Tips on reducing obsessive thoughts?

[Laynelove]

Hi,

So I've only recently discovered what cptsd is but for the last 5 years or so I have been completely obsessed with the fact that I have a mental illness. I've had short term periods of feeling ok but these thoughts are at their worst right now and I spend every waking moment thinking about the abuse I endured, thinking about being mentally I'll and thinking about how I might never enjoy life.These thoughts are taking over my life to the point where if I'm out with friends and someone is talking to me I'm barely listening all I'm thinking is 'all these people are fine and I'm mentally ill' just on repeat.

It's the last thing I think of when I go to sleep and the 1st thing I think of when I wake up. Just constant ruminating.

Has anyone experienced this or have any tips to overcome?

[Dutch Uncle]

Yesterday I posted this. http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=2601.0

I don't know if it helps you.

[arpy1]

hi Laynelove, i think i relate to what you wrote here; i was wondering, can you work out what it is about the term 'mentally ill' that is such a powerful trigger for you? it sounds like for you it's a pejorative term and makes you feel really bad when you apply it to yourself? does it make you feel afraid? weak? ashamed? (or something else entirely?)

those are all things i have thought (or rather, beaten myself up for)over the years (i have been mentally ill for years, on and off). nowadays, though, and especially since i discovered that cptsd is a model that covers all bases as far as my 'symptoms' are concerned, i think i prefer to think of myself as more 'wounded'  and that also helps me think that i can heal myself.  also it makes me feel less guilty about taking the time to do so.

lots of support to you anyway, this is a toughie, isn't it?!!

[Laynelove]

It makes me terrified of a life forever alone, sad, lonely, defective, ashamed, different, weird but it also makes me grieve hard for the life I will never have. I am being constantly triggered just by seeing friends have children, get married and buy homes. When here I am 'learning to cope'...fighting do hard to live a life that might be alright in quality after 10 or so years of therapy. Jealousy maybe?

I've spend the last few hours just crying to myself. I'm so sick of the thoughts.

[arpy1]

oh hon, big to you.  you aren't alone with this one. it feels like total crap. and i know you probably know all the arguments to counter how you are feeling at the mo, but they don't stop you feeling like it, so i won't say them all!.. all i can say is i am sending you lots of support and loving thoughts to help you to be kind to yourself while you're in pain. and there's nothing wrong with grieving for the stolen life you never had. 

right with you, Laynelove. keep your head up (at least above the level of the doo-doo). don't forget to nurture yourself in the now.

[tired]

Yes and I wonder if there is something you need to figure out that you can't out a finger on. It's an obsession because it's important to your mind.  My approach is to accept and value it but manage it . Take a notebook to record any random thoughts that might occur about it or even write it on your arm if you don't have paper. Knowing that the topic is "being worked on" because I have a pen to write down things somehow frees me up to do other things in the meantime.  If i don't  I end up spending my day on an obsession and it's not even just a thought but translates into spending all my time on it.

Basically I assume there is a reason for it and I delegate the obsession to anther part of myself.

[Laynelove]

I think it's just my worst fear come true. I always thought I had social anxiety and depression which can both be fixed. But now by realising I have this lifelong thing I have to deal with daily throughout life all because of other peoples actions has really hit me hard. It's not * fair and I can't stop thinking about it. Day 2 of tears and I don't know what's going on inside my head.

It's the idea of 'brain damage' that can't be reversed that kills me.

[Dutch Uncle]

Dear Laynelove, please don't despair.
That's hard. I know.
I suffer from obsessive thoughts as well. But I don't hold the idea it's 'permanent brain damage'. I'm not a psychologist though, so it's just me saying that.
I do think that obsessiveness, even up to the point of having OCD and/or OCPD are a few of the best treatable disorders. At the very least they are very well manageable, and a full fulfilling life can be had.

Seek professional help if these feelings persist. "Hey Doc, I have obsessive thoughts/behaviors, and it's driving me mad. Can you help?" I'm sure help will be offered.
You are not alone in this, and you are also not alone among those who have sought help and treatment for this (probably temporary) state of mind.

You don't have to go at this alone. We are here for you, professionals may provide further comfort and assistance near where you are, with programs that have been known to be effective and restore a sense of: "It's OK. I can handle this."

[tired]

life is unfair on so many levels

i feel like this will sort out .  youll figure it out your way

i still have a ton of problems but im now ok with it.

[arpy1]

Laynelove, i promise there is hope!  you're right to say that what happened to you, to any of us,  isn't fair and it isn't right. but we can heal. i am confident that is the truth. 

what really helped me with the 'permanent damage' thingy was reading Bessel van der Kolk's book, The Body Keeps The Score.

he clearly describes the neurobiology behind trauma and prolonged trauma. and he also is absolutely confident that it is possible, becos of the neuroplasticity of the brain, to 'rewire' it. it gave me so much hope. he describes various therapies he uses at the National Trauma Centre in Boston, Mass.

i know it's going to be a long haul. i know it's going to be really hard, and i have had to revise my life accordingly. but at last someone has done the science and has successfully treated cptsd. it's like it is now on the map at last and people are beginning to invest in research etc. that has to be good for us.

also the Pete Walker book is very good, and describes how he, a sufferer himself, has healed, and how he helps his clients heal.

if you can't get the v d Kolk book, look on youtube under 'Bessel van der Kolk' and it will come up with a couple of lectures on the book which i found really accessible and easy to understand.

whatever else, know that you're not on your own, this grief and pain that is overwhelming you at the moment will work its way through and hope will start to grow again.  be kind to yourself meantime, ok?