Forgotten

[Sandstone]

Im heartbroken that BOTH my parents have forgotten my sons birthday today. I know i am LC with them but surely im not expecting too much?  Its not my job to remind them is it? Hes 10 they should remember by now.

[Three Roses]

No, it's not your job to remind them. But they may have the impression from your LC that you don't want them to be involved? Idk, just guessing here.

[sanmagic7]

i don't think it's your job to remind them, either.  this isn't between you and them, but between them and their grandkid.  they have a relationship with him that is outside their relationship with you.  it does make me feel bad, tho, for both you and your son. 

[Sandstone]

Yeah i did think it might be because im not in contact as much too but m still sends the odd text and i reply so it wouldn't have been out of her way to acknowledge. I saw d today but i didn't mention sons birthday as i shouldn't have had to. Maybe that was wrong of me. I just wanted to see if he'd remembered.

I eventually text them both saying i cant believe they forgot. M replied saying she was very sorry sorry she has had a lot on her plate as her h is going into hospital tomorrow  (she doesnt give a damn about h usually ) she said she'd give him some money and hope he forgives her.
D came straight to my house and said he felt ashamed and was so sorry and gave gs some money. D even gave me a hug and he never does that.

I feel bad for my son even tho he didn't mention anything. I also feel bad that iv left them both feeling guilty. 

[sanmagic7]

personally, sandstone, i don't think their guilt belongs to you, but to them.  i'm glad your dad came over and felt bad, did what he could for your son to make up for it.  and, that hug sounds like a bonus.  yay!  your mom simply made excuses.  again, that sounds like what she did is on her, not on you.    i'm not trying to badmouth your folks, just putting down in writing how i'm seeing it.  all in all, i don't think you did anything wrong!   you simply brought something to their attention.  what they do with it, how they feel about it is on them.  besides, you were being a good mom to your son.  that's really important.  i think you did good!

[Sandstone]

Thank you Sanmagic for the reassurance i needed.
My m has since text askin if there is something wrong as i seem a bit off!  I said yes of course im a bit off, she forgot my sons bday.
She said that i dont text her as much anymore and that i would have reminded her had i been in touch!  Lol so its my fault?

I told her it wasnt my job to remind her and that shes jad ten yrs to remember.
Then she came with the expected. ..she is ill and sorry for being absent minded and am i telling my d all of this too or is it just her. Victim mode. I just ignored that.
She wants me to take my son up so she can apologise and give him some money.
I know she will say sorry 'adam' i forgot ur bday but gf is ill and i was too worried about him.
I dont want her to say that so am gonna suggest she just says sorry she is late and happy belated bday.
Thanks for listening sanmagic 

[sanmagic7]

you're more than welcome, sandstone.

and good luck trying to orchestrate your mom's speech to your son.  i hope she sticks to your guidelines about it.  i've gotten to intensely dislike excuses that others make (or trying to turn it back onto you) for not following through with something that's their responsibility.   in the end, i hope it works out well for your son.  with you all the way on this.   big hug!

[Wife#2]

Sandstone, I went through a similar situation with my Mom because I'm LC with both. Only my mom lives in town, Dad and stepmom live states away.

Dad remembered and sent a gift card inside a personalized birthday card - their trademark since buying the card-making software. He keeps a calendar on his computer and in his living room.

Mom would not have known if I hadn't called her for him. I gave up years ago that my M would invest in knowing about my life and doing anything about it. She has no idea that Dad does the cards, gifts, calls even if I'm LC with him. It's not my job to tell her or to placate her if she feels guilty after forgetting. It's not YOUR job, either! These are adults, why would YOU be responsible for managing their time? Memory? Responsibilities? Nope, that's their job.

It's also NOT your job to remind or placate your parents for the guilt they brought on themselves. Their G/S  just turned 10. If a decade can pass and they haven't bothered writing it on a calendar then that is completely on them.

I'm an emotional mess and my memory is shot lately, but I refuse to forget important dates like birthdays. I'm shaky on anniversaries, but when I remember, I add them to my various calendars. That's what grown-ups do!

[Sandstone]

you're more than welcome, sandstone.

and good luck trying to orchestrate your mom's speech to your son.  i hope she sticks to your guidelines about it.  i've gotten to intensely dislike excuses that others make (or trying to turn it back onto you) for not following through with something that's their responsibility.   in the end, i hope it works out well for your son.  with you all the way on this.   big hug!

Thank you sanmagic, we havnt visited yet but ill let you know how it goes when we do. big hugs back.

[Sandstone]

You're right Wife#2 its not our jobs to keep them on track. Thats what im finally learning.
Like your M, mine live 1 min up the road. I cant comprehend the lack of caring or interest.

Normally i would find excuses for her but no not any more. I wouldn't be surprised if she had forgotten on purpose seeing as 'i dont text as much anymore '  at least she managed to get some reaction /attention by doing so.

Thank you so much for the validation. Yes it definitely should be wrote on a calendar i agree. Especially as her H is quite OCD regarding appointments and other things being wrote down on his calender. So much so that we used to make a joke of it.
My uncle who we dont see, managed to drop a card off!

Mind you this is my m who didnt even get her son a card or gift for his 21st. While i visited with balloons, a little cake with candle etc just to make it a bit more special. In fact both parents didnt get my B a card for his 30th a couple of weeks ago. So not sure why i should be surprised really.

Do things like this with your M still bother you? Or have you reached a place of acceptance?  I sobbed when they forgot my s bday, i think it was because it just kinda confirmed what they are really like.

[Three Roses]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KIDDO!


There, that made me feel better. Hope your son had a great day anyway!

[Sandstone]

Aaaw thank you  Three Roses   :-) he had a great time and he gets motorbike lessons at the weekend!

[Wife#2]

Do things like this with your M still bother you? Or have you reached a place of acceptance?  I sobbed when they forgot my s bday, i think it was because it just kinda confirmed what they are really like.

Not really. It was an incident I talk about in another thread regarding how she treated me on my birthday years ago that put me in NC for a while, then LC up to today. She also failed to learn my stepson's name for years. She remembered, but remembered it wrong. We gave up, all of us.

NC/LC helped me to heal the hurt. Now, yes, I accept that she will remember what she will remember. She probably feels the same about me, but that projection is fine. I am happy when she remembers and disappointed when she forgets - just not devastated anymore.

It's not easy to accept that someone who's supposed to be so thoughtful (based on societal norms) can be so thoughtless. NC and LC and Medium Chill when around them does help.