Avoidance of speaking in first person during therapy

[NarcKiddo]

I feel like I've made a bit of a breakthrough.

I've been having therapy for about 9 months. I started doing written therapy as I could not face anything else. But I came to trust my therapist and now do zoom calls with her. The face to face aspect was pretty scary for me at first but I like it now. The first few times I cried in front of her were excruciating, but that was to be expected. Showing emotion in front of my N mother was very dangerous and I was not surprised to be triggered.

It's been tough, of course, and progress is slow. Sometimes it feels like I am going backwards but when I look at the big picture I can see progress. I started therapy at a time when my personal life was reasonably stable. I expected to find it very emotionally draining and did not really want to have other major emotional issues going on. That was a wise decision. And I am glad I started when I did because my father was recently diagnosed with cancer and that is causing all manner of issues within my FOO. I am still in contact. I am now truly seeing the benefits of the therapy I have had so far as I navigate the latest family ghastliness.

The specific breakthrough? I journal all my therapy sessions. When I was journalling the one before last I was reporting verbatim some of the things I had said to my T when recounting some childhood experiences. And I realised I had been lapsing out of first person to describe these things. I would be saying things like "You could never win. If you said x she said y. If you did x she did y." I noticed myself doing it again in the first part of the session I had yesterday. I tried to pull myself out of doing it and get back into first person. And when I had finished with that particular topic I mentioned the avoidance of first person speech to my T, and said I suspect she may have noticed this tendency already. She confirmed she had, and whenever I do it she has been gently trying to get me to explore more about my feelings on the issue at hand.

She asked what I thought it signified and I said I think it is me subconsciously trying to distance myself from the scenario or the emotion. We need to work on it a lot more, but I know it is not just me using a figure of speech. I am very conscious of the words I use and how I construct my speech, especially in therapy, or any situation that may arouse strong emotions. I think  I will be able to look out for this tendency and use it as an indicator that I am in difficult territory. I may be close to past traumas that need working through. If I am feeling strong then I can explore that territory further with my T, and if I am not then I can journal it, think about it and maybe come back to it. My T said she agrees with me, although we both need to be aware that my subconscious may be pulling me away for a good reason, so care is needed. She was really happy I noticed this and I said to her now that I have I will have no problem with her saying something like "you have moved away from first person when you talk about this. Do you feel we should explore why?" If she had pointed it out before I noticed the tendency myself I would probably have taken it as a sign I was doing something 'wrong' and then I would have clammed up.

[Blueberry]

That's really interesting about you using the second person instead of the first. (I used the third person when things were really bad, a while ago now.)

You sound very aware of nuance, really capable of seeing and feeling the small changes. ime that's very helpful for progressing.

I'm sorry you're going through family ghastliness. These families we grow up in... 

[Not Alone]

That sounds like a significant realization.