tendencies among other personality disorder traits, and has made me look like the bad guy or defective one throughout our marriage.  I know I have some trauma from my childhood, but until recently no therapist I saw believed that I DID NOT EVER HAVE THESE HELLACIOUS SYMPTOMS BEFORE, in 59 years.  My descent into * was caused 100% by his gas lighting, lying, coercion, manipulation, and utter betrayal of me. The human being I attached to and believed to be my lifelong soulmate turns out to be my tormentor and perpetrator.  Only recently have I begun to stop blaming myself, and realizing I am NOT DEFECTIVE. I was helped by reading Omar Minwalla's article called "Thirteen Dimensions of Sex Addiction-Induced Trauma," which you can search and find online.  I'm so saddened to hear of your extreme distress, but you are not alone.  I'm in * too.  And I know there are others with a similar story.  The sex-addiction treatment community is slowly evolving to realize the sometimes devastating impact on partners.  Yes, most of us have had early attachment wounds/trauma, or we wouldn't have gravitated to partners with intimacy disorders....but the devastation of this kind of betrayal is largely misunderstood.  I'm hoping we hear from others who know this soul-destroying *, and am praying the support here might shine light on a path to recovery.

[Dyess]

Welcome Shattered, I'm sorry you have to be here but glad you are. I hope you can find some answers and support here.