Hamster Wheel

[LittleMermaid]

Hi all,

I've been part of another online forum which has helped me feel less alone but it isn't as specific as this forum and I can never get fully personal there.
The few threads I've read in this fog had me in tears of recognition.

So, a little bit about me:
- Was sexually abused from ? to 12 years of age my my NPD father. He hasn't been officially diagnosed by I am convinced.
- My mother sacrificed her happiness for us all to get along. She was as afraid of dad as my brothers and I were.
- I just assumed I was a wierdo until I saw a professional a few years ago when peering over the edge of suicide contemplation. It had never once occurred to me that my upbringing had so thoroughly damaged me - I hadn't a clue that these things were linked to the extent that they are/were.
- Did lots and lots of reading and recognised EVERYTHING. Such relief that who I seemed to be was a healthy response to an unhealthy situation and not that I was simply a weirdo.
- Discussed with mum. She claims to not know what to think but her actions tells me she believes dad's denial.
- Discussed with dad - total, utter denial. He and mum are still together. I am out, the crazy, lying black sheep. Fortunately my brothers believe me but they are more willing to accept the hypocrisy and see mum and dad regularly, or perhaps they are still afraid and haven't been pushed to the edge in the same way as me. One of my brothers is screwed up in exactly the same way as I am, though he says he was never sexually abused. We were definitely all emotionally abused.
- I know my issues aren't sorted yet as I have problems with working too much, eating excessively when stressed (which is basically daily) and just general trouble holding my life together.
- My parents are so screwed up because they are part of a family legacy that is passed from generation to generation. They never had the resources that are available to me and still I am unable to figure out how to escape. I don't think they stood a chance.
- I am nearly 40 and want children but am afraid to have them before my issues are sorted out, lest I be part of creating this pain in a new generation.
- Time is short and my partner is very keen for kids. I pretend I don't care but I do. I want children but am frightened as I can barely look after myself and the last thing I want to do is pass this on to the next generation.

[Dutch Uncle]

Welcome LittleMermaid. 

How horrible it is, all the abuse that was inflicted on you. 
You've come a long way, and I hope you will share with us on the journey you are traveling now.
How brave of you to have confronted mom and dad, even though it didn't bring what you hoped for. That's so hard.
It's heartwarming your brothers believe you, and even though they appear to be wanting to stay closer to your parents than you can, you do have them on your side as well.

I commend you for first wanting to feel more comfortable with raising a kid, even though it's obviously a hard choice for you to make at this moment. But it looks like you are most comfortable with the decision to postpone it for now, so I wish you peace-of-mind with that while you work on your issues, as you've put it.
I think it's a noble thing to do in your life.

See you!

[LittleMermaid]

Thanks Dutch Uncle. I'm a bit embarrassed re-reading over my first post. It was a bit of a gut spill!
I wasn't looking for sympathy; if there's one thing I've learned so far, it's that it could easily have been much worse. I do very much appreciate your kind words though!.

[woodsgnome]

I hope you can be alright with the "gut spill". It sounds like you have some justified spilling. Many of us feel embarrassed but there's a point when the nice facades we'd all like to project spill over. Sounds,and is, awful; but if it doesn't spill it hurts all the more inside.     

You brought up the fear of passing on what you've experienced as a family legacy. I've read quite a bit lately on how genetics isn't a good predictor, or at least a sure one, of what really happens in any family line. It's not that robotic, there are too many variables, in biological terms but especially the emotional realm.

Your awareness of the very legacy you're afraid to pass on may actually be a big asset in considering whether or not to chase your real dreams. You expressed it well when you said that you: "Did lots and lots of reading and recognised EVERYTHING. Such relief that who I seemed to be was a healthy response to an unhealthy situation."

You recognized the legacy, but now you could be the turning point in that heritage, it seems. Who you are has already moved beyond to the next step. The wishes and dreams are always yours, regardless of any legacy that can be left where it belongs...back along the trail. Legacies are past events, period.

I always liked this saying: The Past is a Foreign Country. You don't live there. Anyone can choose to hold on, of course; but it may not be good for who we really are--someone who sees a new way, and it looks pretty good, so we forge our own way ahead. We've doubts, fears, but also knowledge that we truly can find our own path. It might be a truer legacy than the one we thought we were doomed to repeat.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Little mermaid
Thank u for sharing
Yes I identify with the relief when realising the extent of the life I'd had and the effects coming from it - not that I am a bad person ..
I now like to think of myself as the white sheep

I too have had problems over long period of 'ism' alcohol, food, work, perfection, spending, people.
In the past few months I have been free from addictive eating through 12 step programme -
It's been/ is amazing and I have been given a new life . I've learnt that it was but a symptom to a deeper problem and was hindering my life so much -
Emotional coping has taken me a long time to start to master but it is now starting to happen

I wish u all the best on your recovery journey
This forum is so valuable for me

[arpy1]

hi LittleMermaid, i was interested to read what you say about tears of recognition, the stuff i've read on this forum really resonates, even tho my experience of longterm abuse mainly occurred from 18yrs on, in a cult and in an abusive marriage. seems like all the things i thought were just me being crazy are actually genuine and experienced by other people. the pain i live in is not unique and therefore there must be hope for me too.  that is a very powerful thing.

also i know what you feel about the kids thing. i think you're brave and wise.

i have two, and some days i feel so guilty i brought them into the world  - and they both have experienced loads of stuff i would have rather protected them from. i guess what holds me is that i always knew that while i could maybe protect them from inheriting my own hangups, they would still grow their own set, becos everyone does. 

however, what i could do, and did do to the best of my ability, was to equip them with the tools they would need to survive, and grow through, those hangups; love, integrity, empathy, honesty, emotional intelligence; all those qualities that i find in spades amongst the people who post here, in fact.

you expressed it well ' a healthy response to an unhealthy situation.'  we might not be able to totally protect them from unhealthy situations, but at least they'll have the wherewithal for making healthy responses.

i think those are the things that make people great, not what they inherit, nor even what they experience. so maybe if you ever do decide to go for the parenting thing, take heart, you'd probably be a wise and compassionate parent.

anyway that's my twopenn'orth for what it's worth. loads of respect to you, it's hard to do what you have done, in speaking the truth to people who want to hold on to the fiction that 'everything's fine'. you're the better person for it.