Fear of being friendly

[samantha19]

Anyone else get a fear of being too friendly?
It's mental, literally, but like if I get too friendly with someone I will actually cut ties as a purely avoidant behaviour.
It's like it triggers toxic shame in me to be nice to people and act like I like them, as if this is a terrifying prospect because they could reject me and / or secretly hate me and therefore be cringing or laughing at me (ridiculous, I know! It's like a subconscious thing).
And I mean like the simplest of things. Sending a smiley after a message can mess me up, making friendly conversation, saying "thank you" to someone for something. It sends me into terror and shame because omg maybe they think I'm weird omg they could be judging me rn omg they probably don't even like me and will think I'm weird for liking them (or something equally ridiculous). This is over the tiniest of things, the most normal of things (but I'm not used to being normal).
Being nice and bubbly instead of mimimal and dry terrifies me. Which is a shame, because nice and bubbly is the me I feel I am under this socially anxious surface, and nice and bubbly me would probably have plenty of friends if she was allowed to get out more often.
This crap is affecting my life quite a bit. It makes me realise how much people messed me up if I associate being friendly and lively and kind with danger and rejection.
I'm determined to work on it though. These fears can't be 100% realistic (as much as they feel it at times) because then the majority of people would be avoidant like me, but they're not, they're really not.
So I know by that that it is just my past experience shadowing my view. It's still a major pain in the * though.
I want rid of this toxic shame!

[Kizzie]

Rather than thinking of yourself as messed up, it might be kinder to think of yourself as well trained by those who traumatized you.  That also puts the blame where it belongs.  These defenses are so much stronger in us than those who did not grow up with trauma, abuse and neglect for good reason.  We had to be careful, to be quiet, invisible so as not to draw attention to ourselves. It takes a while and as you say some determination to teach/show ourselves that the danger outside of us is not as prevalent as our mind, heart and bodies tell us it is, and that as adults we don't have to let anyone abuse or hurt us as we did when we were younger. 

So it might seem ridiculous now, but it wasn't then so your younger self did a good job of protecting you and just needs to know s/he can relax now and adult you will take the helm.  Easier said than done I know, but those good old baby steps are what get us there    (I used to cringe at using smileys or receiving smileys too and  little by little it became normal and even fun because no-one ever rejected me or ridiculed me here for doing so.  You can "try it on for size here" and see what you think - when you're ready of course)

[bruisednotbroken]

I absolutely relate to this. I have become not only very good at "appearing friendly" , but extremely good at  chastising myself afterwards.

I was trained to be very small and nondescript. If I dared to show too much emotion (no matter if it was good emotion or bad) there was shame, ridicule, and/or punishment in store for me. Now I often hear myself apologizing to those I love for any show of emotion that isn't expected of me, and internally putting myself down for showing too much emotion to strangers and acquaintances.

It can be quite crippling in any situation requiring personal interaction, and it's near the top of my list of things I wish to become more aware of and change about myself.

[woodsgnome]

Be friendly/back off has been a long-running theme in my life. My graveyard of could-have-beens is huge. Yet it's also weirdly comforting that I can present a sunny side and then suddenly revert to a vibe that signals self-satisfaction but leaves me with that familiar empty feeling again. And again. And...what no one sees is the inside turmoil (hi--I like you but I'm scared and don't dare or know how to show you; besides, if you knew me you wouldn't really like me).

Sadly, I know all the reasons for this; I'm an expert self-analyst in that regard. The escape from the long-ago abusive cobwebs still holds my psyche in the gripping fear of what lies beyond my carefully honed inner defenses. It's so obvious to me, and yet the pattern repeats endlessly, as if it's on autopilot.

I do live in an isolated spot, which is a vibe both positive (beautiful landscape ) and negative (lonely person ). Thing is, I'm also semi-retired, and no longer have to meet people as I did in my old way of life. My greatest success was in creating a retreat, except it can be more like this  than this  .


I've found ways of coping, but still fantasize about not needing to. I'm afraid to post this, even, as it makes me seem needy and contradicts my public persona as a funny, self-satisfied independent scholar. Plus it opens me to judgements, which brings on those creepy vulnerable feelings. I recently started with a new, and very good, therapist. On those confounded entry materials, it asked what my goals were. I think what I ended up writing was something to the effect of saying I'd like to find out life isn't just one huge disappointment.

This sounds awful, but maybe one can shift that word around to where I can consider my friendly/back away routine to be AWE-FULL? That little change in wording at least bodes well for turning my view towards possibilities instead of mere resignation to old routine.

So I'll work at  rebuilding the wonder-full parts from a missed childhood. Now I can build towards a goal that promises to finally smash the barrier between the supposed friendliness and its hint at my true nature (just maybe I am that friendly person/first impression sort that people see). In that sense maybe I can indeed perform a rescue of that child-wonder part that dropped off. Worth a try.

[rosierhodes]

I take a very very long time to trust someone and then I might not even trust them completely.  I seem to not have the skills to tell if someone is ok or not so I withdraw into my own world where I feel safest.  I am married and even stay away from my husband because sometimes the smallest things he might say will make me put up my guard and I at my limit of what I can tolerate.  I can be fake friendly with people I don't know but I don't want to get very close to anyone anymore.  My boundaries are probably unhealthy but I do what I have to in order to protect myself.

[Three Roses]

That sounds exactly like how I'm feeling these days! I'm also retired, and live in a rural community. I self isolate, some days it's too much to even talk to my husband.

[radical]

So I'll work at  rebuilding the wonder-full parts from a missed childhood. Now I can build towards a goal that promises to finally smash the barrier between the supposed friendliness and its hint at my true nature (just maybe I am that friendly person/first impression sort that people see). In that sense maybe I can indeed perform a rescue of that child-wonder part that dropped off. Worth a try.

I guess I've found my tribe.

I too live somewhere very beautiful in semi-seclusion (outskirts of the city, close to the bush). Also trying to rescue that "child-wonder part".   It is worth a try.  The very fact she still exists under all the rubble makes it worth it.