Triggers

[Claire AB]

I have a diagnosis of complex PTSD caused by childhood stuff and later on a bad long term situation that went on for 4 years. Yesterday I had too much to drink at a family lunch. Went to a gig to watch eldest son play. A woman who had made my life a misery for several years was there. I thought I was over it. The last thing I remember is going over to her and shouting that she had basically made my life a misery... I lost it completely. I didn't hit her, but OMG I haven't been so angry for years. Today I feel awful. Ashamed at my behaviour, ashamed because I upset my family, scared that the PTSD I thought I had managed is obviously capable of being triggered. I don't know what to do.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi ClaireAB 

and welcome to Out of the Storm.

I can relate to feeling miserable after venting one's anger. Loosing one's composure. The loss of feeling being in self-control...
Off course I cannot say if your anger was 'justified' or not, but quite possibly it was.
Assuming this women has made your life miserable (and most definitely there are people around who make lives of others miserable. Fact!) then at least you vented your anger at the right person, instead of somebody else. 
Which is something you can take at least (modest) pride in: not venting it to an unsuspecting bystander.

I'm glad you have found us. Since you have identified yourself as someone suffering from Complex Post Traumatic Disorder, or CPTSD, we want to make you aware of a couple things as you settle in.
In the cPTSD Glossary you may find a lot that may resonate with your experiences. A few highlights to start your journey with:
On cPTSD
On Boundaries

Many of us here have found a lot of help in a book by Pete Walker: Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving. Parts of it have been published on his website: http://www.pete-walker.com .
In the book, he stresses that it is valuable to restore our "Fight"-response (among many other things). It seems to me you did just that. And  to keeping it verbal. 

Welcome again, I hope and wish this place and community will give you comfort and be of aid on your journey through cPTSD. Our Guidelines for All Members and Guests are here to ensure this a safe environment for you and it will give you an idea of the community we create with each other.


Dutch Uncle.

[Claire AB]

Thank you so much for your reply and the links. I am shocked at how this has affected me. When I was given the diagnosis around 5 years ago I buried it, determined to move on and live my life. I worked as a psychiatric nurse for nearly 20 years and know that mental health services in the UK are basically in crisis. I have no trust or confidence in the system or indeed the medical model. Yet I feel backed into a corner. I don't want to be a 'victim' but I do want help I think. I have been in * for the past 2 days and it's overwhelming me right now. But I also know that these feelings will pass. But I want to feel happy, unself conscious and in control, even occasionally. To not feel pain and fear is great, but is it unrealistic to want to feel joyful, excited and safe at times? It feels toxic. I don't want this anymore.