Fear

[glbreed]

I've lived all of my adult life with the fear that something horrible is going to happen to me.  This fear has destroyed romantic relationships and friendships throughout my life.  From what I have read on this site and the book I am reading, I understand that when I am experiencing this fear I am living in the past. 

My Baptist minister father told me once that god was going to kill someone in our church in the month of October of that year because they turned to sin and away from him. He would not tell me who it was.  I was terrified because I believed it was me.  Similar scenarios played out over my childhood with my father singling me out as the child who he told his dark prophecies to. He would put me in the car and drive and would tell me how god was angry and how he was going to destroy the world during our lifetime.  I believed my father completely.

This coming Monday I am meeting for the first time with a psychiatrist who specializes in cognitive therapy.  My current psychiatrist diagnosed me with Bi-Polar disorder ten years ago but I never believed I was or am.

I'm a 50 year old man and I'm sitting here at work shaking like a child.  My boss and co-workers are not aware of it because I'm hiding it.  I'm tired of hiding it.  I want it to go away. 

[arpy1]

i am so sorry you feel like this today, glbreed. i have lived with deep fear all my life and i know how debilitating it can be. and how hard it is to feel safe.

good grief, it sounds like your dad gave you lots of things to be afraid of.  that is an appalling thing to do to a kid! no wonder you are still feeling so afraid. who wouldn't?

i wish i could tell you i have it all fixed, but i don't so i can't send you much in the way of inspiration for dealing with it, except trying to be as kind to yourself about it as you can. all i can really say is i get it, and i support you. sending you a big 

[KayFly]

glbreed,

I totally feel this. I lived in a safe zone for a long time, and i do not like the feeling that life is passing me by. That's for sure.

I am taking this Improvisation Class, and its SO TERRIFYING! But I am learning in the class, that like, in the class (but also relative to life) you always mess up and do something stupid and silly, and sometimes feel stupid, or have to play it off like you're totally cool, even though you are mortified of what just happened.

I'm learning to be terrified, and just do it anyways, because it feels better in the end. And I can't tell you how much joy it's brought to my life.

Pete Walker talks about that "feel the fear and do it anyway" mentality. it's hard when there is something inside of you that is making you feel so afraid, maybe thoughts? Inner critic telling you you can't do it?

Sometimes I just listen to my thoughts, and I'm like, "no you're wrong. I can do that." Because my head constantly is like "Don't say that, don't post that, no one cares  blah blah blah"...So I just have to tell my head to shut up so I can move forward.

That's just what has worked for me. Its easier said than done, but you are not alone

And welcome

[woodsgnome]

There's an old acronym that often comes to mind when I see or hear about fear (my own included). Take the letters spelling the word  fear and think of them this way:

F---fantasy
E---expressed
A---as
R---reality

Having a fantasy is just a storyline that can be rewritten. It has no real bearing on the final  outcome. There's room to play with options, and as one moves forward the fictional fantasy that was so frightening just fades away. The only prob is what often gets said here--that's easier said than done. Fantasy is pretty alluring.

How the fear was planted, in your case, was and is painful, but you needn't focus there anymore. You've turned the corner, and while the father and his angry deity might show up in the rear-view mirror, they're no longer in the car with you; now you're the only driver, headed towards your heart's desires. 

Sure it's scary, but you've made a good start by what you've shown via your sharing here and arranging to see the psychiatrist next week. Congratulations on finding the new road; enjoy the trip, and remember, your friends on this forum support you all the way.

[arpy1]

p.s. glbreed, have you ever read The Body Keeps The Score  by Bessel van der Kolk?  it really helped me with this particular difficulty. helped me see that it wasn't that i was foolishly living in the past    but that, becos of what was done to me, my brain and my physiology was changed to being on constant alert. 

and that
a) it has never been my fault
and
b) i could do stuff to change it, and literally fix the bits in my head that got screwed

(that highly technical interpretation is the best i can do. he explains it very much more intelligently!!)

[stillhere]

Perhaps for those of us who had to focus on survival -- to survive, that is -- fear can become an over-riding emotion?  At least that's what I've been thinking lately.  Yes, it may well be neurologically wired after so much repetition.  The question is how to rewire the system.

My understanding is that van der Kolk pretty much disparages cognitive therapy for CPTSD (or whatever it might be called).  The idea is that symptoms, like fear, are generated below the level of conscious thought.  So I'll be interested in what this new psychiatrist has to say.

Meanwhile, glbreed, I hope you find some peace, least away from the intense fear for a while.