Professionalism and neglect/abandonment

[_Redd_]

I am just strting to open my eyes to the severity of the neglect and abandonment that I was faced with growing up. I realized as I was reading some literature on the subject that, yes, I faced more emotional pain and punishment if I would have attempted to turn to unN/Bpd M for help or nurturing. I also went to college for a helping profession job, and the professors pushed professionalism, professionalism, professionalism. Stay detached from the client to protect yourself and the client. Ok, I understand the importance of that for the majority of the time. My professors modeled professionalism. Very unattached, to me, almost aloof and uncaring. This triggered me. Also, one of the professors was definitely at least N. Very similar to my mother and actually freaked out on me when we were alone in her office for something she previously complimented me on. After that, zero trust for this "professional". I told my professors to just be honest and up front, don't sneak behind the scenes. Well they snuck behind the scenes. I was so triggered and burnt out, I almost refused to go into my field. Anyways, I have noticed this "professionalism" in some counselors. My radar goes up. I understand that it's not about them and they're not doing anything wrong. I realize that is my stuff connected to my abuse and neglect. I perceive it as dangerous because I was never nurtured. I know the professionalism just is not a good fit for my c-ptsd. This is more of an aha moment than anything else. I just wanted to share. I would love to hear insight from others!

[schrödinger's cat]

It's one of the reasons why my one and only attempt to get therapy fell flat on its face. My T was being very professional. That meant that I couldn't read her. I couldn't ever tell what she thought of felt about the things I was saying. She reacted very sparsely and held herself back. No smiles, no comments, no empathy, no feedback. If I told her that something wasn't working for me, she quietly heard me out and then... did nothing. It was really unsettling. In the future, I'd rather tell my story to a coffee dispensing machine. At least those make comforting whirring noises and you get a hot drink at the end.

My mother is very controlling. So that's another trigger. If someone tries to control me, it feels so very uncomfortable, like a trap. Which probably also makes it harder to find a T who won't do that. I probably need therapy before I'm well enough to get therapy.

[no_more_fear]

Hi _REDD_,

It's so painful to feel all this so well done to you for opening your eyes even though it hurts like *.

People trying to control us nearly always triggers EF's. I remember when it happened to me, I would have this overwhelming urge to run, but I could never understand what it was or where it came from. The fact that your now coming to terms with it will open so many more opportunities for you and give you the tools to be able to deal with it.

Are you seeing a T or anything? How's it progressing on that end? Here will be a major help as well.

[Gabrielle4500]

I did have a couple of similar therapists. One of them, on the other hand, I may qualify as a neglectful/abuser, even.
She was a couples counsellor who took my ex's side openly against me. I finally got up and left -forever- in the middle of a session.

The 'blank-screen therapist, on the other hand,' is completely inappropriate for people who are c-ptsd survivors like us. And in my opinion, those who try to apply their values, principles and morality to their counselling are very useless and even dangerous to us too.

[Rrecovery]

I too do not appreciate blank slate therapists.  It is manipulative IMHO.  The "relationship" part of therapeutic relationship is central to its effectiveness.  For me a therapist who obviously genuinely cares and is reliable and nonjudgmental is most helpful.  It's very corrective to have a caring, reliable person in my life.  Cat sorry you had such a bad experience.  IMO finding the right therapist is a lot like dating, you often have to go on a lot of "first dates" to evaluate them, and it may take a while to find the right person, and it's important not to settle for the wrong person.

[Sandals]

I am lucky in that my one-and-only T is very caring. I'm sure she has her professional limits but has never made them obvious to me. I've even gone so far as to ask how she maintains balance, dealing with all she does, and she was open in terms of what she does to facilitate that.

I believe that having our emotions and humanity mirrored back to us is such an important part of healing and should be a huge piece of therapy.