In Recovery: A Narcissistic Mother/Father Combo

[Rehana]

Hey Everyone!

I'm a 27 year-old woman in therapy, now for a few years, but only just came across this support group. It's incredible how loved I feel scrolling through various experiences y'all have had and realizing how much strength there is in acknowledging our past. Painful, yes, but real.

Growing up I had a narcissistic mother and enabler father (a combo that eventually also transforms the enabler into a narcissist), and I wasn't aware of the toxic reality I had been born into until I met my beloved therapist. That moment was literally like The Matrix where Neo suddenly realizes his whole reality wasn't real at all, but rather fake constructs built to control him.

Every self-critical thought of mine; all those times I cried in my closet; trying to come up with new and creative ways to explain to my mother why her behavior hurt me; repressing memories of her horrendous yelling episodes because "she's my mother,"; feeling like I owed my parents my soul because they "brought me into this world,".... And this doesn't even begin to unveil the nightmare I lived.

I've been in recovery now for a while and I want to say this: you DO heal. Healing happens, it does. Everyone is different, but I seem to heal in spurts (kinda like when you're growing taller as a kid). Re-experiencing moments that I suppressed is one of the most powerful parts of the healing process so far, and although it can be frightening, it's an acknowledgement.

***A piece of wisdom I want to pass on: initially I think I was trying too hard to heal. I realize now that it is much easier to just be in the recovery, without trying to categorize or organize your healing, just be in it. It all falls into place when you simply are. This is where self-trust finally has room to grow.***

Acknowledgement and transparency have been necessary tools in my recovery, as well as being kind to myself; acknowledging my human feelings and preferences which were muted for far too long. So if that means feeling anxious, I ALLOW myself to feel anxious and acknowledge that those feelings exist.

There is so much more to share, as you all know these things seem endless, but if anyone has questions or needs to be heard please feel free to send me a reply.

Sending unconditional love your way,

Rehana

[Kizzie]

Hi Rehana and a warm welcome to OOTS     It's lovely to hear that you have made a lot of progress in recovery.  Feeling feelings and being compassionate, kind and accepting in the face of all those emotions is really key to recovery I agree, albeit a bit difficult for many of us to do initially at first. 

Glad you found your way to us and I hope you'll share more about your situation and recovery.   

[woodsgnome]

Hi Rehana,

You seem to have found a key to unlocking the door to recovery. I spent umpteen years on detours while searching for answers to my own youthful "nightmare" years. I tried tons of reading, workshops, groups, techniques, therapies, anti-therapies, personality studies, etc. I sought to magically transform the pain, anxiety, blame, and shame into an instant and total cure. But none of these grand strategies were grounded in the simple acceptance you've described so well.

There's a perception that acceptance equals surrender...as in "it wasn't really so bad" or "they had reasons for what they did", and all the other cliches absolving the abusers. Acceptance doesn't justify or forgive any of that; it only acknowledges that the "stuff" happened; it had cruel effects and serious wounds but acceptance turns the corner to dealing with that in the present.

Accepting the past we can also accept that healing is possible, though it might not happen the way one expects. Acceptance is an allowance, an invitation to consider that recovery and healing might even exceed expectations. And I'm speaking as someone known for pessimism.

This observation of yours is spot-on: "I was trying too hard to heal. I realize now that it is much easier to just be in the recovery, without trying to categorize or organize your healing."

A lot of recovery talk seems to get hung up on words...cure; illness; disorder; it's a long list. They're only a map of the territory, though; we find the way out on our own. As you pointed out: "This is where self-trust finally has room to grow."

Partly due to age and isolation, I don't logically sense where I can go anymore. But with acceptance of then, now, and down the road--hey, it's still a worthwhile trek here in the land of recovery.

Thanks--good to see you here.

[Rehana]

Thank you both for such a warm welcome! Your replies truly made me feel cozy and I appreciate you taking the time to read my thoughts.

@Kizzie, I agree, building self-compassion can be so challenging initially, and in a way is more of a journey of mindful practice rather than a mastering of sorts. Thanks for running this wonderful site.

@woodsgnome It seems you have a lot of wisdom as well and have utilized a variety of resources in your healing, which is so admirable. You never gave up and that message of self-love is so empowering (and inspiring!). I'm pleased that you found my piece on "not trying" in recovery helpful, and I'm glad I didn't come across as vague (since the advice of "just be yourself" can be incredibly annoying in the depths of darkness). I think we are so conditioned societally to organize and label everything we do, to place a "right" or "wrong"ness on it, and make judgments based on that. The magic starts happening when you let go of those, and that letting go can be very cathartic (even if they are only fleeting moments!). Looking forward to continue connecting with you, all the best!