Escaped a 10 year controlling and abusive relationship

[Misunderstood3815]

My name is Amber, I am 38 years old, living in San Diego and have two kids. Makaylah 7, and Devin 14. I left my boyfriemd of 10 years because he was very controlling, verbally abusive and physically abusive. I have attempted to leave him several times but he always managed to get me back. I was always afraid of what he would do if i were to leave. He had no boundries. He got me fired from work because he would call my co workers, he would harass my family members, break my phones, tell me what to wear, moniter my online school and got me kicked out of school. He would verbally abuse me, tell me what to wear where to go, he would slap me in my sleep, poor water on me in my sleep. Keep me and my daughter awake all night. I couldnt take it anymore and left to a domestic violence shelter. When i left there i went out with horrible people, started using drugs, prostituting, and my daughter and son are ataying with my mom. I am homeless sometimes i stay with a boyfriend who sells drugs, and sometimes i go back to prostitution. Ive been arrested twice for shiplifting and i am so lost i dont know what to do.  I am severly depressed i cant even handle the simplist task. I feel guilt and shame and i miss my kids. The court hasnt taken them, i let them stay at my moms until i become well. I feel like its hopess and i used to work at a great job, had a degree, car apt. And just like that this man took it away. He still to this day harrasses me any way he can. I cant live at home until im better. Im so scared ill never have the strength to get my life together.

[Hima]

hang in there. Things can get better. Takes a lot of hard work.

hima

[Dutch Uncle]

Welcome Misunderstood3815,

What a horrible abuse you have had to endure.  And I'm sorry to hear that your boyfriend still harasses you to this day. That is a horrible thing to do of him, and it has to stop. Is there any way you can get help with that?
You already made the brave move to go away from this controlling man, and by your description that must have been a * of a job to pull off, so: Well Done, Misunderstood  .
It does seem to me that you yourself don't like the environment you're in, with the drugs and the prostitution you engage in. I hope and wish you can find the same strength you had when you escaped from your boyfriend to leave this environment, of which you speak with so much dread. You are clearly not a 'Happy Hooker', and no surprise: there are few. I don't frown upon you, I only say that because to me it sounds this is clearly not the path you want to continue on.
I commend you for putting your kids in the safe care of your mother. I understand it's hard for you and you miss them, but you're giving them the best care you can provide for them at the moment. 

Are there any agencies or shelters that could provide you with care? Can people from the Domestic Violence Centre aid you (a different one perhaps than last time)? Is there any way you could get treatment for your depression? Are there any centers for drugs abuse you could go to?
Is there any family left you could turn to, apart from your mom? Old friends perhaps? Have you tried to re-establish contact with any of the people that your ex estranged from you? Have you contacted any old employers?

for reaching out, it's a good step to get away from the environment you're in now. You know your life has been different from what it's now, with a job and all else you had build up. You can do and have that again.

Take care of yourself, your worth it!
Dutch Uncle.

[arpy1]

Hey misunderstood3815.  wanted to add my welcome to this site.  you sound like a woman of courage to me, even tho you probly feel like that's the last thing you can be. 

but to get away from that guy took courage. to send your kids to your mum to look after till you are better, well, i think, that took even more courage. that is seriously a hard thing to do. Respect to you.

so anyway, what i am trying to say is that you are strong. and strength like that isn't going to go away as you start on the upwards struggle of reclaiming your life from all the abuse you suffered. people on this site remind me to take small steps rather than to try and do it all at once. hard to hear but worth listening to.

all i can do is echo what Dutch Uncle advises, to try and get somewhere safe where you can receive the help you need. i have no idea what is available where you are.  meantime, tho, we are here, supporting you and rooting for you to get thro this horrible time and get well.  loads of 

[stillhere]

Misunderstood3815, you have much courage to come as far as you have.  And you have clearly described what you've been facing.  So congratulations for the progress you've made.

I mostly want to echo what others have said:  whatever support services you can find should be helpful now.  A shelter, in particular, should keep you safe and help you access counseling.  The process is far from smooth, but with shelter support, you may be able to find housing, eventually, and assistance with employment.  Expressing the same clear goals that your post conveyed, you can at least learn about what's available.

Your journey is a hard one.  But you've had a better life, and you will have one again.

[Lifecrafting]

Hello Misunderstood3815,
Reading your post, I can't help but think that you have reached that place within yourself that says: "I've had enough. NO  MORE."
I am glad you found this forum ~ so glad you are here! 

Im so scared ill never have the strength to get my life together.

Dutch Uncle offered many good ideas towards gaining some ground; if you can find just one thing to do today that helps you feel better about you and your ability to create the changes you want in your life, that is the thing to do!

It's a new day. Welcome!