Unforgiven -- Again

[AnnieLaurie]

I 'm new here. Hello, everyone. After many decades of therapy, EMDR, mindfulness, CBT, and much money spent, hundreds of books read, prayers prayed, meditations done on cushions, chairs, and walked, here I am -- again, ambushed by an emotional flashback that's held me in its grip for over 14 hours now. I can't talk myself out of it. I'm hyper-aware of my core truth -- that I'm a bad person.

When I was five, my family disappeared. I went to live for months with relatives I didn't know, and they got angry with me when I asked where my family went. I believed they left because I was bad. My father visited once that I recall and yelled at me. He was rather impatient with children. As it happens, my mother had been hospitalized with what was then called a "nervous breakdown," and the family was reunited after three or more months of ECT for her. She was never able to handle much emotionality after that. I only learned what happened to her when I was in my late 20s. It was never discussed at home.

I was also sexually abused and raped by an adult family acquaintance when I was 5-8. My mother found out and blamed me, saying, "Nice girls don't."

As I was growing up, when I made a mistake, my mother would tell me, "I'll never trust you" or "I'll never forgive you,"

My mother had a very sweet personality to most people.

I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 but managed to have a successful professional career. It was a struggle.

[arpy1]

hey again AnnieL  sending you big hugs. i hate flashbacks too and mine last for hours - days often.  have you checked out the EF management strategies in Pete Walker?  they help in that they don't make me feel i have to try to talk myself out of anything, just to try and get back into my body. anyway, if you haven't got them here's a link.  www.petewalker.com

lots of support to you 

[AnnieLaurie]

Thank you, Arpy1, for your kind and thoughtful replies. My emotional responses are divorced from what I know to be real and true, rationally. I did read the Pete Walker list of ways to handle flashbacks. Most are easier to do if you're not having a flashback! I do find him to be quite helpful and basic. I need that. He suggests being around safe people. Easy for him to say. I don't know why the little emoticons won't paste. Everything feels futile. Ha! Thank you again for your sweet response. I'm trying to decide whether to cancel my Thanksgiving participation with said family group -- don't want to make things worse. I think if I cancel, that won't help matters. No, I need to go on Wed., help shop and cook as usual, and just not get into any arguments. There, the decision is made! I feel ever so much better. You helped me immensely, Arpy1! Happy Thanksgiving to you!

[arpy1]

yay!  i'm so glad for you  hope you have a thanksgiving that is a million times better than what you fear.

know what you mean about the flashback steps work better when you're not in one!!  that's when i do two things only, the breathing, and the trying to relax main muscle groups one by one. with varying success but it does help a bit if only to distract me    also i keep saying over and over 'i am safe, i am not in danger, no one can get me here, there is not threat right now' etc.  that helps me come back a bit to the present. but yes, it's very hard.  practice, practice and more practice....   plenty of opportunities for that, i have to say !!!

[AnnieLaurie]

Arpy1, thank you so much. Remembering to breathe is so important and keeping my focus on the breath -- it's such a simple act, but crucial in regaining emotional regulation. Thank you for being here for me today. I'm better now, but still edgy. That makes sense. Happy Thanksgiving to you!

[arpy1]