Hoping for Hope

[4aCowgirl]

I found my way here after reading The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk.  I'm thankful to finally have a name for my struggles and am committed to healing though it's so easy to revert to my default tough-it-out-cowgirl-up-chin-up-mind-over-matter mode.  That's why I'm here. 

In a nutshell I've only recently been able to see the web of spiritual, emotional, social, verbal, and sometimes physical abuse I've been under for ~30 years (since I was born) including gaslighting & changing the vocabulary.  I've spent the last several months forgiving -- non-stop it seems. 

Found that whole parts of my brain just never developed.  Trust?  I trust people will do whatever it takes to make them feel better.  Kindness?  What's the angle?  What do I feel?  Nothing.  I don't/can't form attachments to people.  I don't typically inhabit my body. 

So I'm here, hoping it's not too late.

Thanks for listening,

4aCowgirl

[Jdog]

Howdy, Cowgirl!

It's great that you are taking steps toward healing.  Yes, the body, mind and spirit are intricately entwined in ways that continue to amaze me.  It is definitely not too late to heal, and I hope that you will find this site to be helpful in your healing and recovery.  There are lots of kind people to bounce ideas off of, great resources in the form of websites and books, and the chance to realize through it all that you are not alone.

Healing does take time, as I am sure you are aware.  It also happens in fits and spurts, and not always on one's preferred schedule.  But it is so worthwhile to keep at this work. 

Keep posting, and seek as many other supports beyond this site as you can.  Thanks for writing, and best wishes on your journey!

[4aCowgirl]

Thanks for the encouragement Jdog,

I'm looking forward to carving out more time to begin posting & work more on this.  I'm all too aware of the fits and spurts -- depending on "who" I am at the moment, I'll be active, passive, or extremely resistant to this work. 

[Jdog]

I totally understand that sense of being a different "me" at various times.  Just yesterday, I navigated through a mini panic attack triggered by something at work, emailed my Therapist, felt better, then took on the role of mentor to some of my struggling students....what a whirlwind!

Keep at it!

[4aCowgirl]

Sounds familiar! Thanks for the encouragement and glad I'm not alone.