Why am I reacting this way? Are these flashbacks?

[Indigochild]

Hello people

I have a question...not sure i will be able to talk to T about it because there seems so little time...
and I'm embarrassed abut the way i sometimes act...
I just wanted to know if anyone understood this who could help me understand it myself, and its so weird, and embarrassing to me, that i am acting this way.

There ware a few situations that brought about the same reactions in me, maybe explaining them will help you guys understand whats happening...hope its not too long.

The other night, me and partner were talking about our weird dreams.
My dreams are not typical nightmares i dont think, but they may be flashbacky dreams because there is always a theme of fear, and being trapped...
We were in a taxi going home, and when i thought about the recent dreams ive been having, I wasnt *scared,* but it felt unpleasant, uncomfortable and slightly depressing to think about them.
We got back (it was late at night), and i was slightly freaked out about going to bed because of what was in my mind after talking about the dreams, same as when we used to watch horror films, and i would feel unsafe and scared, as though something would attack me.

I have always felt that way (but after being retraumatised i worry that the person who has died is after me in my own home...i wont go into it, and its pretty weird).
I put my phone on charge and got into bed, and my phone flashed, which it never does, and this feeling of utter fear came over me and i froze, and felt really panicky,  and tried to breathe slower to clam down, it felt like this fog of stillness had crept over me, and that something bad was about to happen.
I had to get out of the bedroom and go downstairs.

This has happened before at night when we were talking after difficult T session, and i was so scared that i told my partner that i was scared, like a little child when i never tell him the truth, never show vulnerability. (could be the disassociated child part comming forth), and i was crying, and breathing fast and went downstairs. It felt like the world had stopped then too, and this awful fear came over me, and i thought that she would come to get me. I did not feel safe at all upstairs.
I went downstairs to smoke, and every shadow / tree i saw was *her* and I kept jumping at sounds on the road outside.

Today, we took our dog out running, and i have always been afraid of the poor houses that are tied up near the canal, because i dont know if they will bite or run at me etc. I'm way of how they might react, even though i think they are lovely, and i love animals, and i feel sorry that they cant go anywhere.
However they can get to the path, which is great, I'm just terrified.
Its always taken me ages to walk past them and i have to distract and ramble to partner and i end up embarrassingly grabbing his arm- we dont go that way often because its long so we use the park and the fields near us instead.
Today we went past one horse, and it was fine, but partner was talking to him/her haha,
so i looked back and he was there, only i had walked past another horse and not realised. I only realised when i looked back that it was right there next to me.
Then i realised another smaller horse was comming towards me, it started trotting and i got so freaked out. There were three horses and
I just felt so trapped and terrified, all i could do was stand still in fear (freezing?), (is it still freezing if you are still able to run if the chance comes?)
I was crying  and panicking, so embarrassing and this woman came and said they wont hurt us, so the horse got distracted by her so was able to go past them all.
I dont understand why i am suddenly acting this way. As a child, i was afraid of bin lorries, or big lorries thinking they would just run me over.
One time on the way back from the shop, i couldnt make myself go past the van that was parked near the curb and the lady walked me back from the shop.
Now i get scared if walking down lanes and a car comming, it seems terrifying and menacing to me as thought they would just run me over.
I know that there is a lady who talks about narcissistic abuse on youtube, and she mentioned her fear of vhercials too. Its the being trapped thing, but i dont know why i have an issue with that.

These real life situations are very much like my dreams, in which i am trapped and there is a lot of fear.
The other night i did have a dream about horses, so its like my dreams predict the future for me, because we hardly ever walk there were the horses are.
The dream was similar to this situation very much so, in that people were on horses and they wanted to hurt us, so we had to turn back and go down the path the way we had come, which is what happened today.
In the dream there was so much fear and i didnt feel safe no matter what we did or how hidden by people i was.

It would make more sense to me if something physical happened to me. Who knows, it might have, but I'm not sure. I dont remember that much of my childhood.
The only thing i can think of, is that i must have felt trapped growing up and now its manifesting in unrelated things in the present.
Do you guys think that these odd things, are reminders of something?
Do you think they are flashbacks? My reactions do seem out of preparation to the situation, and i know what I'm afraid of, I'm just not sure why.
ps. the fear comes if i talk about what happened in the past at night time. similar to horror film fear triggers.
Im very confused and i just want to understand it better. Im very ashaimed of my reactions.
Thanks  for reading.

[Alice97]

I can't answer your questions, but I relate to what you're talking about. It's hard to feel ashamed for reactions you can't control and don't understand. Sometimes I feel like it would be almost easier if I knew exactly what is causing a symptom, exactly what the symptom is, and that it is ok. But unfortunately that isn't always possible, and it's the worst.

It sounds like a lot of your fears/flashbacks/nightmares have to do with being trapped. I personally have had nightmares that are so disturbing that they are almost traumatic in and of themselves, so anything that reminds me of them in real life can bring out a panic response. Maybe you're doing the same thing with anything that reminds you of that trapped feeling in the nightmares. But as far as what is causing all of the fear of being trapped to begin with, I'm afraid I'll be of no help there. It could very well have something to do with things that happened in your childhood, or it could be something else. I can't give you anything to help you know for sure, but I can say that I feel for you. *hugs*

[Sienna]

Hey Alice97,
so sorry i missed your post.

Thank you for replying, and for telling me what you think this is about.
I talked to my T, and she said that the dreams about being trapped, and trying to hide, are reminders for me, of feelings i had in the past: feeling trapped living with my parents, and trying to stay out of my mothers way, fearing that she would *get me*, be mad, punish etc.
Makes so much sense. and i guess i was trapped with in myself, as i wasn't allowed to express myself or develop into my own person, or air my opinions.

I understand totally about thinking that it would be easier if you knew why a reaction / symptom was so.
Maybe part of experiencing it is, experiencing the confusion that comes from it- because maybe we felt confusion and self doubt and embarrassment for our fears and feelings in the past- sense, we shoved them away.

Im so sorry about the nightmares you are having, and I'm sorry you struggle with not understanding too.
The panic i have in the day feels bigger than the anxiety dreams, I feel it through out my body in real life. so I'm not sure if its coming out from the dreams, i think that when i experienced the most fear and panic I've felt since i left home, the dreams started happening, although - the dreams were always there.
I think that, since i was re traumatized last year, I'm now more *aware* of this fear of something big trapping and hurting me, (which was my mother in the past), but when i say aware, i mean, not just knowing its possible, but full on experiencing this fear.

Writing about this helps me to figure out possible reasons.
Thank you so much for you input. I really appreciate it.