I'm new

[tiggerd2]

Hi. Today I was diagnosed with CPTSD. I feel as though I'm starting all over again from the very beginning. As probably most, my childhood wasn't healthy or happy. My dad is NP. I'm afraid to look at the rest of my family because I was the reason for everyone's awful life. I married a SP/NP who is a psychotherapist. Luckily he found someone new after about 9 yrs, unfortunately she was his patient at the time.
My brain knows too much because I'm a nurse who works in the medical unit of a psych hospital. I was able to look at things "clinically" and thought it was good enough. This held me for 10 yrs since my divorce. An incident with my dad crashed through my "clinical wall". I guess that was good but I already was hurting and then I realized why. I didn't work through the feelings part. It was easy to shut everyone out of my life. I don't trust my ability to recognize if someone is a safe/nice person. So I'm left without a support system. - except my cat.   
Thank you, I'm ready to learn and grow.

[woodsgnome]

Hi, tiggerd2,

I've looked at both your posts, and note via your story something I've gone through--I think I reach a certain stage of recovery, walk further down the road, and realize--I left a lot of help back there (like the books you mentioned in your 2nd post), and now I wish I hadn't. And I don't have a support system anymore.

So you've established the "now" starting point. Really, it's what we all have to do, it seems. That may sound like another silly old advice crumb, but I've had to relearn it several times.

Arriving "without a support system", as you say, is more than a tad scary; the "just give up" line tries to lure us over the edge, but then we reach out, and here you are. So--WELCOME.

We've wandered into this support system from a lot of different trails. But now that we're here, it's become each of our "now" starting points, I guess. I feel overwhelmed much of the time, but still trying to fight off the doubts, fears, and low self-esteem (and low self-compassion) to see where the new "now" trail goes.

On post #2, you regretted all the books you threw out. I thought I'd thrown out one I had a long time ago; one that I thought was nice but too silly, and moved on to the more "serious" tomes. But in my tons of books, I didn't see the silly one where I thought it might be, so gave up looking for it.

So the other day, I discovered it hadn't been thrown out, and was sitting on a shelf like it was saying "gimme me another look, fella". So I did. And I still found parts a little silly, but not off-putting anymore, and I wanted/needed some silliness anyway. It had some really cute drawings--many show the evil-looking gremlin (your inner critic) analyzing your every move while you learn to ignore him.

Here I am yapping on when I haven't mentioned the book's title, which is...TAMING YOUR GREMLIN, by Richard D. Carson, 1983, but reprinted since). The premise of the book boils down to 3 points: simply notice, choose and play with options, and be in process.

Good to see you here, tiggerd2. Look around and play with options. The past isn't prologue, as I hear too often...it's past. Oh, and my cat is also a core part of my "support" system.

[arpy1]

wilkommen, tiggerd2! just started doing this thing myself, as like you i have no support network having gotten rid of all the unhealthy relationships in my life (bit drastic but needful) and being unable to discern safe people either. (Ex-cult survivor and abusive marriage survivor etc)

it can become addictive, i think, this forum thing, becos here are people who 'get it'. such a relief when you have been alone for ages.

anyway, if it's any encouragement, i had a friend once who is a psych nurse who went thru a big depressive episode, and the impact for good that it had on her as a nurse was amazing. so maybe the same will happen for you, and in the end maybe that will be an upside to the crashing thru your wall. small comfort now, but you never know.

anyway, would count it an honour to be part, with your cat, of your support network. big hug in the meantime

[tiggerd2]

Thank you to you both.
When I threw out my books, I put them in piles and walked them to my big garbage bin the city picks up. I can remember the bin was only filled with my books instead of my trash. The spiteful, frustrated, angry me threw away information which can help me.  I decided I was done with that part of my life. It's interesting I kept "People of the Lie".

I worked on my parent's abuse. I thought/hoped I worked through it all--not close. Not the insidious abuse of my parents and sisters. Not the snarl.

It feels like I've been trying to work through pain all my life.

I do/don't have a support system, my parents live a mile away. My mom is cold. She protects my dad at all costs with her toxic, nasty comments. My dad, NP, has no boundaries- physical, emotional, sexual. I really thought I worked through this. I really hoped and prayed I worked through this.

I believe I'm here for a reason. I read the posts and feel like-gosh, I know that feeling.
I guess there was a reason why I didn't let myself see and feel all the pain before. I was waiting to find a safe place.

The only thing I really hold onto is I am a good nurse. My sisters tried to take that away. That's the part of me who I protect at all costs.
I think she's going to help me and hold me.

This will be my safe place and my nurse will help and guide me through it. - I hope.

[arpy1]

 

[Trees]

Yes, tiggard2, your nurse self will help you and hold you and guide you.  Her wisdom and compassion will surround you and protect you.

And this will be your safe place.          

[tiggerd2]

Trees- oh my gosh you have no clue how much your words touched my heart.
That's the best sign of hope I think I ever have had in my life.
I have no words enough to say thank you. 

[Trees]

Thank you for your very touching reply, tiggerd2.  Tears in my eyes, really.
What a sweet soul you have.   

[tiggerd2]

Trees:
Thank you.

Woodgnome: I'm going to check out the book

arpy1: my cat is on my lap and purring. She seems to like you company

Everyone: Wow. Thank you

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hello Tiggerd 2
Thank you for sharing
You just told my story almost down to a tee
I have just come out of a 4 yr relationship - don't know what category he fits into but not healthy -
And me - dysfunctional family lots of work on self but not cracking it - addictions - repeat of same old relationships .... Lack of emotional integration with a crushing low self worth and boundary problems
Until NOW - worked with child trauma therapist so great to start finding my integrity - someone who 'gets it' - to really start working with my internal and external world
I work as a psych nurse too ! Funny that
So with my addictions in check - a support system and my new found freedom I feel for the first time I may just be actually walking free -- am I ?? Please God say I am

I really relate to what u say
Quote ' I don't trust my ability to recognise if someone is a safe / nice person !!
I have spent the last couple of years isolated. I got to the point where the patterns of the people I gravitated towards was just getting rediculous ie people who take / boundary issues / don't care for me - really . I felt totally helpless and it fed into my shame and feeling like I was a bad person .
So whilst the protection of myself was good - I could contain my energy and boundaries ( walls ) I felt a deep sense of abnormalness and black sheep ...
I can see now I was beating myself up for a situation that I was forced to through my dysfunctional background ..
With the help of therapist and 12 step programmes I have been able to tentatively start opening out - unlearning my belief system - emotional regulation and worthiness .. Feeling feelings of guilt when I think about my needs and doing it anyway ... Learning to not be absorbed in others worlds ( energetically and emotionally - learning what I like and actioning it ( in spite of feeling uncomfortable and learning to show who I really am
Today is the first day -- for so so long I can't remember where I was walking down the street saying 'I'm happy with me and my life and the direction it is looking in..

Cptsd is so erosive and its work to work through the layers - support and the right support has/ is essential
I'm so grateful for this forum and the ability to connect with others and we be supportive to each other - an absolute god send -
May the start of your new healing journey be affirming for you and may you keep your face to the sun even in dark times -
Recovery is where we are now