Recovery Tools

[schrödinger's cat]

Summary of Thread: Using Rational Thinking to Decatastrophize, started by AndyT

There's a natural progression through four categories of ideas. If that progression is disrupted, this can lead to thinking errors. The four categories are:
1. the possible: ideas that relate to the most basic principle of science (i.e. laws of physics)
2. the plausible: ideas that are theoretically possible (e.g. polymerized H2O molecules)
3. the probable: "normal science", i.e. step-by-step explorations that apply a paradigm (=rule/principle) and may extend what we know about it, but won't overturn it
4. the proven: routine applications of known principles; unsurprising exercizes in puzzle-solving

[schrödinger's cat]

Summary of Thread: Grief Work: Leick and Davidsen-Neilsen Theory, started by BeHea1thy

Everyone must sooner or later learn how to grieve. The Kübler-Ross model (the "five stages of grief") has its limitations. The Leick and Davidsen-Neilsen Theory is a lot more pragmatic:

1. ask for help facing the reality; plunge yourself into the miserable facts
2. express the emotion of loss
3. develop new skills
4. cultivate new relationships

(credit: BeHea1thy)

[schrödinger's cat]

Thread Angering, started by kizzie

A text on angering for our glossary. It's in this post.

[Kizzie]

Summary of Thread: Feeling "safe in the present" after emotional abuse / neglect, started by schrödinger's cat

Credit: schrödinger's cat, Rain

Emotional abuse and neglect don't feel dangerous. It's possible to recognize the danger in them, but it doesn't come naturally. The milder forms of emotional abuse are especially hard to recognize. When someone patronizes me excessively, how easy is it to say: "I'm in danger, I must keep myself safe"? Many people would see patronizing remarks as excusable, or as simply a part of life we have to endure with a smile.
A way of coping with emotional flashbacks is to remind yourself that you're safe in the present. How can you do that if the danger is so subtle, so hard to spot?

So here's some brainstorming on the issue, which may or may not be correct - see for yourselves.

Emotional abuse and neglect are dangerous because:

-- Children can't survive on their own: for them, affection, reassurance and guidance are vital. Not getting enough love feels threatening on a very basic, primal level. It damages our sense of self and hollows us out.
Things that make this worse (many of which are also true for physical abuse):
-- Children have no way of escaping toxic environments. We're stuck with our families, we're stuck with our classmates, we're stuck with the kids in our neighbourhood. There's no way out, no escape. We lack control. Lacking control and lacking the possibility of escape are said to make situations a lot more traumatic.
-- Emotional abuse is easily explained away by one's caregivers. Bullying is easily overlooked. Neglect is invisible and silent. That can make it nigh impossible to find help.
-- Abuse and neglect send us toxic messages about ourselves - messages we often end up taking on board. We end up neglecting and emotionally abusing ourselves.
-- We tend to unconsciously recreate the way things were when we were kids, down to toxic relationships and behaviour patterns. An emotionally abused and/or neglected child will later drift into friendships with abusive, neglecting people.

How do we protect ourselves from all this?

-- As a grown-up, I'm no longer stuck in my family without any means of escaping. I'm no longer stuck with the kids from my class and neighbourhood. I can create my own social environment.
-- If someone is emotionally abusive or very withholding, I can distance myself from them. I can seek out kind, supportive people instead. I have a choice.
-- I now know some basic techniques for controlling social interactions: Medium Chill, some basic assertiveness techniques, making myself seem blandly indifferent (so it's no fun needling me), or ever simpler stuff like finding a polite excuse to dodge out of difficult situations, changing the subject, or using body language to make myself seem calmer and surer than I am.... Rain describes some of her techniques in this post.
-- I no longer owe an explanation to anyone. As a kid, I was expected to justify my actions and to make sure they corresponded to my family's ideas. Now, I'm my own boss. If something is a dealbreaker to me, then it's a dealbreaker, period. I won't have to justify it.
-- I'm learning to trust my own instincts, perceptions, and judgments. I don't have to automatically assume anymore that the others are right and I'm wrong.
-- I'm better at reading people, and therefore better able to spot signs of danger.

[MarkD67]

Hi guys. I just found this thread and Thank you to all who worked on it. 
I have it bookmarked, a link on my tablets desktop/home screen, and will collate and get a booklet printed up to carry around. Thanks for putting this all in one spot.

Best regards from Oz. M

[Kizzie]

Wow, I haven't been here in a while!  Just wanted to post and iterate that if anyone has any tips/tools or otherwise to add please feel free.   

[Kizzie]

Here's a helpful article I came across this morning: Coping with Change: Feeling Safe as a Trauma Survivor - by Robyn Brickel, MA, LMFT (2019).

Note: there are a lot of good recovery focused articles for trauma survivors at Robyn's site - https://brickelandassociates.com/blog/. For example:

   - Flashback Halting Guide: 10 Tips to Halt Flashbacks for Yourself or a Loved One
    - Fuzzy Slippers: How to Do Self-Care as a Trauma Survivor
    - Why You Need a Trauma-Informed Therapist, Even if You Don't Think You Have TRAUMA
    - Using 'Big T' and 'Little T' for Trauma Can Be a Big Mistake

[marti.325]

Yes, thank you, Kizzie!

The rights in relationships I hadn't seen before. Very, very comforting and validating.  Also, I can use it as a self-check in conflicts with others.

I'm getting a lot of comfort and company on this website today. I appreciate it so much. I will look at the books section if I decide to buy a workbook I just came across: Complex PTSD Workbook: A Mind-Body Approach...

Have you used that one? Any thoughts? Thanks.