Feeling testy

[Widdiful Falling]

Anyone else ever had one of those times when your anxiety spikes, and you just want to rage at everything until you calm down? I'm having one of those couple days.

I opened up to my roommate yesterday about just how terrifying it was to grow up with my M. He was appalled. It helped a lot, because I was having one of those moments when I thought it was all in my head, and nothing that bad happened. Now, I'm quite sure again that what I went through was quite traumatic, and I'm angry. How could someone try to destroy their child like that, in the name of love, of all things?

I don't have any outlet for my rage right now (I'm at work), so I'm being prickly. I'm trying not to be, but I really want to curl up in the dark and I'm sure it shows.

[stillhere]

Yes!  I don't have much of an "outer critic" in the sense Pete Walker discusses, but my inner critic is alive and well, sadly.  It's very good at maintaining silence with just about everyone in my life.  And sometimes I wish it had done better, because not everyone is as understanding or sympathetic as your roommate just was.  I've had people use against me, publicly, the information I shared. 

But when someone either gets it or even just listens and expresses concern or outrage, . . .  I am always greatly relieved.  A few understanding friends have populated the positive part of my life for a long time now.  And the  very few who met -- and witnessed -- my M's behavior have made an enormous difference.

I commend you for having the courage to tell your roommate.  With someone at close range, a different response would have been very hard to take.

But I don't know about rage (apart from my M's).  I think I should have more.

[serkinglight]

I'm glad you feel vindicated in your feelings by your roommate expressing proper outrage at how you were treated!!
If there weren't good cause to be raging, you wouldn't be!
I don't know what to say about what happens with rage like this over the long haul--still trying to figure that out myself.
If i come across anything helpful, I'll let you know, and you do the same, okay?

[Widdiful Falling]

I'll do that. Thank you.

[arpy1]

have to say i really know what you mean;

for a respectable (well, not that respectable if i am totally honest)  supposedly christian (well, not so much now) lady (well, not so much, ever)of approaching sixty, my language is... what shall we say, 'inappropriate'?  i rage around in the house, find myself using words (mostly at myself) i forgot i knew (i actually learnt from my kids and some of em they had to explain to me after i told em off for using them )

it's just that the anger has nowhere to go, do you find? i had a little cry this morning becos i realised again that no one will ever apologise for what they did to me, becos they firmly believe i was the 'wrong' one.  that makes me angry and there's a bit of me that wants some kind of vindication or validation for the things that happened. it makes me angry that it will never happen.  does that make sense?

when i still had my studio i could go and thump some clay around, but now i just have to go wear myself out at the gym or something.
have you got anything you could go and get really physical at? it might help?

[Widdiful Falling]

Yeah, that makes sense. I'm sorry no one has apologized. That's tough. Unfortunately, in our lives, closure is sometimes not an option. We all, as humans, have this way of thinking, that life, or parts of life have a beginning, middle, and end. It's not a bad thing, to have a personal narrative. It's just one tool the human race has learned to use to make sense of the world. However, it leaves people like us, who have suffered harm, wanting, because there is no justice a lot of the time. We're used to seeing it in movies, books, and TV, and when reality leaves off open-ended, it's hard to cope.

I spar a lot to blow off steam. Yesterday, I was feeling really adrenalized, so that's what I did before bed. It doesn't really help at work, though, since throwing punches and kicks at coworkers is rather frowned upon in polite society.   

[arpy1]

yeh, i hear you, it's the same for respectable middle aged ladies desiring fervently to exit their cars and do colourful and probably violent road rage at the (admittedly Totally Mindless) other drivers who have the gall to use the road at the same time as her... it's ok, i didn't actually do it.

you're right about the closure thing. it is really hard. ho hum. i spose that's why we need each other's support here, to validate and empathise with each other. maybe in the end it'll be inside ourselves that we do the endings of the stories. i am finding this forum really helps even if it involves feeling a bit vulnerable. at least it's fairly anonymous.

hope you feel calmer soon.