So easy to fall back...

[woodsgnome]

Sometimes it's so innocuous, these ef/trigger situations; they come so easy. I needed to get some long-delayed car repairs made, set up an appointment, and arranged for an acquaintance with some free time to pick me up while the work was progressing.

Alright, well and good. Despite my usual social anxiety, my acquaintance shared endless good vibes about an upcoming time she's keenly anticipating with her family. That's great; while it's hard for me to relate to the notion of a loving family, I also appreciate knowing the good that some folks derive from it. Good for her.

***TRIGGER alert***end of following paragraph***

Unfortunately, though, the garage people hadn't finished the car by the time we returned, and she had to leave. So okay, they led me to a chair where I could wait. Fine, but it was in a dark, dank, uninviting corner, somewhat removed from everything and everyone, and the memories rushed in of especially one day when, after I'd been cruelly abused by a school teacher, I was later slammed into a chair as well, albeit that time it was in front of a roomful of gloating kids roaring at my disgrace. ***end of TRIGGER***

Well, the car work seemed delayed, so more sitting ensued, and growing unease, just an awful vibe. I'm actually feeling like I'm doing okay these days with much of my recovery, but there's times when this sort of thing easily seeks to overwhelm my best efforts; it's like an invisible monster following,  ready to swoop in any time it can. Sure there's techniques one can try to stem them with, but sometimes they overpower regardless of how well or how much "progress" one thinks they've made.

Eventually I somehow made it out of there; but the flashback symptoms lingered all day and from that chair-time my emotions stayed in panic mode; my freeze traits take over and I have this urge to sleep. Yet another childhood friend makes a return visit, though--asthma sets in and sleep is impossible. I never ever get asthma attacks anymore, but today it was there with a vengeance, just like those times when my child self reacted likewise.

A nice day, starting with a visit with a warm person...vibes  which all too soon are easily overtaken in an emotional flashback, asthma episode, and overwhelming distressful feelings. Finally I numb to chill out the feelings, and then...just a horrid reminder of how this cptsd cycle repeats. Disheartening.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hugs to you, dear Woodsgnome.

What a nasty, dark memory and such a dreadful experience you have had. 
So many uninviting places exist, and how unfortunate you had to end up in one.

I'm here for you in these dark moments too, Woodsgnome. We may sulk* together, if you wish so. I'd be happy to.

Woodsgnome. I'm here, in for the long haul.

*) sulk may not be the most appropriate English term here, but it's the one that pops up in my mind. 

[arpy1]

   to you woodsgnome!  i know you don't do the touchy stuff but these are hugs from my heart to your heart, to let you know i feel for you.

what a horrible trigger that was for you.    . flashbacks really are nasty and sneaky and sometimes the d**n things overwhelm all our best efforts to manage them..  all i can say is it's good when they wear off! (bit like banging your head on a wall - nice when it stops... )

i know how discouraged it makes you feel, but you didn't fail at anything... we are just vulnerable to this stuff.  and numbing sometimes is actually the only/best thing to do when nothing else works. used as a strategy, i mean.

a bit of time to recover perhaps in what ever way works, without beating yourself up? we are with you as always     

[woodsgnome]

Thanks, friends. I'm guessing what I posted wasn't that strange for many. That's perhaps the shock, for me—that this flashback/trigger sort of thing defines our ordinary way of life. Occasional flashbacks of 50-year old events still enmesh us in mental prisons we've worked so hard to free ourselves from. That's the shocker.

I've yammered in these pages a tad about my efforts to accept. Yeah, right, and then the act of sitting in a chair on a particular day in a particular circumstance can touch every firework of emotion off 'til I want to scream (after hiding from further hurt). That's the difficulty.

I want to turn the corner, be a big boy, and just forget (although I've accepted I'll also never forgive, in the ordinary sense anyway). Too much doing, not enough being, maybe.

Perhaps the best approach involves giving up the analytical mind games altogether, accept the feelings (bad, good, indifferent), and still travel in search of the beauty all around. And eventually, accept that I'm meant to be a part of the beauty I see; that I won't be a used-up, numbed-out freak weighed down by old emotional nightmares. Wouldn't that be cool?

[arpy1]

 

btw:  the way i see you?  you are part of the beauty of my life;  surviving all you have has grown you a bigger heart and soul and spirit than most people i know; if you were really used-up that would be so sad, but i see so much richness in you, so much kindness and goodness and compassion and insight... a veritable store house... and you give it generously. you are unique and lovely and i appreciate you.

just thought i'd say.

[Dutch Uncle]

Perhaps the best approach involves giving up the analytical mind games altogether, accept the feelings (bad, good, indifferent), and still travel in search of the beauty all around. And eventually, accept that I'm meant to be a part of the beauty I see; that I won't be a used-up, numbed-out freak weighed down by old emotional nightmares. Wouldn't that be cool?

That would be really cool, Woodsgnome. I wish this for you, and I think it can be had.
To me, you are part of the beauty I see, and I am convinced you are meant to be part of the beauty you see.

I'm happy you're around. On the good days and on the bad days.