Letter to Dad (possible triggers)

[The Girl Who Was Me]

October 5, 2015

Dear Dad -

On today, my birthday, I am giving myself the gift of setting myself free from family relationships that serve no good purpose for me.  This past August, I was diagnosed with complex post traumatic stress disorder. (CPTSD)  This is a type of PTSD suffered by people who survived abusive childhoods.  I've actually suffered from CPTSD for over 30 years, but it's only in the past few months that I've finally had a name to put to what is wrong with me and why taking antidepressants and such has never really helped much except in a temporary, cursory way.

We can debate endlessly whether or not I was beaten or merely "spanked" or "disciplined" as a child.  The physical abuse I suffered was really a small part of what has damaged my psyche.  Far greater was the emotional abuse - at 7 and 8 years old, being made to sit for days, sometimes weeks on end on a chair in the middle of my room to contemplate how I could be a better person, usually for some minor infraction like forgetting to change the empty toilet roll in the bathroom or forgetting a fork at a place setting when setting the table.  Being passed to my mom and then my grandmother like some hot potato, a horrible burden no one wants.  Being told that it was wished that I could be sent away to a foster home.   Being convinced by the behavior and words of the adults who were supposed to care for me and love me that I was a terrible person not worthy of care or love.  So much of my life, I've struggled with self-esteem, not believing that I deserve nice things or that I deserve people to treat me with respect or kindness.  It's affected so much of my life - I've put up with bad bosses, bad relationships because I never learned that I deserve better.  No more.

Since becoming a young adult, I've maintained a limited relationship of fake normalcy with you.  We hug awkwardly when we see each other in person.  We say, "I love you," at the end of phone calls, but I don't really mean it.  I suspect you don't either.  I just say it on rote because those are the words one is supposed to say.  As a young adult, I think I agreed to this because I held onto the fantasy that someday I would be accepted, some day I would get the unconditional love that was missing when I was a child, and somehow getting that love would make me a whole person again.  And as I've grown older and realized that no amount of pretend love from the outside will ever heal me.  For me, healing is just going to come from hard work that I will need to do myself.  Now, I just continue with the fake relationships because it's what one does.  It didn't occur to me, until my therapist pointed it out to me, that I have a choice.  A choice not to have a relationship with people who have hurt me grievously and with whom continuing contact causes me ongoing stress.  Because it does.  Every time birthdays and holidays roll around, I am seized with dread and anxiety at what should be a happy time because I know I'll be expected to speak to all the people who hurt me so much when I was young, and pretend like I don't remember all of that or like it doesn't matter now.  Except that it does.

So, with this letter, I am letting you know I want no further contact with you.  No visits, no calls, no voicemails, no emails, no letters or cards or gifts.  Anything that is sent will not be read or listened to.   I want to move on and be free of the ties that bind me to that emotionally malnourished past.   

Sincerely,
G