Guilt and shame

[Rcahela]

Hi everyone,

I'm unsure where to post topics or to be fair how to navigate this site. However, I do have the diagnosis of CPTSD, clinical depression, among other thing like heart disease. I am 44 years old and am struggling on a daily basis, sometimes minute to minute. I was born in Belfast, Northern Ireland during the trouble and have been abused in many different ways during my childhood and even adult years. I left Ireland at age 12 and was severely abused by an aunt and uncle in England. I was sold into sex slavery. I was gotten out of that situation and moved to America where I spent the next 30 years. I returned to England two years ago and had a nervous breakdown. I was rediagnosed with chronic CPTSD and I just can't shake it. Actually, this is making me feel nauseous just trying to type all of this. I'm always so afraid. I want help, I want the inner terror I feel to stop! The hard thing for me I think is u actually have a bachelors degree in human services but I am unable to apply techniques to myself. I'm tired of hurting. I don't want sympathy or pity from people. I just want the pain to go away. I'm tired of living in the past. I don't think I deserve to be happy. I was always made to feel worthless or less than. I'm at the end of my rope so to speak and thought about trying to find some self help. I just don't know what to do. Thank you for reading and if you're a praying person I would certainly appreciate a few. I am even having a hard time with God as I understand him. I'm rambling, yes I know, but scared to stop. I try to fight these feelings but I can't. I feel such a failure.

[Butterfly]

What a terribly horrific trauma you endured for so long. I'm without words that could even come close to offering comfort. Anything I might say seems so shallow compared to the grief of losing so much. Your pain is certainly understandable as is the other emotions you express. Please know we are here to support you in any way possible.

As far as navigating the site, you might want to start with the Glossary up top. There's links there to some helpful information. Here's a direct link
http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/OOTS_Glossary.html

Also on the main board there's a section called resources for books, videos, etc, which might help you. Primarily the go to book for healing most of us are fond of is by Pete Walker and his website is also full of helpful information and excerpts from the book Pete-Walker.com

Wishing you peace and healing and hope you're able to find some comfort from the support community here. We're fellow travelers along the journey. Do you have a therapist specializing in cPTSD? The treatment for cPTSD sometimes differs from PTSD treatment.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Rcahela ,

What a history you have had. No wonder you feel hurt. You have been hurt beyond measure. What has been done to you is horrific. It's almost beyond description, yet you have found a voice to tell it like it is, and was.
I commend you for that.

I'm unsure where to post topics or to be fair how to navigate this site. However, I do have the diagnosis of CPTSD, clinical depression, among other thing like heart disease.

At OOTS, we welcome people who are dealing with cPTSD through a variety of life's events that befell us.
Based on what you have written I want to make a few suggestions on the different sections we have that might be an aid for you: to read, learn or share your further story and experiences.

I was born in Belfast, Northern Ireland during the trouble and have been abused in many different ways during my childhood and even adult years.

In the Causes of cPTSD-Other section I have posted a thread Anybody here who survived a war-zone?
Perhaps you'll find this a safe place to share your experiences, or simply read on some of the stuff I (and a few others) have experienced.

Causes of cPTSD-Sexual Abuse is a section where people have shared their experiences with the sexual abuse inflicted on them.

Thank you for reading and if you're a praying person I would certainly appreciate a few. I am even having a hard time with God as I understand him.

I'm not a praying man, but I'm sending you my best wishes and 'good vibes' I have to spare.
I'm familiar to the experience of confusion with regard to faith/religion, and so are quite a few others in this community.
In the section Causes of cPTSD-Religious Abuse some have shared their experiences in a couple of threads.
I want to recommend this article http://www.traumahealed.com/articles/spiritual-abuse-take-back-your-faith.html that explores "taking back your faith". It's been an eyeopener for me to explore what faith is to me, and to respect my own take and experience in religious/spiritual matters.

These are just a few 'starting points'. You can talk on any of these subjects elsewhere as well. But these sections are the most likely to read about or share experiences with people who can relate to these specific subjects.

I'm rambling, yes I know, but scared to stop. I try to fight these feelings but I can't. I feel such a failure.

I hope I'm not diminishing you by saying you are not rambling at all, your post is clear and to the point. 

And you are not a failure. None of us here are.
Though I certainly relate to feeling a failure.
Feeling Guilty and Ashamed? Checkmarks there as well.
But you, nor I, nor anybody else here is guilty of what has been thrown at us, and the shame for it is misplaced.
We are on a journey to teach ourselves that. Together.

Last but not least: Guidelines for All Members and Guests will give you an idea of what this site and community is about.

Welcome to Out of the Storm, and I hope and wish this place and community will give you comfort and be of aid on your journey through cPTSD,

Dutch Uncle.

[Rcahela]

I would like to say thank you for such kind and informative replies. I do not have a therapist yet as I'm in the process of moving. I was turned down twice for " talking mental health" as they said I am to complex. I am supposedly on a waiting list for psychotherapy. However, unsure if this will transfer with the move. I want help, I really do! I'm thankful and grateful to whoever began this website! I don't understand the NHS or laws and rights for me. I am a British citizen with an American accent. Citizens advice has seemed to be of no real help. I feel like I'm just running in circles or no one wants to help. But again, I am thankful I found this site and maybe just for one day I don't have to feel so alone. Thank you x

[wolfstar]

Dear Rcahela,

Please do not give up. Continue to search for a competent therapist who can help you navigate through your pain and your feelings. If a therapist implies that your issues are too complex, you might simply infer that they lack the skills and/or training to help you with CPTSD. The "fault" does NOT lie with you. You are most definitely not alone, nor are you a failure. Hang in there.