Offload about fleeing Narc X

[Sienna]

Maybe this is for Out of the fog, i just wanted to offload, and this section seems appropriate for that.

X with narcissistic traits broke up with me again.
lots of stuff happened during the relationship that i was blind to, until i looked at the situation, recognizing that the abandonment mirrored my parents abandonment.

I began realizing that i was psychologically abused by him, i know about NPD from my mother, and from a friend i had who also left the friendship, who had NpD- both of thesepeple- undiagnosed.
X was doing a lot if not all of the things they do.
He kept doing things after we split.
I was still in the house we lived in together, as he said i could stay until i can move out into my own place. I cant go back to my parents.

He did lots of stuff and i was very scared of him.
I was putting in boundaries - not upfront or aggressively, i just wanted to protect myself from him and his psychological stiff that hurt me very much.
My T said that i am doing everything right, as i told her what he was doing and saying.
and i told her what i was doing to protect myself boundary wise.

There was one last straw in which i panicked and just had to leave.
He was looking for me while i waited for a taxi. I was terrified.
He didn't come round to where we wait for taxis.
I think he just wanted to freak me out on purpose and he wanted it to look like he cared at the same time.
I said i was going no contact by text, after him texting me stuff that were lies.

I was luckily able to sleep on this guys couch i know for that night.
I spent all night awake, trying to ring someone, just anyone t talk to.
I was feeling rage like never before, and felt i couldn't espress it in fear that my friend would stop e just like my X did.
I felt trapped and overwhelmed. I just wanted someone to be with me, and i wanted someone to hear my story.
The two friends i had were not supportive and didn't ask what had happened.
they carried on talking with each other and i just sat there, overwhelmed and wound up.

These other two people i know let me stay at theirs.
I have been there since last friday since i left that other guys house.
I have been rang a place for advice on where to go, not sure if i should ring, not sure if it was counted as domestic abuse.
I had to ring back with a reference after the weekend, and they have been so lovely and took me really seriously.
She gave me a contact to call and i am still trying to get through to a womens refuge in my area.

She asked lots of questions on the phone but it wasn't as scary as i thought it would be.
She let me take my time to talk.
She asked if X was physically or sexually abusive.
I told her about the times he restrained me.
She told me that that was wrong, that no matter the reason, he shouldn't have done it.
I told her that he said that he just didn't hear me when i was restrained in his arms and i said to him *your scaring me*,
and the first time, he said he didn't want me to leave in that state.
She said she agrees with what i told her my T said to me, that he is doing these things to hurt me on purpose.
She said that he probably did hear me as i was so close to him when he was restringing me.
She said that men that use power and control make excuses that fool the other person - that give the other person reasons for their behavior that they believe.
I remember his arms around me, how cold it felt. How uncaring it felt. How out of character (or so i thought) it was of him to do that.
I told her i could tell when he wasn't happy with me not wanting to have sex. I have issues with sex and intimacy.
But after the call i remembered that he said he would leave if i wouldn't have sex with him.
One time, i said yes to it, and i thought he knew i didn't want to, but i let myself be taken advantage over and so he did it anyway.
Afterwards i felt so used, so dirty, that i binge ate to hurt myself and then of course he comforted me.
He treatened leaving me a lot and did leave me over and over.

I started crying on the phone when this woman said that.
I had never talked about it before, and my worry that it could happen again if i go back to that house where I'm not welcome as his new girlfriend is there,
was valid.
He has broken all his promises, never kept to his world, his actions didn't match up with his words, so i don't trust him to not do that again, - i didn't even think that was an issue.
The psychological abuse is so painful and scary that that made me leave.
Whilst I understand narcism, it still scares me that the is doing these things on purpose to hurt me.
He is extremely untrustworthy, and if i went back, he might take back his word that i can stay.

After the second restraint, i ran away to the house I'm in now with these 2 people
I told the guy wat happened, and he never asked about it. It was like he did nt care.
I realize that a lot of the friends i have are self absorbed.

I was in bits after the phone call. Devastated.
I cried and just sat there in shock.
It freaks me out so much that i lived wit him. The fact that he is on this earth scares me.
The women here in this house asked how the call was.
I said it went well, and she said yeah??
as though she wanted to know more. I said i felt overwhelmed as i had to talk about things that happened in the relationship that i had never talked about.
Im sure she noticed i wasn't ok. Btu she still talked about herself to no end as usual and i was pretty quiet and didn't ask too much , which is my usual pattern to take attention away from myself.
I got the impression that she just wanted me to buck it up and act happy.
I was trying t ignore stuff like this. I have been and maybe still am, hypervig, in flight mode i guess.
But i cant ignore that.
Sometimes, apart from the forum, i have know one. and i feel so alone.
Im feeling a huge hole.
Not to sound like a victim, and I'm not after a pity party, but I have been domestically abused, and i have no support.
Its a lot to take in and its overwhelming.
I need others to be sensitive, to give me time, and to understand and accept me where I'm at.

X is charming. They don't understand narc abuse. They won't believe me.

Last summer, my dad visited.
X called him and told him how angry i was at him. I cant remember what X did or why i was angry now.
i cant remember why he visited. He said to my face that he only came to see me for such and such a reason. I knew it wasn't to see me. He doesn't visit much.
He wanted to know what was wrong, what was happening.
I couldnt explain and i knew he wouldn't understand, he has never been supportive.
I ended up saying that I have this weird fear lately, that partner could just do anything he wants its me.
He said, what?! your your own person. You do what you want!
and it came up that i was dealing with stuff from *mum* and he told me she as only a bit mean and to move on, stop analyzing things and be happy.
T was shocked when  i told her that.
So i haven't told my dad about the break up.

Then my dad rang today as its my birthday tomorrow.
Im mad at him for all he did. We have been talking about it in therapy.
I answered his second attempt at calling to get it over with.
He wanted to visit but couldn't for my birthday for some silly reason that doesn't show caringness- i cant even remember what he said.
He had no idea what to say about the break up.
Im thinking that to hear about partner, he might realize that he is like mum and he will feel guilty again and will minimize it.

I was a good little girl again *Yuck*, and just told him the most minimal stuff, he didn't ask hardly any questions, not much about what happened or how I'm feeling.
I have never talked to him about mum and what happened. I don't need him to change and i don't need his validation and i know its utterly pointless.
So i cant talk to him about this relationship I've been in.

I guess i just feel a bit s****y and unsupported, apart from this forum.
I have a lot of big holes in my life where others should ideally be.
Im so appreciative for this forum and all of the lovely people here who understand.

Thank you if you read this. Its good to get this stuff out of me.