Learning to cope

[Saki-san]

First post here!
Ever since I discovered my parents have PDs, that and what I've been exploring in therapy, I've been having vivid dreams and flashbacks of my traumatic childhood, things I forgot to protect myself, mostly. Sometimes the flashbacks don't start until I get a hold of what I'm feeling, I have anxiety and panic disorder but I don't know what triggers me most of the time to go on a full blown panic attack, where my body shakes and my heart seems to be ready to explode. My therapist told me about CPTSD and advised me to assess my emotions when I have panic attacks, to locate in time when I felt that way and then get grounded. This is how the flashbacks come,
Recently, I've been having a lot of night terrors, I hear my NM voice, or my brother comes knocking down the door of my room... anyway, one of these nights I was barely conscious but was able to pinpoint the time when I felt that way, and I woke up with memories ranging from when I was 5 till 10, the times my mom hit me, and the first and worst was when I was 5 and had night terrors so dreadful that I was afraid to fall asleep. My mom, instead of comforting me, beat me really bad and dragged me back to my bed. I knew right then that she didn't love me, not like a loving mom does. But to protect myself I let myself forget about this episode.
I went to the living room and started to sob. When my boyfriend woke up and saw me like that, he asked me what happened, and after hearing that story he was livid, and told me he didn't understand why I was crying and not feeling anger towards my mom. And then it hit me: it's not about mom anymore, is about me. I was crying for the little girl who felt so unloved she would rather cry herself to sleep every night for years than to ask for help from her mother, from the one person who should've protected her. As I sobbed, I saw the little girl on my mind, and I cried with her telling her she would be loved someday, not to worry, and to keep her kindness, because that was going to be what would set her free.
It really worked for me, to talk to my past self, so to speak, to allow myself to feel sympathy towards a version of me in the past.
Does anyone relate with this? I would love to see your thoughts on that...

Saki

[Multicolour]

Yes I do relate to it- but first I want to say how very sorry I am about how you were abused as a child. You deserved love and support and to be listened to and have your feelings heard and responded to. Not to be physically abused when were are distressed and asked for help, that's just so awful and frightening.

I do relaxation exercises and visualizations. I really should do them more, they improve my quality of life- I'm calmer, less easily triggered, gentler with myself.

One that I do is to go to a beautiful Victorian room and talk to two people I imagine are there- my child self and my future self. My child self appears at all different ages and responds differently at different times but my future self remains the same. She looks like a really kind, powerful leader. I ask the child what she's feeling and my future self supports me and her. I need the future self because sometimes I don't feel like I can cope by myself. My future self is incredibly kind and wise!

Listening to and believing and validating the child self has very immediate, beneficial effects on how I feel about myself, how much I'm triggered, how strong and capable I feel in everyday life.

Which is why I really should do it at least once a week, so thanks for reminding me. Listening to the child self who was abused and telling her she is safe now is so important.

[Saki-san]

Thank you for your reply, Multicolour 

I loved the idea of including my future self in this exercise, next time I'll try to do that. It'll be like validating my child self, who really needs validation and support, while having present a version of myself that I wish to become...

Anyway, thanks again! 

Saki

[sleepingwolf]

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry you had such experiences. 
I hope you can cultivate love in your life now, and it can help heal any hurt in you.

I really like the visualisation idea, and I do something similar myself. I find self-talk is always very helpful. I also tell my inner child that he (and she, as I'm sometimes both or either) can talk and say anything any time, and I'll always listen. It took a while to get into the habit of saying this, and not feeling odd or freaking out. Now I feel that sense of inner child in many situations, and some positive and funny too.  Of course, many are sad and very difficult too.
I can have such experiences buying food, watching tv, out on a walk...anywhere. Sometimes my inner child's comments are really cool and/or funny too! It makes me realise I was awesome as a kid! 

Good luck with it all. 

[Shadowlight]

Asking for help is hard when your experiences have been shaped by caregivers who are unresponsive or abusive. I struggle with that as well. So often when you're vulnerable and need nurturing, if asking hasn't worked in the past, well...

[woodsgnome]

Accessing the inner child is an area I've been drawn to, but I've had some difficulties that have blocked my previous attempts to find a comfortable way to work with it. I've written letters to "him", notes, etc., and never seemed able to break through.

My problem in a nutshell—every time I access or reach the inner child, the negative associations of his early life seem to overwhelm. The abuses, the people, etc.; all the  circumstances which fed my cptsd symptoms soon crowd out the inner child and I despair, get frustrated and angry when all the old stuff reappears too, leaving me (and him) in the lurch, so to speak. Sometimes it feels like I'm getting there, and then one of these "side-bars" seem to interfere. Instead of the child I'd like to access and befriend, I just see this forlorn, miserable, despondent fellow and his mood overtakes my own. And so I'd give up, yet again.

Recently, though, I've hit on a different approach to finding him. And it involves rescuing him, taking the devastated kid ("me") out of that environment entirely. Bringing him into my world--now--which after all is the only place either of "us" can hope to live out our true destiny. It builds on multicolour's notion of bringing the future self into play. And here in the middle is the present self, able to draw from both sides, and clear my mind of its distractions.

So I guess that's a way out of something that's bothered a lot—my inability to access the inner child in a meaningful way without revisiting so much of the pain that I see when I "visit" him in that other world.

Like so much of this, we cope via these unique individual approaches. However we do it, it does seem something that can be beneficial; reaching that inner child world to better function now, resolving at least some of that leftover grief we drag with us.

Many thanks  to those who've contributed their thoughts on this.